exsilium | oo2 || text

i dont really think i want to talk about it

but if you want then yeah

You don't have to, but I would like to see you, yes!

yeah its fine

im in the vr room but i can meet you somewhere

The Observatory? That's halfway, if you want?

sure

ill be there in like 20 minutes

Okay!

( which is to say, about twenty minutes later, she's managed to make her way down the hall (or up? direction here is odd!) to the Observatory, looking for Isaac's familiar, lanky form.

It's been a bum rush on losing people lately. She doesn't want her friends to keep missing the people who're important to them. Allison -- Allison had to hurt over this, too, for all scott was her ex. )

[He's managed to find his way there a little before her- and when he notices the familiar dark hair and the metallic shine of the wheelchair, Isaac waves a hand at her, motioning her a little closer.

He doesn't seem particularly happy, but he's here. That counts for something, anyway.]

Can I offer a hug?

( She asks, once she's close enough. It's not so much out of having been close to Scott -- he's nice enough, they'd talked time to time -- as much as knowing what it's like losing impotant people to the randomness of the Transport Pad.

But she also knows most folks don't like how touchy she's prone to being, or simply aren't huggers. ~~Thus she eventually inflicts herself upon them, ahahaha!~~ )

Only if you're the one that wants one.

[Isaac has never really been the touchy feely type. A hug might be nice, but ultimately, he doesn't see how it could help. Still, he leans down a little so that she can move closer and wrap her arms around him if she so chooses.]

When don't I?

( She asks with a lopsided smile, wrapping her arms around him when he leans down. She doesn't linger; it's a squeeze, and a deep breath and smile as she pulls back away. )

The view out here never gets any less crazy, you know?

I guess not.

[But he takes the hug and even returns it a little, before pulling back.]

I haven't been out here much. I'm not one for views.

I guess I'm still used to it. Staring out windows at places that are hard to get to and all. At least we know we can get back down to Earth. That feels better than it could if it were someplace we'd never have back.

( Like homes, or lost friends, or missed opportunities. )

Hey, Isaac?

[Isaac nods at that, biting his lip a little at the explanation. He understands what she's saying- or, at least, the gist of it. At the question, he looks down at her expectantly.]

What is it?

Did you mean it, way back when you said I could talk to you about anything? Even the not so good things?

Of course.

[He turns fully to her now, giving her his attention.]

What is it?

( She breathes deep, feeling her heartbeat. An angel is the only one who's guessed, in over a year here. It might not even be fair to tell Isaac, but she's been slowly finding she wants to talk about it, even just to say it out loud to acknowledge that it's painful and scary and true.

Break says she needs to rely on people around her, even if at the time it'd been specific to him and really Gilbert. Caesar says she has a way with people, but she's not so sure of that. Not right now, at least, when Isaac was hurting because Scott had been sent back, and he was left here without him. She wouldn't say it was like how she felt with Marco, because she and Marco had never been close.

Even if Marco was cute. )

You know that I was fighting in a war back home, too?

...yeah?

[Isaac tilts his head at her, biting at his lip. This doesn't sound good- it sounds downright bad, but he said that she could come to him with anything, right? Even if this is a bad time, even if Scott's departure still cuts deep in his chest, he needs to be here, for... for everyone who's still here, Collette included.]

I remember.

( This is hard, this is unfair. She looks away, bites down on her lower lip. Her shoulders hunch. Her eyes come up, but it's to focus on the idea of Earth out there in the vast darkness. )

I didn't live through the end of that war.

( And like that, for the second time she's ever confessed to having been dying when she was brought here: for the first time to a friend. And for another first, outright saying what it was tied to, if not touching even close on any of the details. )

[That stops him cold, and Isaac pauses for a long moment, looking at her with his brows pulled together and his mouth partially open, like he's not sure what to say or how to say it- like he's not sure of anything at all. He shouldn't be surprised, not really. But he is, and it hurts more than it should. it's like Erica again, like Boyd and his brother, like everyone else who's left recently.

Death happens. It's a fact of life. If working at the graveyard had taught him nothing else, it showed him that everyone dies, some people younger than others. Death doesn't have a concept of 'fair', it's just a heart that stops beating, a mouth that stops smiling- Isaac knows this. But Collette-]

...how long have you known?

[How long has she had to deal with this by herself?]

( She swallows. She doesn't know where to look. Her gaze ends up falling down to her hands, one thumb running over the back of the other. )

Since I got here.

( Well over a year. The whole time she's been in Exsilium. Everyone she's cheered on, or cheered up, and said they'd be going home. Everyone who had nothing to return to that she's sympathized with.

All of it. She's always known. )

[Isaac doesn't know what to say. There's no real sense of betrayal there- it's her business, she doesn't have to tell anyone if she doesn't want to, but there's just a deep, lingering realization as he tries to think back to their conversations, to know that she knew...]

I- I don't know what to say.

[He swallows hard, leaning back heavily against the railing, blowing a breath out of his cheeks.]

Sorry? -that sounds insensitive. But... god, I don't know. Have you talked to anyone about staying here- or maybe some kind of... revival thing? I mean, it sounds like a fair trade, right, you help them with their war, they bring you back...?

( She gives a small shake of her head, and an apologetic smile. )

No one knows how to make what the Transporter does stable. Sending people back to where they were... well, they can't do that without bringing United Earth attention, and that's really, really bad. I'd never, ever want to go home, not to let the United Earth do what we already stopped someone else from doing. I couldn't!

( The last two words sounding firm. )

Not that anyone knows what'd happen if you showed up alive in your own world after being gone. They may have that crazy resurrecting machine most the time here, but it's gross, it's wrong. Life's not so cheap that you should rely on something like that... and that's the thing. How does it work? 'Cause the things they tell me makes it sound like they're stealing us back all over again.

( Which isn't resurrection. It's retaking you, again and again, from before everything happened. )

I hope we'll have a better answer one day. I mean, there's a lot of people here who have no future, or... you know. I have to think one day it might actually be a choice. If I'm still around by then.

( Which is the only time her voice wavers, saying that last sentence. Her smile isn't exactly forced -- it's just a little smaller, and more contemplative, and yes, a bit sad, as she looks out into the vast dark outside the window.

It's a long, long way away from everything any of them know. )

[Isaac rubs at the back of his neck, not exactly meeting her eyes but nodding in understanding when she speaks. He supposes that he can follow her reasoning- and it's not like this is something she hasn't thought about, not if she's been here so long after her death.

He wants to hit something. He wants to throw something. But there's nothing nearby, save for the railing, the observatory, the coldness of space. The tension carries in his shoulders, tightens in his jaw, overtakes him like a wave of anger that pushes the sorrow back down where the rest of the mourning is. Erica, Boyd, his mother, father, brother- and now, Collette.

His hands tighten into fists. Isaac knows that he can't make this about him- he knows that. But there's a selfish part of him that wants to grab at the armrests of her wheelchair, yank her closer and yell until she understands that she has to push, no matter what the cost is.]

...you'll still be around. [His voice is a little hoarse.] I'll make sure of it.

( She watches that tension break over him like a tidal wave, watches because these are the things she looks out for. It's something she's supposed to be wary of, that she's more situationally aware than frightened by.

So her smile is lopsided. Watching him fist his hands, she looks at how the differences in his handling things are appreciable. She's glad.

Collette doesn't get that same kind of angry, but she's glad someone does, as long as Isaac has the rest of someones to help temper him down and help him laugh again. )

Between the both of us, and the rest looking to stay, it'll get figured out. I know it will.

( She believes in that. Largely because... )

I don't want to die. Not again. So I'm not aiming to just... let it happen.

( And there is the selfishness to why she fights. Not a belief in what is going on, not a love of the Initiative, but a love of living. A chance.

Also the wish not to see harm visited on hundreds of thousands of people, but that's a number too big for one mind like hers to grasp, and she can remember the pain of her friends and her city more clearly, even after over a year of time and countless distance to separate the two. )

Good.

[He finally agrees, face a little flushed with the anger that he has to push back for Collette's benefit. It's not good if she sees him like this, uncontrollable and angry at her expense. He wants her to confide in him again, wants her to feel like she can talk to him. She can't do that if he freaks out like this.

His hands slowly go loose at the though, the tension forcibly relenting from his shoulders, his jaw. Isaac nods and he looks out toward space. Tears don't come to him, but even that really isn't a surprise anymore.]

I'll make sure you don't. [Quietly, as he looks down toward the floor.] I'll fight for you if I have to. I'm not the only one, either- I know loads of people will.

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