1 gorilla | video

[gorillawarfare]

[ Marco sits on his bed, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. ]

Dear aliens or government officials who have probably kidnapped me and are about to commence brainwashing or hideous torture:

You could've at least thrown in a Baywatch poster for the cell room. Preferably one that doesn't have Hasslehof. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the guy and his ridiculous amounts of exposed chest hair, but a guy's last days really should be in the company of two dimensional Carmen, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, let's just assume you're feeling extra courteous today and throw in a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew. A guy's last day has got to have some junk food with it.

And really, this thing? [ he waves the device ] A little outdated, don't you think? I don't see a single port for dial-up. What good's a comm system if it doesn't have internet? A guy's last day should be spent checking his final fantasy football score.

So. If it's not too much trouble, which I doubt it is since you kidnapped me and I'm being a remarkably good sport about the whole thing, my demands:

[holds up one finger ]

Carmen.

[ holds up another ]

Junk food.

[ one more ]

Fantasy Football.

See? Only three. Man, I'm letting you guys off easy.

Comments

Re: video

[gorillawarfare]

I know. That's why Carmen Electra is number one on my list of demands.

[flightlessbird]

Oh.

[ wait no this hasn't cleared up anything ]

What is Carmen?

[gorillawarfare]

A divine goddess in red spandex.

[flightlessbird]

I have not seen her here. Does she control storms, too?

[gorillawarfare]

...there's a goddess running around that controls storms and wears red spandex? I think my thirteen year old, comic collecting self just died and went to heaven.

[flightlessbird]

No, Thor was not in red spandex. But he had a... [ she trails off LACKING A WORD HERE. (how you can know "spandex" and not "cape", the world may never know) she flaps a hand weakly. ] You know. It was red.

[gorillawarfare]

I'm going to have to go burn out my eyes with...something.

[flightlessbird]

[ SO BRIGHTLY: ] I have something for that.

[gorillawarfare]

Please tell me this isn't the welcome wagon.




And that you realize I wasn't being entirely literal.

[flightlessbird]

I do not know "wagon" or "literal". [ EXPECTANT STARE... ] What are they?

[gorillawarfare]

Uh.


A wagon. Has...wheels. And you cover them for trips to Oregon.

[ he blinks. is he being fucked with? ]

Literal, as in, the kind not full of b.s.?

[flightlessbird]

Oh.

[ she considers that one for a few seconds, then shakes her head ]

Then this is not a welcome wagon. And I did not realize that you were not being... entirely not full of BS. [ that one comes with a squint, because there were entirely too many negatives there to keep track of, in any language ]

[gorillawarfare]

Most people don't, it's a gift.

Alright. So if this isn't the welcome wagon, what is it? The ride that takes me to your leader?

[flightlessbird]

No, it is just me. I do not know why you are expecting more.

[gorillawarfare]

No offense, but usually there's more when I'm being held in captivity.

I'm kind of a big deal back home. Like Leo.

[flightlessbird]

Who is Leo?

[gorillawarfare]

DiCaprio? The face of a generation?

[flightlessbird]

[ LONG PAUSE ]

I think we are speaking the same language, but I cannot be sure.

[gorillawarfare]

I'm starting to have my doubts, too. You know DiCaprio deserved that oscar. Robbed, I say. Robbed.