01 ☢ video

[ex_havenofear960]

[The camera clicks on to reveal a skinny kid with a mess of brown hair. He's holding the tablet in front of him, so the view's a bit shaky; it doesn't help that he's fidgeting and gesturing with his other hand as he speaks, first and foremost being a quick and awkward wave hello.]

Hey. Hello? This is on, right? You know, they should put a light on these things to show they're transmitting. Maybe they do, I didn't really - [Barely a pause as he checks himself, gets back on track.]

Sorry. Hi, my name's Peter. Peter Parker. So I got the welcome tour, and I guess my big question is - where can we get decent food around here?

[Priorities. He got most of the relevant info the other day, anyway. He almost looks like he's done, but then he abruptly remembers something and speaks up again in a rush.] And I made a thing. I mean, I didn't really make it, I just re-made it. I probably messed some of it up, but I guess nobody here's going to know any better, right?

It's for Collette, but I figured anybody could use it. Let me know if you have questions, or just type "help" and it should cover the bases. And don't forget to use your lanterns. [And Peter out - no wait, just kidding. He's half a second from ending the transmission before he stops.]

It's a game, by the way. The thing.

[He's done for real this time, pending an attachment:]

► ATTACHMENT 1: zork.exe

Comments

[ex_havenofear960]

No problem. [ But he's squinting as his screen a bit, and it's only half because of the eyes and the horns. ]

What's the complicated answer?

[biwinning]

I'm going to make it better.

[ex_havenofear960]

[ Wow rude. It gets a slight grin, though. ]

Yeah? Lots of people already have, but feel free. Still, you should show some respect, man - this is a classic.

[biwinning]

A classthic that will thay "I don't understand that" at the thlightest invalid input. Classthics are classthics because nostalgia ith a powerful enough thing for people to dithregard the future in favor of a "leth complicated" patht thimply becauthe they were too dumb at the time to realize the "cool thing" they had wath really jutht thit on a thtick.

[ex_havenofear960]

Wow, tell me how you really feel.

I didn't make the game, you know that, right? I mean, I just copied it. But still, harsh words.

So what games are up to your standards, then?

[biwinning]

I know. But I have to criticize THOMETHING.

Onesth that change reality and their ultimate prize a new univerthe in which you become a God.

[ex_havenofear960]

... oh. That's all?

[ Seriously?? God? And said as if he thinks you're just a bit crazy now, naturally. ]

[biwinning]

And I mean, I wrote one that did that, no big deal.

[He's a 14/15 year old who looks like he's still 12. If this doesn't reek of "trying to show off to someone older than him," nothing does.]

sorry for slow!!

[ex_havenofear960]

[ He's side-eyeing the screen so hard, man. ]

Just to clarify - are you talking game universe, or actual universe?

I TOO AM SLOW.

[biwinning]

Actual univerthe. Of courthe.

WE SHALL BE SLOW TOGETHER

[ex_havenofear960]

[ Still judging. ]

Right. Okay, so let me get this straight - you made a game that lets you become God, yeah? So could you not beat it, or are gods just okay with being kidnapped?

YES TRUTH

[biwinning]

I beat it. But the code that allowed for the transfer of god-powersth was dethtroyed by a viruth-infected pawn from a future game session that could travel into the past, which at the time was my present.

Tho the game worked flawlethly, but per uthual, it'th other playersth who go and fuck it up.

[ex_havenofear960]

[ What the crap. ]

Come on, now you're just making this up.

[ ... although. ] But I won't argue with you about other players screwing things up, that's like the Murphy's Law of gaming.

[biwinning]

I'm not, and I can name thix people here who would agree with me.

Multiplayer is thimultaneously the best and worst feature ever added to any game. You're trying to capture the flag and thomeone elthe ith off glitching into a wall. I mean fucking come on, you should be required to take an IQ test before you're allowed to even press a power button.

[ex_havenofear960]

Well, technically - if it's a glitch, then that's on the programmer. I was more thinking that one guy who always launches a grenade at his teammates.

And when you say six people, you mean six people from wherever you're from?

[ SLIGHTLY JEALOUS... ]

[biwinning]

That too. Or the perthon who logsth into a game only to idle the whole time. Way to make the teamsth uneven, athhole.

Yeah. I mean, "technically" there'th more, but only six trolls. The retht are humansth but they can back me up the thame. Thince they're the onesth that fucked up my session.

new account hi!!

[arachnoid]

[ ..... trolls........ ]

So when you say "troll", you don't mean - I mean, we're obviously not talking living under a bridge, right? With the horns and the - you just look more normal than your classic troll. Well, "normal".

[ Because yes, he totally noticed the skin and the horns, but he was trying to be polite about it. ]

niceee

[biwinning]

Oh no, of course I mean that kind! We all live under bridges, you know, and we're all eight feet tall and carry around giant clubs and FUCK YOU. HOW MANY TIMESTH A FUCKING WEEK DO YOU THINK I HAVE PEOPLE THAYING THAT SHIT TO ME? ARE YOUR HUMAN THOUGHT-SPONGES THAT HEAVILY SEEPED IN THE STUPIDITY POOL THAT YOU CLEARLY CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR OWN MYTHOS AND AN ALIEN RACE?

thanks! and oops is this a sore point

[arachnoid]

[ OH MY GOD he wasn't even trying to start something and frankly he's a bit terrified of the yelling child. Child? Yeah, close enough. Enough so that he doesn't know what to do and just...

...... hangs up instead. But it was just a knee-jerk "make it stop" reaction, okay, he really didn't mean to. Hence a text a few seconds later: ]

sorry!! sorry

he is also... violently bipolar.

[biwinning]

wiiggler.

[arachnoid]

[ what's a wiigler..... ]

what?

[biwinning]

my CULTURE'2 way of 2ayiing you're a "baby."

[arachnoid]

oh. sorry.

[ Except he's over the yelling now, even if he's not switching back to video, so- ]

so no bridges then.

[biwinning]

the only briidge that ha2 any 2iigniifiicance two me ii2 the briidge from my foot two your a22.

[arachnoid]

i thought we were bonding over talking about video game douchebags and now you sound like one

i'm getting mixed signals here

[ Bolder over text? No, certainly not. ]