exsilium | 1 gorilla

[ Marco sits on his bed, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. ]

Dear aliens or government officials who have probably kidnapped me and are about to commence brainwashing or hideous torture:

You could've at least thrown in a Baywatch poster for the cell room. Preferably one that doesn't have Hasslehof. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the guy and his ridiculous amounts of exposed chest hair, but a guy's last days really should be in the company of two dimensional Carmen, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, let's just assume you're feeling extra courteous today and throw in a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew. A guy's last day has got to have some junk food with it.

And really, this thing? [ he waves the device ] A little outdated, don't you think? I don't see a single port for dial-up. What good's a comm system if it doesn't have internet? A guy's last day should be spent checking his final fantasy football score.

So. If it's not too much trouble, which I doubt it is since you kidnapped me and I'm being a remarkably good sport about the whole thing, my demands:

[holds up one finger ]

Carmen.

[ holds up another ]

Junk food.

[ one more ]

Fantasy Football.

See? Only three. Man, I'm letting you guys off easy.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It could be worse, trust me. The ones who perpetrated that crime were apparently a rogue group and have been dealt with. As far as I can tell, the Initiative are actually eager to work with us.

As long as we behave and say Yes Sir at all the right moments, right?

Actually, no. They've been pretty "hands off" so far. There are some here who are actually trying to get the Initiative more involved, though I don't know how successful they'll be.

Why would you want to involve an organization beyond the involvement they already had in our kidnapping?

So that we know what their intentions are in regards to us, I suppose. Frankly, I'm perfectly willing to stay out of all of that.

Yeah, I'm thinking the sidelines is where it's at in this particular endeavor. Something about wanting a buddy-cop spinoff with The Man isn't really all that appealing.

[Maker's blood, why can't anyone talk normally?]

Right. that's... exactly what I was thinking.

Something about great minds.

Anyways. My name's Marco. No, not Polo. Just Marco. I'm from California. I like Tekken. I don't like poodles.

Nathaniel Howe. [Don't even think about making fun of his name, boyo.]

I'm from Ferelden. I like killing darkspawn and hunting.

Howedy.

So there's a difference between killing and hunting? Cassie'd have a field day with that one.

[He saw what you did there...]

I prefer hunting game, such as deer and rabbits. There's a sport in killing them, but they're used for sustenance.

Darkspawn don't really require hunting, and they're a blight on the land. The only useful thing about their deaths is that there are then fewer darkspawn to have to kill later.

Edited 2012-07-03 05:27 (UTC)

[ that gets a low whistle ]

Tell me how you really feel about them.

So what do they do besides...spawn darkly?

They destroy everything in their path, poison the land and the people, cause misery wherever they go.

Other than that they're quite pleasant.

Oh, well. As long as the table manners are nice. Maybe we can have them over for dinner if they can take a break between salting the earth and cancelling Conan O'Brien.

I'm not familiar with Conan O'Brien... is he someone important?

Only the leader of the free world.

[Lies. Everyone knows Oprah Winfrey rules the world.]

The free world? You mean earth?

Yeahduh.

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