1 gorilla | video

[gorillawarfare]

[ Marco sits on his bed, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. ]

Dear aliens or government officials who have probably kidnapped me and are about to commence brainwashing or hideous torture:

You could've at least thrown in a Baywatch poster for the cell room. Preferably one that doesn't have Hasslehof. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the guy and his ridiculous amounts of exposed chest hair, but a guy's last days really should be in the company of two dimensional Carmen, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, let's just assume you're feeling extra courteous today and throw in a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew. A guy's last day has got to have some junk food with it.

And really, this thing? [ he waves the device ] A little outdated, don't you think? I don't see a single port for dial-up. What good's a comm system if it doesn't have internet? A guy's last day should be spent checking his final fantasy football score.

So. If it's not too much trouble, which I doubt it is since you kidnapped me and I'm being a remarkably good sport about the whole thing, my demands:

[holds up one finger ]

Carmen.

[ holds up another ]

Junk food.

[ one more ]

Fantasy Football.

See? Only three. Man, I'm letting you guys off easy.

Comments

[constantsarcasm]

Are you saying that in at least nine parallel universes, you don't love me enough to keep me?

Dad!

[gorillawarfare]

Hey now, there's nine potential universes. I'm sure in one of them I hung up your crappy finger paintings on the fridge.

[constantsarcasm]

I'll have you know that all my finger paintings were amazing works of art. Not that you'd know.

I don't know, Marco, this whole dad relationship . . . I mean, it just hurts, you know?

[gorillawarfare]

Clearly they weren't enough to make an impression. Avante-garde cubism or bust, junior.


I'll get you a tissue for it later. The tissue may or may not look like a finger painting of a pony.

[constantsarcasm]

You're a horrible person and I hope you get what's coming to you. When you're rotting in some sub-par retirement home, remember this conversation.

[gorillawarfare]

Naw, I think I might leave it somewhere in the eighth parallel universe. The one where you were actually good at sports and stuff.

[constantsarcasm]

For the record? First line at lacrosse. Still putting you in an awful nursing home.

[gorillawarfare]

If you can lift me. Lacrosse sticks don't really build upper body strength last time I checked.

Until then I'm spending your college fund on poker games and midlife crisis sports cars.

[constantsarcasm]

I don't think it counts as a crisis if you plan it.

[gorillawarfare]

Oh, son. You have much to learn.

Starting with any excuse for a Corvette is a good excuse.

[constantsarcasm]

Porche, actually, and no. A midlife crisis is never a good excuse, even for a Corvette; it's just sad. Sad and pathetic and a little dumb.

[gorillawarfare]

Don't even try pulling the deadbeat dad card for your lack of car knowledge. The Corvette outraces the Porsche in almost any single situation.

Also, the Porsche is pretentious. Don't tell me you're into poetry and yacht clubs.

[constantsarcasm]

Yes. Yes, those are two words that can describe me: poetry and yacht clubs. I often combine the two, reciting poetry to bikini-clad women while lounging around on my yacht in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

[gorillawarfare]

That settles it, then.

An ascot for your graduation present.

[constantsarcasm]

Oh, dad. I-- I think I might be choking up here, hang on--

[gorillawarfare]

We can get it monogrammed. With gold thread.

[constantsarcasm]

It's going to be a hell of a disappointment when I go back and it's my adopted dad and not you, you know.

[gorillawarfare]

I hear that from all my alternate sons. It's tough to live up to the legend, I guess.

[constantsarcasm]

Sorry, are you saying I suddenly have siblings?

[gorillawarfare]

A guy this good-looking can't hog the gene pool to himself, son.

[constantsarcasm]

There's a word for people like you.

[gorillawarfare]

Handsome? Witty? Debonair?

[constantsarcasm]

Sorry, no, but you can try and think that if you'd like.

[gorillawarfare]

Do or do not, there is no try kiddo.