1 gorilla | video

[gorillawarfare]

[ Marco sits on his bed, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. ]

Dear aliens or government officials who have probably kidnapped me and are about to commence brainwashing or hideous torture:

You could've at least thrown in a Baywatch poster for the cell room. Preferably one that doesn't have Hasslehof. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the guy and his ridiculous amounts of exposed chest hair, but a guy's last days really should be in the company of two dimensional Carmen, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, let's just assume you're feeling extra courteous today and throw in a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew. A guy's last day has got to have some junk food with it.

And really, this thing? [ he waves the device ] A little outdated, don't you think? I don't see a single port for dial-up. What good's a comm system if it doesn't have internet? A guy's last day should be spent checking his final fantasy football score.

So. If it's not too much trouble, which I doubt it is since you kidnapped me and I'm being a remarkably good sport about the whole thing, my demands:

[holds up one finger ]

Carmen.

[ holds up another ]

Junk food.

[ one more ]

Fantasy Football.

See? Only three. Man, I'm letting you guys off easy.

Comments

video;

[fintastic]

You are definitely not going to die! No torture or brainwashing here! Well, maybe torture, if you get roomed with someone you don't like.

But I won't argue with you about the Cheetos. Also I don't know what you mean by "dial up", but it does have wireless internet! See, we are using it right now!

Re: video;

[gorillawarfare]

[ SIGH ]

Great. More alien races. To think everyone thought X-Files was fueled purely by imagination.

[ he raises an eyebrow. Wireless? okay, whatever big dreamer ]

It's not internet. Internet needs a cord. But I guess I should thank you for trying to be hospitable and sensitive to my culture during the enforced kidnapping thing.

video;

[fintastic]

You are a step ahead of most humans, at least, there's that too! After a while, you start running out of creative ways to answer "what the heck are you??" But if there's no internet, how am I talking to you right now, from all the way in my bedroom?

video

[birdhousesoul]

Your last day? Why would this be your last?

Re: video

[gorillawarfare]

That's how waking up in nondescript rooms usually turns out.

So, does that make you the Cheetos guy?

video;

[onemoredeath]

You do realize that the year is 3312, yes? And this is England, correct?

1/3

[gorillawarfare]

2/3

[gorillawarfare]

Man I am getting so sick of Z-Space.

3/3

[gorillawarfare]

...and knowing that this can all be explained by Z-Space. I'm sick of that too.

video;

[undeadarmies]

I don't think Baywatch has been on the air for a few years now.

video

[gorillawarfare]

That's what all girls say. Next you'll tell me Cindy Crawford isn't doing lingerie modeling anymore.

video;

[tequilaselai]

I don't know about your other requests, but we do have internet here. Better and less ancient than dial-up, too.

Also, no torture or brainwashing. So we have that much going for us, at least.

video

[gorillawarfare]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I have AOL 2.0 at home.

On my PC.

[ wait. Aliens. Sigh. ]

And some books too. Somewhere. A few don't even have pictures in them.



Great. The masked woman who hates AOL is saying there's no torture or brainwashing. Super reassured right now.

[majoring]

Dial up? [Someone looks intrigued] Sounds like you're from somewhere in Earth's late twentieth century. Or early in the twenty first, I guess. I'd say there was a chance you were from another planet, but. Fantasy football. [The corner of his mouth lifts a little]

[gorillawarfare]

It'll catch on eventually. There's gotta be nerds on Mars.

[pause]

Ugh. More space time continuum malfunctions.

[godofshawarma]

[ He barely even understood half of that ]

What is Baywatch and how would it ease one's passing?

[gorillawarfare]

[ a slightly evil smirk ]

Jiggle physics and one-pieces, mostly.

video

[flightlessbird]

Why Fantasy Football? [ SOUNDIN SO SKEPTICAL ] There are better things to want.

Re: video

[gorillawarfare]

I know. That's why Carmen Electra is number one on my list of demands.

[Video]

[noble_nate]

Well, they haven't tortured us yet. As far as I know, anyway.

There was some brainwashing going on via poisoned food and water, but they seem to have given up on that tactic.

[That's pretty much all he got out of that dialog, seeing as how the vast majority of it didn't make any sense whatsoever.]

Re: [Video]

[gorillawarfare]

Oh. They gave up. Feeling super comforted right now.

[Video]

[feel_nevermore]

Fantasy Football? [...Sounds even dumber than 'Stank Ball'.]

Re: [Video]

[gorillawarfare]

Look, everyone's got their hobbies. Mine just happens to win me twenty bucks every other weekend when the Chargers aren't dropping the football like it's a time bomb.

video;

[constantsarcasm]

Ohhh, Carmen? You could have done so much better. I mean, seriously, loads better. I get it, you were taken in by her toned body and amazingly large chest-- who hasn't been!-- but really, there are better fantasies.

Re: video;

[gorillawarfare]

...I feel like I just met my parallel self with slightly less taste.