♋ 1; video

[crusthatecean]

[Today, you are getting a grey alien kid on the communicator.]

Okay, so apparently we're supposed to introduce ourselves. I can't tell if this is required or not, but what the hell.

Hi. It's Karkat. Here is where my boast about my impressive indispensibility to your army goes, but...look, I don't need to talk up my own shit to you, your stupid human organization is the one that brought me here. Either my value will become obvious or it won't.

Anyway, yes, I'm a troll, I get the impression you've already been introduced to the concept. But please don't make assumptions about me based on the others you've met because let me tell you, this is basically the worst of the genetic slurry poured into a concentrated pool of stench right onto your lap. They are pretty much all top contenders for the biggest embarrassments to the empire in our entire history.

So if you have any questions, you can ask me, probably, unless I get tired of listening to it.

Comments

video;

[tipsygnostalgia]

Hey most the trolls here are pretty cool actually.

[crusthatecean]

No, but I'll forgive you for not having spent enough time with them to know that.

[tyrians]

oh my cod!!!
S)(OUTY!!!!
ABOAT TIM-E!!!!!

[crusthatecean]

...FEFERI?

private

[fintastic]

See! -Even Karkat knows w)(ic)( Peixes is wort)( remembering. 38)

video

[fintastic]

Karkat! Hi Karkat! First Nepeta, now you too! This is great!

[crusthatecean]

I know, it's so incredible and amazing. All of us dumped into this shithole together, what could even go wrong?

[iorhael]

I hope you do not take offense, but you look nothing at all what all the stories say trolls are supposed to look like.

[you look quite small! and not at all fearsome]

[crusthatecean]

[No come on bro he's at least a little fearsome right]

What? What are we supposed to look like? I can't even conceive of how stupid these stories must be to even muster offense at them.

[audio]

[asskickersunite]

So you're a friend of Sollux and Equius right? They seem like pretty cool dudes.

Anyway, it's nice to meet you kid, I'm Eddie.

[crusthatecean]

They aren't. I don't even know how anyone could have such a wrong impression.

Hey.

video;

[caligulas_aquarium]

Sol's actin' weird.

Tell him to cut it out.

[Yes really.]

[crusthatecean]

Really? Why would I possibly want to do that?

What is he even doing that could be considered weird for him?

Voice;

[musclebeast]

Excuse you, you little whelp. I realize you enjoy the title of leader, but on this account you certainly don't speak for all of us. I am hardly an embarrassment and you are hardly a good enough example to represent me. [Hmph.]

[crusthatecean]

I'm not claiming to be the be all and end all of trolls. But if an alien species' only contact with us was you, they would have a completely wrong and completely obnoxious impression.

[biwinning]

Oh, you haven't died yet. Gueth I better put away the "Vantath ith dead" thtreamersth.

[crusthatecean]

You're still here, I guess you still haven't choked to death trying to suck your own bulge.

Tell me why Eridan is bothering me with accusations that you're getting ashen with everyone around you.

permavid

[livinuptothename]

Only really talked to Feferi, can't say I can judge your entire race by that, man. The dude with the hoofbeast fetish is kinda hilarious.

Do gotta question though, do all of you guys know each other?

[crusthatecean]

Feferi's okay, but really, really not representative.

We do. I mean, okay, it's possible a troll could show up here that has no relationship to us whatsoever, but at this point that hasn't happened. Even the one I don't know knows me from the future.

text

[bearswitness]

Unfortunately yes we're familiar with trolls by now and I at least have come to the firm conclusion that the entire lot of you are terrible.

[crusthatecean]

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING.
ALTHOUGH I DON'T SEE ANY EVIDENCE OF WHY YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE.
WHO APPOINTED YOU HIS HONORABLE TYRANNY IN CHARGE OF SPECIES?
YOU ONLY KNOW, WHAT, SEVEN OF US?
I MEAN, I CAN SAY WITH CERTAINTY THEY'RE AWFUL BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.
BUT I DOUBT YOU EVEN KNOW THEM.
NEWSFLASH, HUMANS ARE TERRIBLE, TOO.

[gentle]

You seem to be upset, or angry.

[wow no shit n.]

Since others of your kind are here, however, wouldn't that be the source of at least some joy? Even if they are incompetent at times.

[crusthatecean]

I'm always upset and angry. It's not really a big deal.

video

[moirailcompass]

Now there is a voice I haven't heard in furever! [Much, much too long for Nepeta's tastes]

And you are cheery as always, I'm glad to see.

[crusthatecean]

Nepeta?

Shit. Hey. I didn't know you were here.

video

[fourscience]

[Wow these trolls are just piling up aren't they? Nananea seems happy about that.] Oh, I always have questions for trolls. How many of you are there! I was under the impression that the population of your species had been greatly reduced, but still more of you keep pouring in!

Not that I am complaining about your presence one bit, of course!

[crusthatecean]

There are twelve of us total, plus some dead ghosts who can apparently show up. That's not exactly that many, I mean, there are hundreds of humans hanging around here.

voice forever.

[payback]

Do you all hate each other?

[crusthatecean]

Yes.

...For the most part.

[standup_for_justice]

Miss Feferi is pretty nice.

[crusthatecean]

Feferi is fine, but not exactly someone who is indicative of your typical troll.

permatext;

[boughtabookstore]

You don't remember being here before?

[crusthatecean]

WHAT?

NO, I AM PRETTY FUCKING POSITIVE I HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.

[video]

[skirtcladgunner]

Are you always this much of a ray of sunshine?

I kid, I kid. But don't think that most of us want to be here any more than you, either.

[crusthatecean]

If by ray of sunshine, you mean my barbs are like the burning red heat of the sun searing through your defenses until your crisped, dead skin is sloughing off in ribbons and exposing your vulnerable interior to my merciless hatred, then sometimes I'm even more of one.

I didn't say anyone wants to be here, I said it's stupid.

[alwaysforhim]

Hi! I'm Merlin!

[Oh my god who is this ray of sunshine.]

How are you?

[crusthatecean]

Shitty, Merlin. I am shitty.