exsilium | when one bypasses the brain [video]

[Billy is located in his garage, a number of shiny orb-like devices lining the walls behind him. There are a few gun-like shells too, though when questioned he'll be all too eager to explain that none of them are lethal.

He has the pale, bags-under-eyes look of someone who's hardly slept in a week. It's well earned.]

I've been thinking about the battle all week. And with what I know---or think I know---of the United Earth, I think I've committed an unforgivable crime. The UE citizens are guided from birth to hold certain opinions and aptitudes, slotted into their roles by a totalitarian organization pulling the strings, aren't they? If that's true, the soldiers never made an informed decision to fight against us. They were innocent, and...I murdered without acknowledging that. They never had a chance at freedom, and now they'll never have it.

[He hangs his head, drumming his fingers against the worktable.]

I know there's no penance for what I've done, no excuse that justifies it. Nothing will ever be enough. But to make it easier for others to fight without killing, I've been drawing up blueprints and making protoypes for some more effective non-lethal weapons. I understand if you don't trust me with them, or if you would rather develop them without me, but I'm willing to assist if you'll have me.

And before I end this: please don't think I'm passing judgment on anyone else about this. That world was worth trying to save, supplies were low. I simply allowed myself to cross a moral line I swore I wouldn't. I don't know how to live with myself, but I fully acknowledge that this is my own fault.

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I'm something of an engineer myself, I wouldn't mind lending a hand with a project like that.

But mindless obedience or not, as admirable as compassion for an opponent is, that kind of thinking can easily get you killed.

You look tired.

I'd be glad. The more people we have on these projects, the faster we'll be ready. I know. I was killed for it. But it doesn't sit right with me.

I've brought a pillow with me. When I finally crash, I'll be ready.

Where are you?

At the garage, working. The cement gun might be ready tomorrow.

I might have to get used to whatever technology you're using, but I'm pretty confident in my skill with machines. Weapons will be new, though.

I won't tell you how it should sit, that's up to you. But in a battle there isn't time to think about that kind of thing, and whether or not the person you're facing deserves to die. It's easy to second guess afterwards and demonize yourself, or your opponent, but fighting for your life isn't about morals. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I'd be happy to show you. I've brought someone up to speed from the medieval era before, if you're familiar with that term? No, but being a hero is. That's where I failed.

It might have been mentioned in my reading, but not inherently, no.

You're a hero, huh? Sounds tough.

It is, but it's right. Anyway---what kinds of machines have you worked with?

I can't argue with having a strong personal code of responsibility.

Anything I could get my hands on, but the technology of my world is a little different than the stuff here.

Did you bring any of it with you?

Just a tool kit, no actual machines.

You're not alone. That battle tore pieces off a lot of us. Don' feel like you're bearing this alone.

That could still be interesting! Do you want to discuss it sometime?

I'd be all for it.

That's...sad, but I have to admit it's a little comforting. How are you coping?

Great. So when do you have time to meet?

[He'd spoken to Billy once out of costume, but he figures this time, it's better to do it as the Blue Beetle.]

In a war, just leaving guys unconscious or immobilized is a lot like leaving someone in a burning building and saying that you didn't kill them, you just didn't save them.

[His tone isn't nearly as pragmatic as his words. It bothered him a great deal in the heat of battle, and it's only continued to bother him a whole lot more.

That said...] This thing's got something called population suppression built in. It basically sends the guys I zap into sleepy-town for a few hours. If you think you can replicate something like that by having a look at it, you're free to give it a shot.

[He buries his face in his hands.]

True. Maybe I've just held onto my idealism too long.

[But he keeps listening, because there's something else he can do.]

If that worked, though, it would be a step in the right direction. I'd like to try, if that's okay.

It's solidarity. At least when other people understand something, it can make the burden a little lighter. In theory.

( Honestly, knowing that other people are feeling this way might just make it worse. Some hero you are, Atlas. )

I'm getting there. We just have to keep going, right? Keep pushing, and things will get better.

It might, if we push in the right ways. That's why I'm trying to develop better tools, so we have more options with fighting.

Edited (i fail so much again ) 2013-05-28 02:17 (UTC)

[A long silence after the click of the audio feed clicks on. He hasn't thought of it like that, that the soldiers didn't have a choice.]

There must be something else we can do.

[It's a long time before she replies, if only because this whole thing has strained her too, albeit for different reasons.]

You killed; you did not murder. Regardless of what they did or did not know, they were the enemy and they would not have hesitated to end your life. I will not attempt to tell you that it is not a heavy weight to carry; I have no desire to lie. But I think you judge yourself too harshly. The heat of battle is no time to consider such things- it is kill or be killed.

That's what I'm working on.

Long-term, our quarrel is with the higher authorities in the United Earth, not its soldiers, so I'd like to take the fight to them. But we're not ready yet, and until we are, I want to try for a better way without compromising on our ability to save lives.

I hope that's possible.

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