exsilium | when one bypasses the brain [video]

[Billy is located in his garage, a number of shiny orb-like devices lining the walls behind him. There are a few gun-like shells too, though when questioned he'll be all too eager to explain that none of them are lethal.

He has the pale, bags-under-eyes look of someone who's hardly slept in a week. It's well earned.]

I've been thinking about the battle all week. And with what I know---or think I know---of the United Earth, I think I've committed an unforgivable crime. The UE citizens are guided from birth to hold certain opinions and aptitudes, slotted into their roles by a totalitarian organization pulling the strings, aren't they? If that's true, the soldiers never made an informed decision to fight against us. They were innocent, and...I murdered without acknowledging that. They never had a chance at freedom, and now they'll never have it.

[He hangs his head, drumming his fingers against the worktable.]

I know there's no penance for what I've done, no excuse that justifies it. Nothing will ever be enough. But to make it easier for others to fight without killing, I've been drawing up blueprints and making protoypes for some more effective non-lethal weapons. I understand if you don't trust me with them, or if you would rather develop them without me, but I'm willing to assist if you'll have me.

And before I end this: please don't think I'm passing judgment on anyone else about this. That world was worth trying to save, supplies were low. I simply allowed myself to cross a moral line I swore I wouldn't. I don't know how to live with myself, but I fully acknowledge that this is my own fault.

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[It's a long time before she replies, if only because this whole thing has strained her too, albeit for different reasons.]

You killed; you did not murder. Regardless of what they did or did not know, they were the enemy and they would not have hesitated to end your life. I will not attempt to tell you that it is not a heavy weight to carry; I have no desire to lie. But I think you judge yourself too harshly. The heat of battle is no time to consider such things- it is kill or be killed.

[Billy briefly looks up, still looking haunted.]

I know. They didn't. But I did it in part because I didn't have the tools to fight another way. I'm hoping to fix that, but...if this is going to work we have to be allowed to bring the fight to the people who are controlling what's going on.

And it still feels like murder to me.

If it is murder, then there is not a soldier who has not committed it. Do you believe most on the battlefield are there by choice? The common soldier fights because he is pledged to his lord, because he is bound by fealty, or because he has little other choice. The United Earth presents a more extreme case, perhaps, but the principle is the same.

[And then more softly:] Was this the first you had taken life?

Not quite. I've killed before, but it's always been...soldiers created by clay and moved by a sorceror's magic, or a tube of lipstick temporarily transformed into a monster. Or at the very least, people who had willingly made the choice to fight.

It's never easy, but...this case is really unsettling.

[Right... She may blink a little at those first two examples, but she settles back into a somber expression rather quickly. This isn't the time to ask.]

You have a good heart. I see well why my Celebrían has taken to you so. [A little pause] You should rest, if you are able.

I'm going to be resting, probably with some chemical aid.

[He looks embarrassed by her assessment.]

I wasn't sure what either of you would think. You think she'd still want to associate with me?

Good.

And I am certain that her opinion of you will not have changed. You are not the first she has known who has spilt blood and lived to regret it. [Celebrían is the daughter of a kinslayer, when you get down to it. Granted, Galadriel was probably among the least guilty of the guilty, but that sort of thing tends to give you a more understanding perspective.]

Is she well? Do you think I'll be able to contact her soon?

She is well enough physically, but this has left her unsettled. She- [A crack in her voice. She looks down, away from the camera for a split second before she begins speaking again, her normal tone returning.] She worked as a healer in the field; the experience did not treat her kindly.

I think it would do her much good to hear from a friend.

...I can't imagine how hard that is for her.

[He looks worried, sympathetic.]

I'll leave her a message in the morning, all right?

[Another little pause.] Thank you. I know she is not the only one to suffer here, but she is dearer to me than aught else this world contains.

I'll keep that in mind. I promise.

And, again, you have my thanks for that.

when one bypasses the brain [video]

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