1 gorilla | video

[gorillawarfare]

[ Marco sits on his bed, looking amused and annoyed at the same time. ]

Dear aliens or government officials who have probably kidnapped me and are about to commence brainwashing or hideous torture:

You could've at least thrown in a Baywatch poster for the cell room. Preferably one that doesn't have Hasslehof. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the guy and his ridiculous amounts of exposed chest hair, but a guy's last days really should be in the company of two dimensional Carmen, if it's not too much trouble.

Hell, let's just assume you're feeling extra courteous today and throw in a bag of Cheetos and a can of Mountain Dew. A guy's last day has got to have some junk food with it.

And really, this thing? [ he waves the device ] A little outdated, don't you think? I don't see a single port for dial-up. What good's a comm system if it doesn't have internet? A guy's last day should be spent checking his final fantasy football score.

So. If it's not too much trouble, which I doubt it is since you kidnapped me and I'm being a remarkably good sport about the whole thing, my demands:

[holds up one finger ]

Carmen.

[ holds up another ]

Junk food.

[ one more ]

Fantasy Football.

See? Only three. Man, I'm letting you guys off easy.

Comments

[gorillawarfare]

Wait until you hear their jokes.

[ he ignores it. ]

And what are we rebelling against? The machine?

[undeadarmies]

[What?]

The government, I think.

[gorillawarfare]

Oh. I'll break out the acoustic guitars and birkenstocks.

[undeadarmies]

I don't think that's quite what they have in mind.

[gorillawarfare]

Make love, not war. [ eyebrow waggle ]

[undeadarmies]

[r e d

She makes a choking noise.]

[gorillawarfare]

[ continues the eyebrow waggle ]

You don't get out much, do you?

[undeadarmies]

I-I-I...

[DEEP. BREATH.]

That's not funny.

[gorillawarfare]

[ one eyebrow waggle at a time now. they alternate ]

Are you sure? I think it's hilarious.

[undeadarmies]

[Someone shoot her. Please.]

Because it's at my expense!

[gorillawarfare]

Don't worry, I laugh at jokes that are at my expense too. Well, unless they're short jokes. That ran out of fresh material in like seventh grade.

[undeadarmies]

[She makes a face.] Don't get me started on short jokes.

[gorillawarfare]

You too? The cruelties the Fabulous must endure!

[undeadarmies]

Fabulous? [Uh. You're mistaken, bro.]

[gorillawarfare]

Is that a crack at my hair? [ SENSITIVE. ]

[undeadarmies]

N-No.

[gorillawarfare]

Are you sure?

[undeadarmies]

Yes.

[gorillawarfare]

[ squinty eyes ]

How sure?

[undeadarmies]

[8|]

Look, your hair is just fine. Why would I even make a crack at your hair?

[gorillawarfare]

I'm in a vulnerable position right now! Next it's going to be the weak ankles, isn't it?

[undeadarmies]

I can't even see your ankles!

[gorillawarfare]

Great, so now I have cankles.

Is this how you treat all your kidnappees?!

[undeadarmies]

But I-I... [huffhuffhuff]

You're just being a jerk, aren't you?

[gorillawarfare]

It's possible. I'm in a compromising situation.

It's almost a defense mechanism.