exsilium | 1 gorilla

[ Marco sits on his bed, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. ]

Dear aliens or government officials who have probably kidnapped me and are about to commence brainwashing or hideous torture:

You could've at least thrown in a Baywatch poster for the cell room. Preferably one that doesn't have Hasslehof. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the guy and his ridiculous amounts of exposed chest hair, but a guy's last days really should be in the company of two dimensional Carmen, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, let's just assume you're feeling extra courteous today and throw in a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew. A guy's last day has got to have some junk food with it.

And really, this thing? [ he waves the device ] A little outdated, don't you think? I don't see a single port for dial-up. What good's a comm system if it doesn't have internet? A guy's last day should be spent checking his final fantasy football score.

So. If it's not too much trouble, which I doubt it is since you kidnapped me and I'm being a remarkably good sport about the whole thing, my demands:

[holds up one finger ]

Carmen.

[ holds up another ]

Junk food.

[ one more ]

Fantasy Football.

See? Only three. Man, I'm letting you guys off easy.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

You are definitely not going to die! No torture or brainwashing here! Well, maybe torture, if you get roomed with someone you don't like.

But I won't argue with you about the Cheetos. Also I don't know what you mean by "dial up", but it does have wireless internet! See, we are using it right now!

Your last day? Why would this be your last?

[ SIGH ]

Great. More alien races. To think everyone thought X-Files was fueled purely by imagination.

[ he raises an eyebrow. Wireless? okay, whatever big dreamer ]

It's not internet. Internet needs a cord. But I guess I should thank you for trying to be hospitable and sensitive to my culture during the enforced kidnapping thing.

That's how waking up in nondescript rooms usually turns out.

So, does that make you the Cheetos guy?

You do realize that the year is 3312, yes? And this is England, correct?

Man I am getting so sick of Z-Space.

...and knowing that this can all be explained by Z-Space. I'm sick of that too.

I ... what? No. I am not the Cheetos guy. I'm a mage.

If our loving hosts were to kill us off, they couldn't get much work out of us, now, could they? I hope you like fighting other people's wars better than the chest hair of Messere Hasselhoff.

[Anders got a little confused in the middle of Marco's pop-culture ramble, there.]

And what is Z-Space?

And I'm a ranger. Let's stop trying to emulate the Earth-people's culture, okay Mr. Not-The-Cheetos-Guy. D & D is so 1975.

Forced conscription and old French. Glad to see we're finally getting to the torture part.

I'd try to explain it, but I slept through most of physics class. Basically a lot of space-time continuums in a blender.

You are a step ahead of most humans, at least, there's that too! After a while, you start running out of creative ways to answer "what the heck are you??" But if there's no internet, how am I talking to you right now, from all the way in my bedroom?

I don't think Baywatch has been on the air for a few years now.

That's what all girls say. Next you'll tell me Cindy Crawford isn't doing lingerie modeling anymore.

Is there any other kind of conscription?

[ GLARE ]

Now is not the time to point out redundancy. I'm being tortured and you still haven't brought Cheetos.

Aa.

I am sure that if it's junk food you want, you will find some easily enough. I do believe one of the mages had discovered cheese in a can so there is probably more. I don't think you could find Carmen but there might be other beauties to discover unless the United Earth censors it, and as for fantasy football... I doubt you will need to check those scores.

I think I've missed something. What was the torture, again? The absence of Cheetos, or the presence of Hasselhoff?

Thanks, I pride myself on that one actually. Marco: devilishly handsome and more open to accepting the complete insanity around him.

I'm guessing the alien equivalent of two Dixie cups and a string.

Well, Hasslehoff's not acting and I haven't had lunch. I'll let you connect the dots on that one.

[ sigh ]

I guess this is where I go "where am I?" and "who are you??" and "take me to the leader!"

[ he blinks. That was...oddly helpful for an alien kidnapper. his brain provides the most logical response:]

Uh. Superbowl Sunday next week, man.

Too old, I think.

...this is quickly becoming the worst day ever.

I don't know about your other requests, but we do have internet here. Better and less ancient than dial-up, too.

Also, no torture or brainwashing. So we have that much going for us, at least.

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