exsilium | video; dated to after everyone gets back from uruguay

Entry tags:

video; dated to after everyone gets back from uruguay

( well, that was - something. fifteen is not an age he'd ever wanted to experience again for a number of reasons, all of which stand out vividly in mind right now. there was so much he didn't know then, driven by a raw need for revenge and to get his answers, still hanging on mr maverick's every word. he wasn't happier then but things were simpler then, more cut and dry, and he was more certain of things than he may ever be now.

he sighs before he can stop himself, offering the feed a long-suffering expression. )

I'd like to thank everyone who helped me ( there's a slight stress on the last word ) in the last two weeks as I was getting reacquainted with living here - especially since I wasn't particularly easy to deal with, at that age. Presumably, everyone's aware that disruptions like this are difficult to predict or control, but if anyone would still like an apology for my behavior, I can't say it wouldn't be deserved.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Still - thank you, Sayaka.

[ Normally, that would mean a lot to her. As it stands, she glances off awkwardly, playing with the edge of her sleeve. ]

... Yeah. [ ... After a moment, and still with no eye contact: ] That stuff you said about heroes... you said you weren't that kind of person. The kind of person to be one.

( he was expecting this )

I didn't have any particular interest in Heroes until a few years ago, when I became one not very long before my twenty-fourth birthday. Before then - no, for a long time, my goal was to find someone.

[ SORRY BRO ]

... That must have been pretty important to you. [ Carefully neutral. ] I guess it's okay, though. If you didn't have the chance before then, nobody could have expected it from you.

[ Because surely that's what's at work here. He just didn't have the opportunity to help — it couldn't have been by choice. ]

( aaaahahahahahah. )

It was very important. In fact, it was the most important thing to me that I did.

( so much so that he still doesn't know how to live without )

Nothing else mattered to me as much as fulfilling that goal.

Edited 2013-02-06 16:07 (UTC)

[ ... She knows what that's like, at least. ]

And did you?

No. In the end, I was completely wrong about who that person really was, and trusted someone I shouldn't have.

... So it didn't work out.

[ There aren't any guarantees, no matter how good you are or how hard you try — she's learned that the hard way. After a moment, she shrugs it off; realizing how she's been acting. ]

Sorry, it's just... I kinda assumed you'd always been this way. You're a really good person, so you didn't deserve to go through that stuff.

No, it didn't.

( he's quiet a long moment before going on, more softly than before. )

The person I was looking for was the man who killed my parents. I had a faint memory of what he looked like, and based on that, I looked for him for twenty years. Even becoming a Hero in the first place was ( there's an edge of bitterness he can't help, now ) on the suggestion of my guardian, in hopes that I'd be able to find him that way.

( he doesn't think a really good person would do that, though who knows with maverick's manipulations )

It's true that I grew to enjoy the work, and that it means a lot to me now, but I was very different for a long time.

[ She can't say she isn't disappointed, but maybe a person like her has no right to judge. He might have started with the wrong approach, but things changed — and surely that makes it okay. ]

It doesn't matter. You're a real hero now, so you shouldn't talk about yourself that way. [ The way she talks, it's like she's trying to convince herself as much as (or more than) him. ] People like that are worse than monsters. Wanting revenge on him doesn't make you a bad person.

( he's not entirely sure on the rest, and her tone isn't lost on him, so he leaves that alone for the time being. sometimes people need to believe in heroes, so maybe he shouldn't really deny a small girl of this. is he really much different, anyway? if he didn't believe in what heroes do and stand for, being one himself, where would he be? but the last thing she says elicits a strong reaction, voice darkening immediately. )

He was worse than a monster. I've never met a more despicable person, not even here.

( there's a half-articulated thought in his mind, if he ever comes here, but barnaby quashes that quickly. it hasn't happened in six months, and it won't happen, can't happen, can't be something he considers. )

Then you were right.

[ If someone hurt her parents — if someone hurt Madoka — she'd want revenge too. She'd tear their throat out herself. Maybe she isn't perfect, but that just means she can act instead of others so they can keep their conscience clear.

For a moment, she considers leaving it there, but then she starts again; gaze fixed on some point in the distance. Even if he isn't the same as Mami, he deserves to know. ]

... I think I'm the opposite. I started out caring about all that important stuff, but... I kinda lost sight of it a while ago. That's why people like you need to exist. [ For the sake of everyone else. ]

( his tone when he speaks is careful, measured. )

What makes you say that?

A lot of things. [ She actually manages a smile, even if it's clearly forced. ] Ahaha... I don't know if I can explain it. You'd be finding out the worst parts of me, you know?

[ And she isn't sure she can handle that. It'd be the same as explaining things to Mami — she's too far removed from heroes like them to be anything but a burden. ]

Sorry. I guess you'll just have to take my word for now.

I don't mind doing that.

( but pauses. it's hard to imagine what such a young girl would consider the worst parts of her -

- or maybe it isn't, after two weeks as a teenager again. and he knows that something terrible must've happened to make her so jaded already. )

All the same, I doubt it'd change my opinion of you, Sayaka.

[ It's so easy to imagine Mami saying the same thing — telling her that everything will be okay, things don't need to change — that it hurts. If he thinks that, then he's got the wrong idea already. ]

I'm glad you think so, but... if it didn't change anything, I think I'd lose all respect for you. [ She shakes her head. ] I keep going on about justice and saving people, but I don't have what it takes to do that. I'm all talk.

[ Worse than a villain, because she isn't upfront about it. So many people think highly of her, but what would they say if they knew? ]

Real heroes can't afford to have people like me around. I'm just a corpse who can't save anybody. [ All those people she'd been too late to rescue. Mami, who died because she couldn't come to a decision fast enough. How she'd thought, even for a second, that things might have been different if she hadn't saved Hitomi. ]

( what she's saying in alarming in and of itself - makes him wonder yet again what could've happened to make a young girl like her so jaded and full of self-loathing - but calling herself a corpse crosses over from alarming to disturbing and horrifying.

still, he starts carefully, in a measured tone: )

You're still very young to be talking like that.

That doesn't make it any less true.

[ There's bitterness mixing in with the frustration, now. The realization he's not quite the perfect hero she thought eats away at her, bit by bit; but it's compounded by the fact that no matter what, he's still far, far too good for her to even talk to.

She'd raise her voice, but she really doesn't have the energy to argue. She just sounds defeated. ]

... Ahaha, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not gonna stop helping people, or anything like that. [ At least that gives her a sense of purpose, shallow as it may be. ] I'll stay out of your way.

I didn't think you would.

( because he understands the feeling all too well. there's the genuine desire to do good, of course, but there's also the sense of having nothing else, nothing at all, in the whole world besides helping people and if that's gone, then what? )

In any case, you've never been in my way.

... That's good.

[ She sounds genuinely relieved at the comment. Even if she's a terrible person, she at least hasn't been a burden on someone important — someone who can help people in ways she can't anymore. ]

This probably seems really sudden, but... I guess that's because I've been deceiving you this whole time. I'm the type of person who gets others killed because she doesn't act. [ She delayed for so long, only to make the exact same wish in the end. It's not like Madoka, who had never come up with one at all; she had known from the start, and kept putting it off... out of what, fear? Fear of facing the same things Mami did every day, by herself and without a single friend to confide in? ] You shouldn't associate with me.

( he remembers growing up with that kind of regret. what would've happened if he'd gotten home faster? if he hasn't asked so much to get to go out for the day? if he'd decided not to inconvenience his parents or samantha? could they have lived? could the police have been called sooner, could something have gone differently? the fact that he'd been a child at the time was fairly irrelevant to him; all that meant was that he had all the more time to dwell on these kinds of regrets. he realizes now that things probably would've gone exactly the same, maverick's mad perfect tragic scenario, but years of guilt don't just melt away like a morning's snow. besides, after the way kotetsu - after all of the heroes - almost died for his involvement with him, with maverick, can he really say he's much different? )

Even if that's true, that's not something I could judge you for, Sayaka.

[ His answer makes her furious. Someone so good, so heroic, shouldn't let her off the hook like that; he should hate her for what she's done and what she is. She might be fighting back tears, but her voice is nothing short of a growl. ]

But you should! [ He's only accepting because he doesn't understand, there's no way if he really knew— ] Don't you get it? I'm a horrible person! I knew what my wish was gonna be, but I kept putting it off, and Mami-san died because because I was a coward!

[ Her shoulders shake, and she fumbles with the tablet, switching to voice before things can escalate any further. A corpse can't feel emotion — if she lets go, it should be easy to block them out.

Flatly: ]

Don't ever say that. If you do, you're just as bad as the rest of them.

( he doesn't understand - wishes, someone named mami(san?) - but the emotional outburst leaves him all the more sure something's happened, something really awful.

his own reply may seem cold, but it's serious and level. )

I'm not asking you to explain what happened, but it's foolish to make judgments based on incomplete information. That only leads to making poor choices; without knowing the full circumstances, as I said, I'm unable to truly judge.

[ She can't understand his reasoning. The only things left are worse — all the times she was too late to help people, what she said to Madoka that day, the fact she regretted saving Hitomi, even for just a second. What she's already said should be more than enough to condemn her (would be, if she was hearing it from someone else), and if she explained the rest... ]

You know enough. [ Her hands are still shaking, but it doesn't show through in her voice. It's entirely devoid of emotion. ] But if you really think that, then I'll decide instead. If I stay near you, it'll cause problems, so... I'll make sure that doesn't happen. You won't see me again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

video; dated to after everyone gets back from uruguay

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

→ private

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

THIS THREAD IS KILLING ME

LMAO HE'S MAMI 2.0 and nobody deserves that

omg latest

rolls on

;~;

lmao weh.............