exsilium | 05: † text

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05: † text

Hello, everyone.

I have been in United Earth territory since June. I was released last week. Although I have been inspected and declared safe by the Initiative, I feel that it is my obligation to notify you all of what happened.

I am very eager to see some of you again. I am staying in my assigned housing at 502 while I continue to recover. Please come by at your convenience.

((feel free to use this post for both network conversations and action!))

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[For days he's waited for a sign. A signal, a clue left to prove that the being known as Kaworu Nagisa had existed in this space. That he hadn't disappeared as Martin had by a stranger's raspy boast, that he hadn't vanished and left a bare room as one of the many Rei Ayanamis had. I will be back, was his implicit promise. I will let you know, Blue assured him.

Resisting the temptation to withdraw into his dark room is a testament to how Exsilium's changed him. Part of it is because of the white kitten entrusted to Shinji on his birthday. It grew slowly over the past two months, gradually gaining the confidence to stop darting under the bed whenever it heard Shinji's footsteps. Maybe, Shinji thought, Kaworu would be proud of him for taking care of such a helpless creature.

And here Kaworu is. After wishing so long that it felt like a prayer, he's back. Even if the words are off, even if he can see the disturbances beneath that usual calm--

He's selfishly happy. And he feels sickened by how strong that emotion is.

He almost wants to cry.

He's so pathetic.]

[And even with his happy relief, he plays the role of the coward.]

Are you all right?

[it's probably good that Shinji can't see him right now, even though he knows the shame is inevitable.]

Please come. Shintaro will let you in.

Okay.

[That's all that needs to be sent. In a few minutes he arrives, clutching a bag of fruit close to him. He has too many questions to ask and they swell in his mouth until they become a heavy feeling. Kaworu didn't answer his question. Was he trying to hide something?

Cautiously, he leans around the corner and speaks softly.]

... Kaworu?

[What he's wanted most for the past six weeks is now what's causing him to pace about his room. Just a few days ago, Kaworu was trapped on the continent, having completely given up on any possibility of escaping. Days went by where his only human interaction was wordless medical exams and sterile caretaking. In his despair, he'd become completely resigned to never seeing Shinji or his friends again. The emotions caused by his release are too tight and tangled for him to begin to understand.

But surely, Shinji arriving should be something joyous... even if he's mad. Even if he's gone back to hating him for leaving. When Asuka came by to yell at him and release some steam, Kaworu was still happy to hear all of it. But with Shinji...

The sudden sound of his voice makes his feet stop. He jerks his head up to see Shinji there in the doorway, looking hesitant. He's been caught pacing.

Finally, Kaworu pushes through the heavy weight in his heart to force a smile.]

Shinji-kun... it's good to see you.

[He's begun to understand more about the sides of the Angel. Nervousness. Sadness. Where he once saw only the still and calm surface of that warm smile, Shinji's beginning to learn to pick up on the nuances and to understand.

He's never seen Kaworu pace, to catch him looking so uncertain and worried. Shinji stays still, looking him over. He seems unharmed.

Now that they're in person, Shinji isn't sure what to do. He's frozen to the spot before he finally takes a step forward, letting his fingertips leave the doorway.]

... you're really back. [It's not the most sentimental of greetings. But Shinji's never been good at expressing how he felt.]

Yes.

[His usual sentimental lip service is nowhere to be found, either. For another moment he stares at him. Should he walk closer? No, it's not clear yet whether such a movement towards him would be welcome. While Kaworu is relieved that Shinji isn't eyeing him with anger, openness is something very different from a lack of anger.

Instead, Kaworu sits back on his bed. The sheets are disorganized from getting up so much.]

I'm sorry.

[I'm sorry.

They were words Shinji made him say before. Words that seemed strange and foreign on the Angel's lips and, for some reason, twisted a strange pain in his chest.

You shouldn't have gone alone. You shouldn't have left in the first place--

He directed those words towards so many people the past month or so. But Kaworu had been the most painful.

His fingers curl.]

Did you find what you were looking for? [He says it with a little bitterness.]

[Kaworu swallows, accepting that bitterness. It's meant for him. He surrenders his stare and looks at the floor instead.]

No. Just the opposite.

[A nightmare found him instead. Kaworu had never felt helpless before in his life. He's regretted decisions, he's felt duped and betrayed, but he has always been in control of himself.

How much of that does Shinji care to know? Probably not much at all. Kaworu wouldn't have it another way.]

Shinji... I wanted to come back...

[It's not right for Kaworu to sound so apologetic. To sound helpless. Because, although he hated to admit it, Shinji relied on Kaworu even in Exsilium.]

... you shouldn't have gone alone.

I know. I regret it.

[Shinji can't know how much he regrets it. Kaworu keeps his eyes on the floor as he manages to keep his composure.]

Have you been alright?

I was fine.

[There's a hesitance before he approaches Kaworu so that he's standing in front of him.]

... what about you?

[Just how serious is that question? Kaworu continues to keep his eyes averted, even now, when Shinji is so close by. On one hand, he's caused him and his other friends so much distress over not knowing where he'd gone. And between Kaworu and Shinji, it's even deeper than that - Kaworu has promised before that he'd be honest, be respectful, to Shinji from now on.

But on the other hand, Kaworu doesn't want to hurt him. He doesn't want to cause his distress because of some stupid trouble he got himself into. Telling him about it could produce an unpredictable reaction.

After what happened between them on his birthday... what would Shinji do if he learned what occurred since then?]

I'm... tired. I'm dazed.

[that's all he says, but then he adds what seems to be an afterthought.]

Nageki and Rei are gone, now. Aren't they?

... they are. [There's no point in trying to disguise it. Any vague answer or lie would be unveiled quickly anyway, for the Angel, and would cause Kaworu more pain than it should.

I'm sorry, he almost says, but bites that back. He's getting better at not apologizing. Shinji stares at that tired, tired face before looking down.]

You should rest. I'll... have you eaten yet?

[A sinking feeling drops into his gut when Shinji confirms it. Rei Ayanami... the closest person he had to kin, gone again. He was just starting to draw closer to her, too.

And Nageki... The image of him lying dead in his hospital bed floats back into his mind.]

No. I haven't eaten yet.

[Not that he needs to, or that he wants to. But he doesn't want to be left alone, not right now. He hunches his shoulders and covers his eyes with one hand.]

Shall we eat? Your cooking... it's been a while. I would like it.

[He raises his eyes. There's no way Shinji can deny him that request when it's spoken in such a weary tone.]

... is there anything in particular you'd like?

[he shakes his head, his overgrown bangs swishing over the hand hiding his face.]

... I'd love anything you'd cook for me. What is your favorite thing to make? Make that.

[You - provide for me what I want. You, give me that happy feeling that I can't find any other way... Give me my sense of self, my reason to be... Because now, I'm...

A moment of thick silence passes again.]

Shinji-kun. It will be troublesome for you, but... Please, let me stay with you for a while.

... I don't mind.

[He can't refuse Kaworu, who he respects so much, that small offer. If he can assuage whatever hurt the Angel has right now by simply existing, isn't that a good purpose?

I can be useful.]

You should rest. I'll make something in the kitchen.

[He raises his head to look at him over his hand and between his bangs. Kaworu's gaze is gentle, the sad but patient expression of a poor old man standing in a long line at a soup kitchen.]

Your kitchen?

[When he said stay with you, that's what he meant. Kaworu doesn't want to be here anymore. While Shintaro's care for him is very diligent, Kaworu has to maintain his usual visage around his roommates.

Shinji knows him better.]

[He understands with that slight correction. Shinji thinks for a moment. His roommates... he's sure that they wouldn't mind if he brought Kaworu with him. There was room enough for one other person and he'll take responsibility for the boy's care. If he needed to, maybe sharing his room could work as well. It wouldn't be the first time they've done something like that.

So he nods, a small gesture.]

... I need to check with them.

[Shinji's confirmation rouses Kaworu from his depressed mood. Standing from his bed, he reaches out and takes his hand. His soft palm smooths over Shinji's and squeezes it with mild desperation.

Some energy has returned to him now. His posture is tall and straight again. Although he still looks hesitant, the half-asleep look on his face is gone.]

Let's go.

[Kaworu's grabbed onto his hand before. But their roles feel reversed now--he the caretaker and Kaworu the cared for. He isn't sure if he's really ready to don the role, but if it's to repay that bit of kindness he was shown...

Shinji doesn't return the squeeze, but he doesn't pull away either as he turns.]

Follow me.

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text --> action; wow sorry for the late

it's fiiine

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