exsilium | One; text/voice

[There are several plus sides to being roommates with someone you're running about Los Angeles with each and every day.

One plus side is which when one leaves their communications device out in the open whilst you're doing something else - that gives your roommate the authority to use it responsibly, and by responsibly, i mean not at all.

This may earn Travis the consistent threat of being shot until he's dead, but that's small potatoes. TIME TO GO TO WORK.]

So, is there any place a man can go to unwind and pretend they're not hung up over their ex-wife and that their only committed relationship is with a bottle of Germ-X?

[A few minutes later, a second post goes up, this time with the voice function. There's a faint cry of:] Travis!

[And then he clears his throat, addressing the network.] This is Wes Mitchell. And I'm not hung up over my ex-wife. Or that other thing.

I apologize. My partner took my tablet. He's like a five year-old.

Man, do you even listen to yourself? You're so hellbent on making things are 110% germ-free that I'm pretty sure Alex left you because you cheated on her with the sanitizer!

If you're implying what I think you're implying, that's disgusting and so are you.

Now, see. You're jumping to conclusions. I was simply stating you're so OCD about making sure everything is germ free I might as well buy you a hazmat suit for your birthday.

Plus I'm pretty sure if you did what you think I was implying, either you'd be in considerable pain or you're freakier than I thought.

Can we stop talking about... that?

Hey, you're the one who started it.

I did not, you did. Why are you here? Don't you have something better to do like... making all the women on the base hate you?

I'm waiting for you to fail with them so I can give them the time of their life. [smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk]

...

You're rude.

[Whoops, someone left their tablet going. And yes, they really are this immature. Feel free to address Wes, Travis, or both. The text post was Travis pretending to be Wes, Green is Wes and Blue is Travis. Threadjacking will probably happen.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Wes is slowly turning bright red.] We're not... like that. And my endeavors in dating are just fine, thank you.

[Dating stories might actually go a long way in making his writing a little less hilariously bad, but like hell is going to ask--he snickers, instead.] You sure it's not 'keeping your mouth shut' helps land you dates?

[Then--] Hey, don't look at me. He-- [And he does gesture to Philip, here--] said it. Not me.

[to Wes:] Yeah, that's why the only shot you had you crashed and burned because you thought drinking in her hotel room was the equivalent of getting off.

[back to the camera!] All you gotta do is wine and dine a woman with the right words and body language. Doesn't take much to bring them back home after that.

[He's just gonna leave out the part where he never calls the woman back and said woman gets very angry with him.]

[Turns a little redder.] That's not what... Anyway, you shouldn't be giving dating advice. All you do is date women and then never call them.

[Philip again leans over, one eye looking in mock surprise at the camera.]

Are you implying that women are like vending machines? You put in money and type in a code and you get out sexual intercourse?

[He narrows his eyes, clucking his tongue]

I hope you realize all your prospective sexual partners can read this, and that the pool is getting smaller and smaller as you speak?

[...Goddamn it.]

You never know, I could find the one here.

[This isn't helping, Travis]

[Slowly, Shotaro sips from his cup of coffee. Jerkass one night stands are so not hard-boiled.]

Yeah, a warzone's going to make you a monogamist.

[Smirking.] Mm. Next, let's talk about what a hothead he is.

Even if you find the one, she's not likely to be attracted to...

[He makes a gesture that includes the whole screen]

...all of that

[The smirk fades.] Hey, Travis may have a lot... a lot of faults, but he's a genuinely good guy.

Despite the misogyny?

[He blinks owlishly at the camera.]

[Dammit, Philip. He reaches out and tugs on the hood of his vest.] Too far, partner. We just met 'em.

[Oh dear protective partner alert] Yeah, he's kind of a jerk sometimes. But you don't know him. That's my partner of five years. I know him pretty well. And he's a good guy.

[Travis honestly had to think about what to say to that accusation. Sure he's got Jonelle wanting to dip him in acid...and Amy talks about how she'll claim sexual harassment.

But he does not treat women like ladies of the night.]

Hey man, the last thing I'd ever do to a lady is treat her as a prostitute. Just because I like treatin' them to a little something does not make me this misogynistic jerk, all right?

Don't worry, Travis Marks. I would never make such snap judgments at this juncture. I apologize for agitating you both.

However! Being so blunt often strikes sparks that allow you to assess personality. You two are law enforcement officials of some kind, so I'm sure you're aware.

[He smiles, blithely.]

It seems like despite your differences, you two are excellent partners. Your weaknesses make up for one another, it seems. Perhaps you should double date.

That's a good idea. [turns to Wes for a moment] That way I can help you actually get laid for the first time in 18 months.

[...wait, Philip's reminding Travis of someone]

You sure you're not Dr. Ryan in disguise? Because I could have sworn it was like I was back in therapy and not on the moon.

[Assessing personality, his ass, he was just being a little shit to make gathering data more fun. Admittedly, not a new experience for Shotaro. (At least it isn't directed at him, for once.) He shoots Philip a look, anyway.] He's a little, uh, understimulated at the moment. Needs more data to analyze.

[Oh, how he already misses the days of Philip mumbling under his breath and going over data on breadcrumbs, or whatever.]

[Philip brightens and looks at Shotaro]

Shotaro, I must be making progress with empathy! No one has ever mistaken me for a therapist before!

[He claps his hands]

How fascinating. No, I'm merely a... I suppose you could call me a genius.

One; text/voice

video all the way; laughing so hard

whoops, wrong spot for that

forever video because this is amazing and nothing hurts

sorry for the ninja tag fdjksl

boooo

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