11th Mistake; video

[moralperil]

[Hello network, you might know this one: small framed with long, dark hair, violet eyes, perpetually clueless expression, dressed in a soft blue sweater, hair pulled back with long bangs free. Mahdi's voice is airy and nervous.]

Hey, um! It's me, Mahdi. I'm really sorry to do this when everyone else is making really good posts about important things, or going through really difficult things, but I just have some stuff I need to say and I think doing this is better than like, dropping off a dozen notes to individual people's inboxes. I kept putting it off, but there's probably never gonna be a good time.

[Mahdi pauses for a long moment, fussing with long strands of hair in nimble fingertips, frowning. The angel takes a deep, nervous breath.]

The thing is... I'm not a boy or a girl, I'm just me, sort of neither and both. I guess if I really thought about it, I'd say I'm a little bit more of a girl than a boy, but I'm still in between. Where I'm from, that's not as uncommon as it seems to be here. It's also - [Mahdi clears hir throat] like, it's not a big deal, because it's just an ordinary part of life. If someone realizes one day that they are a girl when they were a boy before, or they were a girl and now they are androgynous, or whatever, it's just a part of life. Like it's not any more interesting than someone picking a new style of dressing, or a new hobby. If that person changes their name, everyone does their best to learn it. It's all about just accepting people for who they are, whoever they are.

I know it's different for a lot of people and cultures. Even though genders other than male and female exist in many human cultures, and have throughout history, it seems some cultures are just as invested in the idea that there are only two. And that there are rules about how those two kinds of people should behave. I don't know anything about cultures other than human ones, I mean, aside from mine, though. So. Um. [A shrug, and Mahdi glances off-screen awkwardly.]

I don't mean to inconvenience anyone, or make it awkward, since I know this stuff might be confusing for a lot of people, and others will be like "why is that even worth saying anything about". But, I just wanted my friends - and future friends! [smiling] - to understand me a little better. So, in conclusion: [Ze points to hirself] not a girl. Not a boy. Just me.

If anyone has any questions, I'll try to answer them as much as I can. I'm gonna take a quick walk to the observatory and if you want to talk to me in person, we can do it there!

[A bright, if a little forced, smile.]

Thanks everyone!

[The video ends.]

[TEXT ADDENDUM]

IN terms of pronouns I prefer 'hir' instead of 'him or her' and 'ze' instead of 'he' or 'she'. If that's too hard to remember, just using my name or 'they and their' is acceptable. Please and thank you!


[OOC: just let me know if you'd like to do an action thread here or if I should open a log post!]

Comments

[allucinator]

What do you want me to call you?

[moralperil]

[Sweetly:] I like it when you call me darling~! [Mahdi's coming in for a smooch!]

[allucinator]

[He hums into the kiss, lingering at it-- but when they break away, he murmurs:]

But I mean-- he? She? What--

[moralperil]

Oh! I'm really starting to think I should've put that in the post, I just didn't want it to be too much information too process...

[Mahdi pats Jack's cheek.]

Um, I guess one convention is to say 'ze' for he or she, and 'hir' for him or her. Or just... they, their, and so on.

[allucinator]

Oh. Okay.

[He considers this for a few seconds, then decides he doesn't want to think about this now. He'll just-- use the words, and listen to the post again, and try to figure this out privately.]

Simple enough.

[moralperil]

It probably isn't if it's not an idea you grew up accepting.

[Mahdi sounds apologetic.]

Thanks for being so understanding.

[allucinator]

Thanks for talkin' me through it.

[He kisses him again.]

I like you a lot, darlin'. Okay? Don't forget that.

[moralperil]

[Grinning.]

I like you too! I'm glad we agree.

[Mahdi presses a gentle peck to Jack's lips, then goes back to leaning on the window, staring out at the stars.]

This life is complicated enough as it is...

[allucinator]

God knows.

[He leans next to Mahdi, staring out into space.]

Too complicated, sometimes. Christ, fuckin' rebellions and all this shit.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi makes a noise of disappointed agreement: ze never likes it when people each other, and worse still, ze can understand why people rebelled. It's no good to force people into service. But something else overtakes hir curiosity:]

...Do you believe in God, Jack?

[allucinator]

[This was sort of inevitable, wasn't it? You can't date an angel and not talk about religion. Jack takes out another cigarette and light up as he tries to think.]

I don't . . . know.

[He sucks in a breath.]

I ain't known since my Ma died, really. And then those two months in Edelweiss . . . I didn't believe then. I thought, I thought that there couldn't be a God, cuz . . . some o' the stuff I saw, how could there be a God if He'd let that go on, you know? I don't even tell you the worst o' it, I just . . .

[His grip tightens on the cigarette. His stomach is beginning to pitch; he grits his teeth and pushes on.]

But then I come here. And I'm healthy, and I get food whenever I want, and a bed, and-- and I'm told I get to save the world. And I meet you, and people like-- like Rin, and Ashraf, and I think, you know, maybe He works in mysterious ways, but then what about everyone else? Them that died, the-- the--

I don't know, Mahdi. Maybe that's me answer: I don't know, one way or another.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi simply takes Jack's hand, listening.]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

I'm just curious. In spite of everything, I'd say in comparison to humans, greater mortals don't really believe in anything so nice as a god that cares what happens to them.

[allucinator]

Don't be sorry. I like it when you ask questions.

[Honestly said. It's easier than somebody pussyfooting around it.]

In . . . where I'm from, we think angels are like . . . God's servants. So you don't have one?

[moralperil]

Not in the same way.

We believe we were created to carry out the wishes of the ones that created us, but we were left behind by them long ago.

[Mahdi shakes hir head.]

Like... we're the older siblings, left to look out for a race of people in their infancy who don't remember our parents at all. But as we go on and on, we don't remember either...

[allucinator]

That's depressin'.

[He remarks that as he sucks in another breath.]</small. I dunno if that's better or worse'n me. Jesus.

[moralperil]

I think a lot of my own kind would agree with you. People tend to either devote themselves fanatically to the Charter, worshiping it for what it's done for us instead of what it could inspire us to do... or they think it's all pointless, and we're alone, and it's worthless to help humanity.

[Mahdi leans against Jack slightly, shoulders touching.]

Either way, they think we must know all the answers, or that the answers we don't have are bad ones.

I'm weird for not believing it. For feeling like, you know, if I was born with the power to help, I should help. I don't care if the Charter is real or if our ancestors never return to us. I don't care if this is the only life I get to live. I know myself. I know what I can do.

I'm not really scared.

[allucinator]

[He leans back against him, intertwining their fingers.]

Shit like this is why I like you, you know.

[He stares up at the stars.]

You're so good.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi laughs, loud and sudden!]

I don't know! There are parts about me that aren't good! I was cowardly, with Keeran. And when I was living with Naumu and he said something that annoyed me I'd put soap in his food!

[allucinator]

[He snorts.]

That don't count.

[A beat, and then:]

You weren't cowardly with Keeran.

[A statement, not a suggestion.]

[moralperil]

[Mahdi shakes hir head fiercely.]

It felt like the opposite of being brave.

[allucinator]

You survived.

[He kisses the back of his hand gently.]

Just like I survived.

[moralperil]

Mm. [And Mahdi almost says but you definitely had it worse than me, then reconsiders. There's no point in that conversation, and Jack is trying to comfort hir.]

...You're pretty good yourself, you know, Jack.

[allucinator]

I'm me.

[He gives him a small smile.]

I gave up tryin' to figure out what I am months ago.

[moralperil]

There are always going to be things we don't know for sure.

[Mahdi shrugs.] That's one thing I always find comforting. I tell myself that when I'm at my most stupid and confused. There are things even the best people in the world don't know.

[Mahdi smiles, brushing hir lips over Jack's knuckles.]

Are you happy?

[allucinator]

Yeah.

[He says it softly, still staring ahead.]

Happier then I ever been, you want the truth.