one. (video)

[promisor]

[ The camera turns on to darkness, then redness, then ... focuses on someone who can be best described as very Dracula-like. If Dracula was small and had pointy ears, that is. ]

Oh, is it on? Very well ... Ahem.

[ The tablet is set down on something and Valvatorez takes a step back so his dramatic cape flourish can be seen better. His previous rather calm expression promptly turns into an angry one. ]

Listen up, you foolish humans! I have saved your world once before and now you expect me to do so again and fight in one of your stupid, pointless wars? The absurdity! I suppose it's to be expected of humanity, but do you not know that the only true way to achieve victory is through your own strength? There's no point to it if you don't fight your own battles. Kidnapping others and making them fight for you ... Do you honestly believe I would abide such a thing? Think again!

I refuse to fight your battles for you. HOWEVER! For the sake of my Netherworld, I will do what must be done and it's clear to me you are in dire need of some re-educating and as such I, Prinny Instructor Valvatorez, cannot turn a blind eye. I shall teach you the very meaning of fear and make you reform the Hades way! That is my promise, as a proud and noble demon.

[ He pauses, taking a moment to nod to himself, apparently satisfied with what he's just said. ]

Before I end this, I shall leave everyone with some very important advice. If you truly wish to become better and stronger, then you must start by eating SARRRDIINEES! [ You're spared an explanation why because the dramatic raising of his arms that accompanies his words knocks the device over and turns it off. ]

Comments

[audio]

[inline]

Might find some of those lying 'round if you're real lucky, then. Pretty sure thousand year old's the freshest you're gonna get.

[audio]

[promisor]

I shall have a word with the authorities about his, I will not stand for the lack of sardines! It's an ABOMINATION!

How do they expect people to get stronger if there are no sardines!?

[audio]

[inline]

Uh, they eat something else? S'not like sardines're the only food high in iron—if that's what you're after!

[audio]

[promisor]

That's not the point! There's nothing quite like the sardine, which is full of all the necessary B vitamins, major minerals AND omega-3 fatty acids to help prevent heart diseases!

[audio]

[inline]

Oi, since when'd demons get heart diseases! I dunno man, probably time to try some new stuff. You can't be real picky 'bout food here.

[audio]

[promisor]

BLATHERSKITE! They helped me regain my power and so I will only settle for sardines, no more, no less!

[audio]

[inline]

Blatherwhat? Dude, are you seriously telling me your power comes from sardines.

[audio]

[promisor]

I wouldn't lie about the importance of sardines.

But that, and camaraderie.

[audio]

[inline]

—C'mon, like they're even related!

But tell that to those Initiative guys? They brought us here to fight, so maybe they can cook up some kinda substitute diet to help keep your powers. Unless you're talking real, live sardines to use in some demonic power-gain blood ritual—they're extinct, man.

[audio]

[promisor]

I wasn't aware they were supposed to be.

And the whole point of all this is time traveling, is it not? Then surely they can save the sardines from extinction if they truly care about their world.

[audio]

[inline]

Or you can just grab some when they send you back, 'cause I don't think sardines're that high on their to-do list.

[audio]

[promisor]

Then I shall make them get their priorities straight! An Earth without sardines is not a proper Earth at all.

[audio]

[inline]

Lots of not-a-proper-Earth shit going on here, actually. You oughta ask 'em to do something 'bout the weather while you're at it.

[audio]

[promisor]

It's entirely possible that if the seas are saved, the weather might be improve as well.

1/2 [audio]

[inline]

[—awkward silence for a bit! It's only just hit Kazu that he's kinda-sorta asked a demon to do something and WHAT IF HE AGREES AND WANTS HIS SOUL IN PAYMENT.]

[audio]

[inline]

[Luckily, the reply that comes hints at nothing of the sort, and there's no ghostly contract unfurling out of thin air on his end, so he clears his throat a little bit before answering.]

Uh, yeah, I guess. The environment's kinda a mess right now.

. . .

Good luck just asking 'bout the sardines, man.

[audio]

[promisor]

[ Valvatorez is completely oblivious! He just hums thoughtfully. ]

If you wish to save the environment, you could always join me. Perhaps they will be more inclined to listen if more people ask.

[audio]

[inline]

[Did the demon just ask him to... Save the sardines with him... How's he to be polite about this, god.]

Oh, uh. I'm more of a burgers and fries guy myself.

[audio]

[promisor]

[ That gets a disapproving tutting noise. ]

Then you're in dire need of a better diet. Besides, you're the one complaining about the weather.

[audio]

[inline]

It's called variety, variety! You ever seen a human who only lives off of sardines?

[audio]

[promisor]

If Prinnies can do it, so can humans!

[audio]

[inline]

Hey, you gotta get real here. We've got these things called balanced diets!

...What's a prinny?

[audio]

[promisor]

A sardine contains everything you need! It's far more practical to stick with one thing.

A Prinny is a reincarnated sinful human soul who is sent to the Netherworld to pay off their sins.

[audio]

[inline]

...The all-fish diet's part of their punishment, huh. And don't tell me sardines contain stuff like Vitamin C!

[audio]

[promisor]

Hardly, it's because sardines are cheap. They may not contain Vitamin C, but they are rich in Vitamin B and D! As well as calcium and protein. Now tell me, what other foods do you know of that not only cleanse your blood, but also prevent diseases and help you burn more fat!?