exsilium | 1 gorilla

[ Marco sits on his bed, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. ]

Dear aliens or government officials who have probably kidnapped me and are about to commence brainwashing or hideous torture:

You could've at least thrown in a Baywatch poster for the cell room. Preferably one that doesn't have Hasslehof. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the guy and his ridiculous amounts of exposed chest hair, but a guy's last days really should be in the company of two dimensional Carmen, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, let's just assume you're feeling extra courteous today and throw in a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew. A guy's last day has got to have some junk food with it.

And really, this thing? [ he waves the device ] A little outdated, don't you think? I don't see a single port for dial-up. What good's a comm system if it doesn't have internet? A guy's last day should be spent checking his final fantasy football score.

So. If it's not too much trouble, which I doubt it is since you kidnapped me and I'm being a remarkably good sport about the whole thing, my demands:

[holds up one finger ]

Carmen.

[ holds up another ]

Junk food.

[ one more ]

Fantasy Football.

See? Only three. Man, I'm letting you guys off easy.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

N-No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

[ squinty eyes ]

How sure?

[8|]

Look, your hair is just fine. Why would I even make a crack at your hair?

I'm in a vulnerable position right now! Next it's going to be the weak ankles, isn't it?

I can't even see your ankles!

Great, so now I have cankles.

Is this how you treat all your kidnappees?!

But I-I... [huffhuffhuff]

You're just being a jerk, aren't you?

It's possible. I'm in a compromising situation.

It's almost a defense mechanism.

The compromising position of freaking girls out?

Or being locked up in a room somewhere like a hunkier version of Rapunzel.

You can leave. You had to have actually walked into your room.

Let's not start micro-managing here.

What? [She just narrows her eyes at him.] You're exaggerating the whole situation.

You for real right now? We've been kidnapped and conscripted for time war or whatever it is that's going on. You can't exaggerate enough in times like this.

[Well... yeah, okay. He's got her there.] The situation is... a little exaggerated enough on its own, don't you think?

So we're supposed to clap our hands over our ears and go lala until it disappears?

I-I didn't say that.

[ his eyebrows raise ]

That's what I'm getting.

You're wrong. I'm just saying, it's not like we're being locked up and starved or whatever bad B-rated movie scenario you can think of.

The thing that's wrong with the B-rated scenario is that it always starts out with everyone having a great time with no imminent threat.

Then BOOM.

Happy co-ed camping trip turns into chainsaw massacre.

See, unfortunately for you, you've arrive after the mission we were just sent on. I don't have any illusions about this being a great time or there being no threat.

So you're not complaining...why.

Where is complaining going to get me? They're not going to send us home until we've done what they want.

(no subject)

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