[You've probably seen this kid running around for the last two weeks, shrieking excitedly when he notices you're a human being (or fish person, or troll, or whatever; he's pretty excitable). But it's only now he attacks the network, all smiles and cheer.]

Holy SCHMAO, you guys, I've never seen so many humans! This is amazing! Where I'm from-- well, my name is Finn, first off! Finn the Human, from the land of Ooo! I'm basically a knight there, it's pretty great. I fight evil and stuff with my brother! But I'm the last human being ever, and I've never seen any others before-- but here you all are! Which is awesome!  We should all get together and talk about human stuff. What do you eat? Do you like bacon pancakes? What about--

[Oh wait no he had a message here. Finn takes a breath and adds:]

Anyway, uh-- I know things are kind of bumslops right now, but, uh, you gotta just keep your chin up! Sometimes being a hero means nobody likes you very much, or they think you're wrong, or even making mistakes. But as long as you're trying to do the right thing, you're all right!

Oh, and-- if anybody needs lessons in being a hero, I'm totally free. I've got, like, a billion years experience in it.

[Shortly after Rin's post a video feed opens on the network, apparently being made from the same location she was in, since the camera doesn't show the person making the video, rather the camera is on Rin in the distance, who doesn't appear to be aware she's being watched.]

Hello? Ah, this thing on? Yeah, it is - good!

[A definite male voice, cheerful but sounding just that bit sly.]

I'm afraid ya' may have just seen my student tryin' to skive off of her lessons by startin' up a few conversations with most of you in the middle of a training session. She's a real lazy, ungrateful type, y'know? So try not to enable 'er by respondin'.

[There's a slight pause, before the voice sighs to itself lightheartedly.]

Kids these days, huh?

[Suddenly the camera feed rapidly closes in on Rin, though the video feed shuts off just before it gets her.]

[Hi guys, look who it is after a month of being mia! That's right, it's Mitsuru and still appearing slightly green from her adventures in food poisoning land!]

I had never truly grasped how talented those specializing in the cooking industry were. To think incorrectly preparing food could result in such severe repercussions as to incapacitate me for several days...

[SIGH. All that wasted time...]

Having this occur so shortly after an illness greatly hindered my own productiveness during the prior month. I intend to make up for lost time by inquiring if anyone would be willing to instruct me in the fundamentals of cooking. Books, while helpful, prove far more effective when coupled with a physical teacher. I currently lack any means of repayment, however I can offer my own teaching services in a variety of fields in return.

[She then says something in a far softer voice, as though more to herself than anything.]

I never dreamed I would lack monetary funds.

[A teeny smile accompanied by a chuckle comes right before the feed ends.]

[Today Erika is dressed in more casual clothes for her first appearance. She gives the camera a slight smile.]

Hello everyone. It's nice to meet you. My name is Furudo Erika but please, call me Erika since many people here seem more comfortable with first names. There are a lot of English speakers here, aren't there...?

[She shrugs. Off topic, oh well.]

Well, the purpose of this post is to advertise my services. I'm a detective. While I specialise in unique murders, I'm really, really bored. My little gray cells are running themselves ragged on empty. So I'm willing to take any case. Missing objects, missing persons, accompanying you on a mission... so long as it's a diversion for me, I'll take it.

I'm also intelligent and skilled in general so please don't hesitate with offers. I really hate to take anything right now but... it looks like that's the only way to survive here.

[A pause.] Ah, and the morality or ethics of a case don't bother me at all. Thank you for your time.

[Despite sitting, she lifts the ends of her skirt and bows her head in a curtsy before ending the video.]

[ the captured voice is brisk and to the point. ]

Anyone here know anything about sewing? I have a—suit. It needs altering. It's got a bunch of metal parts too. Don't know if that'll affect anything. [ and a lot of uncovered parts. hence the need for altering. ] We can negotiate a price.

[ a little pause where she seems to debate leaving it there. it's a long shot, but... ]

Is there a record kept of transports? Or a way of knowing who has ever been here?

[ another pause. ]

Thanks.

[ the video switches on to the oddest not-odd couple. at least for those who know han seeing him accompanied by a nonhuman is not a surprise. except of the "big walking carpet" that usually follows han around garrus only fits the big and walking parts. an ewok climbs garrus to sit on his shoulders, the little guy chattering on to himself in his language.

the image is trained on han first who stares at it with such blatant disinterest it's a wonder his eyes aren't rolling into the back of his head. ]

I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon. [ yes, his baby gets a mention even if his baby is not here. ] My big friend here is Garrus Vakarian. We're not gonna bore you with warnings about the natives. If you want to go out and risk getting jumped on, that's on you. I'd say shoot 'em, but that's not politically correct.

[ why did he let himself get talked into this? what is happening with his life anymore, it is spiraling out of control. the big walking not carpet rolls his eyes, though from his place in the background it might be a little hard to see. not the most expressive alien on the place here. ]

Shooting them would be a terrible idea, you'll only piss them off more.

Yeah, yeah, I heard it the first twenty times. [ EYE ROLL. ] Anyway we're going to talk about something a little different. We're all aliens here. Before you start getting offended that you're from Earth — [ an aside to garrus that the tablet picks up anyway ] that has to be the worst name for a planet I've ever heard, next there's gonna be one called "Rock" — this isn't your version of it so you're an alien. But there's a difference between you and us. When we think interstellar, we don't think of Daft Punk. So we're here to give you a crash course on interspecies etiquette.

One, don't stare. You're just asking to get shot.

[ crickets. what? you're expecting him to contribute to this stupid list thing?

(he is starting to regret this friendship.) ]

Don't pull on anything. [ mandibles twitch, eyebrows narrow, a hand reaches up to touch the top of his head. okay that is all he is contributing, he's the peanut gallery now. ]

Yeah, that's a good one, my friend. Especially if you're not sure what it is. Actually that goes for everything. Keep your hands to yourself. Blasters and phasers are not toys. Neither are lightsabers. You see a man walking around with one? Go in the opposite direction. He's got a bit of a short temper. [ han, you are going to die. ]

[ a snort. ]

Lightsaber? [ really? ]

Yeah. Antiquated relic. I'll tell you about it later.

[ he clears his throat. ]

By the way, if any of you are any good at building, let us know. There might be an exciting career opportunity in your future.


(( note: your characters are free to recognize han from the movies but please please try to keep infodumping down to a minimum thank you c: ))

[Good morning, Exsilium! Rin Asano is cold, wet, hungry and irate this rainy Monday morning. Read on to find out why!

In a voice of pure seethe:]

You know we have some absolutely crazy people running around here? Not on medicine or anything or kept track of, no, well just running around.

Well you know who the very worst of them is? His name’s Gin Ichimaru, he’s this snaky, venomous, pallid, scrawny guy with white hair, and he’s a public menace, I’m not even kidding.

He’s a public menace! [Restated for emphasis.] That’s why you should come down to the hold, right now, and you should come and find him and – OHHH MY GOD AHHH –

[The splashing of footsteps as Rin books it, heard only briefly before she mashes the “mute” button on her communicator.]