exsilium | 05: † text

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05: † text

Hello, everyone.

I have been in United Earth territory since June. I was released last week. Although I have been inspected and declared safe by the Initiative, I feel that it is my obligation to notify you all of what happened.

I am very eager to see some of you again. I am staying in my assigned housing at 502 while I continue to recover. Please come by at your convenience.

((feel free to use this post for both network conversations and action!))

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Oh, there's nothing to be sorry about! Now I know that when you leave for two months, you don't think I deserve to know! But hey, you'll tell Blue, whoever that is!!!

I have regretted it since the day I left.

whatever you say, nagisa.

maybe they should've kept you.

Maybe.

Will you come see me?

Why should I?

My selfish desire to see you again and hear your voice.

[he had become so convinced that he would never experience either of those things again.]

Please...

fine.

[She shows up outside his door and knocks. She looks surly.]

Edited 2013-08-06 01:25 (UTC)

[when the door opens, Kaworu is there in sweatpants and a T-shirt - pajamas. Aside from his bangs reaching past his nose now, he looks the same as the day he left. No injuries, no deprivation. Aside from the empty look in his eyes, he seems alert and healthy.

But he doesn't say anything for a long moment. He's soaking in the sight of her.

Finally, hesitantly, as if just remembering:] ...would you come in?

[Asuka doesn't reply; she just pushes past him and into his apartment. She shoots a withering glance around the room, as if she's trying to find proof that he was just hiding out here for a long, long time. She finally rounds on him and folds her arms.]

...well? I'm here.

[is she alright? how has she managed with one eye? her hair is growing out. it feels like there is so much to say to her. he yearns for platitudes and small talk as much as he yearns to confess much bigger things.

Kaworu has never been in this situation before, and he really has no idea how to go about apologizing to her or making her listen. Once the door is shut and she's turned back to him, he calmly walks over and pulls her close up against him.]

[She's waiting for something else. She's not sure what - but it isn't that. She tries to tug away from him with a yell.]

Stop that! You left!

[Just like everybody else.]

I did. It was selfish...

[He doesn't let go. There's a few more moments he can keep trying, so he clings tighter and presses his cheek against the side of her head.]

Please, forgive me. A day didn't go by where I didn't curse myself. I've yearned to see you again. Even back then, I knew better... I knew not to treat the people you love that way.

[Asuka slowly stops struggling and pushing at Kaworu and goes still, eye locked on the far wall as she slumps against him bonelessly. She doesn't move, she doesn't say anything, she just sits for a long few moments, not sure of what to feel or how to think. She's hurt - she relied on him, put a tiny bit of trust in him and then he vanished and she wasn't sure what to do.]

...don't say that. You left, just like everybody else-!

[When he feels her weight against him, his desperate grip around her shoulders relaxes, too. Holding Asuka in his arms like this, when he has become so undeserving, makes him feel ashamed.]

I intended to come right back. Things went wrong.

I don't care.

[She mutters against his shoulder, back tensing up as she gets ready to shove him again.]

I don't care!

[She tries to push him off of her again.]

Why would you want to go over there anyway? What kind of idiot are you?

[This time, he lets her go, and takes a few steps back on top of it. He's told her what he'd wanted to say during those weeks he was held captive. If Asuka needs to be angry now, he'll endure it.]

I thought I could do something to help, but I was wrong. I was found and detained.

Well, who's fault is that?

[Asuka wants him to hurt. She wants him to eel terrible. She wants to vindicate her anger and pain and he really is the most convenient target.]

Why would you care anyway? You're not even human!

My fault.

[after closing his eyes for a moment of meditation, he turns and begins to walk back to his room.]

That's right. I'm not human. [he speaks with his back to her. the door squeaks as he pushes it open farther to enter his room.] Am I?

No. But you're still just like everyone else.

[She sounds horrifically bitter.]

[he looks over his shoulder and back at her, exhaustion in his eyes.]

So I am unlike everyone else, but just like everyone else. I wonder just what it is that makes me different anymore.

[Kaworu is really talking about something completely different than she is. Asuka's accusations are a springboard for getting lost in the sea of issues drowning him inside his head now. But even so, he wants her here, with him... Being the subject of her rage provides a comfort he couldn't describe to a Lilim.]

Are you going to leave me now?

[Kaworu waits in the doorway for her to follow.]

You'd deserve it.

[She wants him to get angry. She wants him to lash out. She wants to see that she's hurting him. But he doesn't respond to her barbs or her insults or the way her sneer carries over into her voice.

This silent, calm acceptance of her anger isn't fair.]

Why shouldn't I?

[She's stalling.]

[Because you don't want to. Because you missed me. Because you were worried about me. Because you still are worried and you want to know what happened. Because leaving wouldn't be the way to treat someone you love, either.

There is a dozen very true responses he could give to that question. No matter which he chooses, his guilt will remain. The best way for him to take care of his sense of failure towards her is to make it about her.

He looks down at the ground and sighs.]

Because, I want you to stay. Please, don't leave.

[Asuka looks away, hands curling into fists.]

Why? Why? You left me without even saying goodbye! I didn't even realize you were gone!

[They're starting to go in circles. What is it that she's subconsciously asking him to say? He's not sure. Maybe she's gone back to trying to get a reaction out of him.]

I've already agreed that it was a mistake. I wouldn't expect you not to be angry about it.

[This may be something he isn't going to be able to address with Asuka now. It's only their first meeting since he got back. As much as he wants her to sit with him, and let him hold her hand, and distract him from his problems with her own, it might not be possible.]

You can leave if you want.

I think I will!

[She's still angry and hurt, so she simply turns to storm out. She pauses in the entryway to get in another parting shot.]

Maybe you can enjoy being by yourself!

[She slams the door on her way out.]

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