02 | Video

[maddeninghatter]

[ Baaa Baa-aa-aaaaaa Baaaaaaaaaaa! ]

I say, hello, hel-looooo! I have a question for you all--

[ The grime-smeared face of Xerxes Break appears onscreen. His white hair is discolored with dust and stuck together. There's a semicircular wound under his right cheekbone, and the shoulder of his jacket looks chewed. Despite all of this, he seems terribly pleased with himself. ]

Does anyone here have qualifications in animal husbandry?

[ More angry bleating and a yelp! Break turns. Visible in the background is another (also dirty and disheveled) man, desperately fending off a sheep. It’s not going at all according to plan; with a single headbutt he’s out of the camera’s line of sight, followed by a thud and worrisome tinkling noises. ]

Why, Gilbert. I think she likes you! ♥

[ Moving right along... ]

Anyway - yes. I'm looking specifically for people with experience or interest in shepherding, as well as shearing, spinning, knitting, cheese-making--

[ Another CRASH! and a voice yelling, “Break, look out!" ]

--and hand-to-hand combat! Kindly respond to this post, or apply in person to the botanical gar--

[ Break’s face suddenly disappears. The last image visible onscreen is… this. ]

Comments

[maddeninghatter]

To answer your question, we need them for wool. And cheese. And I imagine nice, juicy lamb chops wouldn't go amiss. Obviously it would be easier if they weren't "evil," but if wishes were horses, et cetera.

[heroxide]

Are you planning to breed them? Got your work cut out for you, if you are.

[maddeninghatter]

Are you offering your expertise in that matter?

[heroxide]

Ha! No chance. Just saying, I hope you have fun getting your head kicked in by mutant animals.

[maddeninghatter]

Your concern is touching.

[heroxide]

[Makes the most scornful face he can manage.] Yeah, keep dreaming.

[maddeninghatter]

I wouldn't mind a nap, to be honest. But first, I've got to....

[ wait for it ]

...count sheep!

[heroxide]

[......

Groans and passes a hand over his eyes briefly before looking up to give him a scathing look.]

Honestly? Really?

[maddeninghatter]

Dear me, you seem to be in a very bad mood. What's got you so upset? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

...or was it someone you ate?

[heroxide]

[Snorts.]

Hi-larious. Haven't eaten anyone for a while, so that rules that fantastic theory out. Maybe I'm just not feeling sociable.

[maddeninghatter]

Well, you know, if you were feeling peckish, but didn't want to eat anybody.........

[heroxide]

Then... what? Enlighten me.

[maddeninghatter]

Er....

Speaking of counting sheep...

[heroxide]

What, you offering me mutton chops? Vampires aren't known for our superior digestive systems, blood aside.

[Not that he never makes exceptions for that.]

[maddeninghatter]

Nothing so banal, haha!

It's just... that.... one or two (or five) of them, er, wandered off. And seems like it would be a real shame if some hapless fool tried to... pet one...

When hunting them down would be a delightful pasttime for a bloodthirsty monster!

[heroxide]

[Twitch.] You sound like a broken record with all this "monster" talk over and over again.

Would you pay me? If people even pay each other in this place.

[maddeninghatter]

Do you have anything better to do?

[ because there is FUCK ALL going on in this city when there aren't bombs falling etc. ]

[heroxide]

Y-

...Not really. No.

[maddeninghatter]

Happy hunting! ♥

[heroxide]

[SIGH SIGH] So I should, what. Wander the city until I hear violent "baa"-ing?

[maddeninghatter]

Or screaming.

[ Helpfully: ]

Watch out for the fangs. And the hooves. And the - well, everything, really.

[heroxide]

...

You really should pay me.

[maddeninghatter]

Bye-bye~!

[ END TRANSMISSION

And he

buggers off for a bath. ]

[heroxide]

[YOU CHEEKY BASTARD ! !]