exsilium | text; where do we keep the lost and found around this place anyway? (forward dated to late 7/13)

[His silence is even more telling now. Whatever emotion he'd attempted to plaster on his face to hide the true weight of the topic vanishes. He's been here for enough weeks now, seen enough of this world that the last memory of his own has already started to become muddled, but he remembers his brother's words as though he'd just spoken them. Gil, the Baskervilles are trying to put the Abyss back the way it was and should be. He and Leo had condemned Pandora for doing the exact opposite of what they'd always claimed, switched the enemy for the savior. He can't say for certain who had been lying back then, but it hurts his head to think about it, broken glass in his head reflecting back memories that still cut too deep to recall.]

...It's more accurate to say that they 'protect' more than 'fight'.

[It's obvious that he's stretching the truth here for the sake of sparing her a long and terrifying explanation.]

Just like this world, there are horrific things out there that people need to be protected from.

Aren't most people fighting to protect something, or someone?

( She wonders honestly, even as she sees him try to make Pandora and its Chains something nice. But they really can't be, can they? Power at a cost, like everything else. Morphing at the cost of life.

Life... )

How quickly will it kill him?

[She's hit the nail on the head again, and Gilbert dips his chin down to hide the obvious expression on his face this time. For all he time he'd spent attempting to deny what he once was, a useless, nervous, crybaby of a boy, that's one thing he's never been able to develop; any semblance of a pokerface.]

It won't. [He answers, voice resolute even though his eyes still betray just how nervous the prospect makes him.]

There's no way that I'll let him die.

( She had similar difficulties when she wasn't hiding behind a smile. It made watching Gilbert an interesting entertainment, if she were being callous; part of her could be, when particularly tired, though the greater portion would still see it as a benefit. She likes knowing people all over the board in terms of expression. It's one of the endlessly fascinating parts of human, and sentient, interaction.

What is means while she watches Gilbert now unsettles her, but it helps in a way to see that he's not comfortable with the idea, and so resolute in standing up against it. Wanting to save someone important to him... a friend, maybe close enough to be family? She gets that. Her bond was nowhere near that strong with Oz, but by and large, it wasn't with most people. So it's with a sense of amusement at herself, in how she structure the importance and friends, and in knowing what she's already said to Oz, forehead pressed against his while he lay pinned beneath her, that she speaks now. )

Then I guess that means I'll help ground you, too, as long as you're both here. ( Her smile is warm, though the set of her eyes and jaw is determined. She's tired of losing friends. For the times she can help... then she will try. ) I want to see you both be okay. No matter how often the Initiative can bring someone back...

( No matter if you are already someone the Initiative has brought back, just to fight their war... )

It's nicer to live uninterrupted, don't you think? Where things are still exciting because you get to have firsts, or seconds, or ninth times of trying. I'd like that for Oz. For you, too, Bertie!

( It's a slide into nicknames again, partly beause it's easier, partly because it's meant to be offputting enough to make the rest sound overly sentimental, for all that she's dead (ha-ha) earnest on the subject matter.

Wow. Dinner was far more serious than she'd ever intended. Collette reaches out and adjusts her plate, then looks to the nearest dish. )

Shall we?

--You're still insisting on 'Bertie'?

[He sounds grumpier than he looks, but he does his best to glare across the table at her. It's hard though, when she's speaking so highly of his young master. About keeping him safe no matter how many do-overs there may or may not be here. There's no sense in living propped up by such nonsensical hope.

He sighs and then reaches for a plate as well, to answer her question.]

'Gilbert' is just as many syllables.

I like Bertie.

( Simple and to the point. She does glance his way, offering a half smile -- she sees when it annoys him, and she'd be lying if that wasn't part of the fun. Nick names were part affection, part a desire to make sure people knew you (even if it was to know to be irritated by you).

As for the food... Some of this, yes, let's try that. )

What's Gilbert mean, anyway?

[Yes good let's eat this thing that they just made for that kid who never showed up.]

Hm? I don't understand what you mean...

Like, as a name. What's Gilbert mean? Collette's from Nicole, from Nicholas. It means people's cvictory! That sort of thing.

( She passes one bowl his way. )

[He takes it and spoons some food onto his plate.]

I don't think it has a meaning? It's just a name.

[But he sounds disappointed in his own answer. It could just be that he never thought to question meanings behind names, but honestly, the subject has never been brought up.]

All names come from somewhere. It's why we're not like... called Dude and -- Girl and Boy all our lives! Why'd you get named Gilbert in the first place?

( To be fair, she was amused by naming conventions from places outside of her realm of experience. Caesar's still cracks her up today.

Not to mention the kid named Loki who lived with her for a while. )

If it doesn't have a meaning, we'll just have to make one up together!

[His name has always been the only thing he's remembered from childhood aside from less than a handful of brief, empty memories of his brother and Jack. Its meaning is 'the name that Oz could call me when he met me' and nothing more.]

To be honest...I don't remember.

( She blinks, sampling some of what's on her plate. For a moment, she thinks Gilbert might go on.

He doesn't. )

What do you mean?

( I don't remember could mean all kinds of things. Amnesia would be the like, cinematic version, but the more down to earth was simple. Forgetting what he'd been told, never really knowing, hearing it when he was younger and forgetting the details over time. )

[Unfortunately, his life is a terrible movie cliche.]

I don't have any memories from before I was nine years old.

[Though he doesn't sound too terribly upset about this fact.]

( Cue her blinking. Oh. Woah! )

Trauma, or a head injury? I knew a few kids who had it both ways, but more who had massive head trauma instead of like, emotional trauma. Nine years gone like that? That sucks!

[His head tilts slightly to one side.]

Neither? Ah, I'm not exactly sure myself.

[Break told him the story, and it was corroborated by Jack later. The tale of a boy wandering lost through the Abyss, half-dead and carried by his little brother. A voice from the past reminding him that once he'd sacrificed himself to protect the person that he cared for the most. Those memories were gone, but the people of the past weren't.]

It's not important. I just don't know where the name came from...so I'm sorry I can't answer your question.

( What a past she's constructing over here. It makes Gil and Oz a more odd duo; Break, too, and Ada, the whole picture of people who she's met and knows are related in some fashion to each other.

But it's one she's not going to press for on Gilbert. If he can't remember, that's that. Whatever happened was enough to lock away a large part of his formative years, if not all of them. That's intense! )

You don't have to apologize, silly, it's not your fault! You're okay now though, right? Like, no bouts of stuff you can't remember? Narcolepsy? Migraines? Fainting spells?

( Nothing that lingers that would be more physical than psychological? )

[That's a long list of things to ponder. And for a second he almost feels nostalgic towards Vincent and the many times that he'd had to pry his brother off the floor and carry him to a couch at Pandora when he'd fall asleep under his Chain's influence out of nowhere. Before he'd been glad to go months without thinking of his little brother, but now...

Well, they'd left off on a bad note. Too much left unsaid and unexplained.]

My memory has been fine ever since then. And everyone gets headaches sometimes...

Yeah, Mom's used to get really bad after a few long shifts at the hospital.

( She nods, like she can understand now what he's working with -- psychological, though past thinking she's identified that, she has nothing else to think about it. Sometimes your brain didn't want you to remember things.

Like childbirth, apparently, according to her mother and her Obgyn nursing friend, or else no one would go through it more than once.

She opts not to share that on any level. Gilbert doesn't seem like the type to find that fascinating -- and certainly not the type to find it relevant. )

What's this dish again? Man, you're a wizard in the kitchen! To think I've been calling Oz one for all these months...!

( She laughs, looking down at her plate. Not that she's exaggerating. For as much as she can taste whatever it was, it did seem good. It's not Gil's fault things taste a little ashy right now. )

[While he's glad for the change in topic, he's also uncomfortable with compliments. How does anyone deal with them, he wonders. He's only taken food that was available and cooked it to a point where it would be acceptable for people to eat, and that was the only real trick to it.]

Oh - it's just a pasta salad. [Using whatever fresh vegetables he could find here.] Why were you calling him that...?

I know! I'm not even a big Italian fan, and I love it.

( She flashes him another smile, genuine and sincere in her compliment, as much as she delivers it with a qualifier she doesn't usually bother handing out. Good food is something to enjoy, no matter what! )

The Wizard of Oz is a character in a movie back home. Actually, he might be in a book, too? He's this guy running a country from behind a curtain, kind of literally. He tricks everyone into thinking he's something he isn't using smoke and mirrors. But I mostly call Oz a wizard 'cause the name's similar, not for the lying part. Oz is about ten times more charming than the wizard is anyway!

Italian...?

[This is other-worldly pasta right here! Or something like that. he's heard the word 'movie' thrown around a few times, but he still doesn't understand what it means. 'Book', however, he can comprehend completely. Though he does look a little sad by the description. Oz is a liar, definitely, but the guy in this story sounds like something far more twisted than his young master.]

But how can he get away with it if he's only behind a curtain?

[Even fake Victorian Japanfranceengland has doors.]

How does any magician get away with his tricks? Distraction! Smoke! Mirrors! A reputation! What people believe -- ( she says, laughing, sitting back from the table and pointing with her fork toward the plates in the table's center; ) -- is more important than what they see. People want to believe one kind of reality. They're pretty stubborn about it! So if you change how people see you...

( She makes a viola motion with her fork. )

Then viola! You too can be a wizard, even when you know no magic at all!

[Change how people see you...

One doesn't need a curtain for that. Sometimes all they need is a wide-brimmed hat and a sullen expression. In the ten years that Oz had been gone, Gilbert had tried his best to figure out a way that he could hide behind another name to keep Oz from knowing the truth or discovering who he was, but his own smoke and mirrors hadn't been enough.]

That sounds like something that everyone does, not just people pretending to be wizards.

[Though, given the crowd that Gilbert usually spends time with...]

I think we all do, just in different ways. Sometimes you pretend out loud. Other people pretend all up in their own head. It's whatever works for you.

( Stated with a calm sort of curiosity -- thinking about people she knows, now and then. )

It's pretty amazing what you can do just in changing your outlook, or meeting an expectation, even if it's not true! Some things are just that much easier to believe than others.

Mm.

[He nods, but only looks down at his food by means of any response. It's a heavy topic, one that he usually tends to pretend he doesn't understand even though he understands better than anyone what it is to give off false impressions. It was easier for Oz to see him as 'Raven' than 'Gilbert', and for everyone else to see him as 'Gilbert Nightray' instead of the failed servant of the Vessalius house who had been there the day that his young master had been killed, so the story went. Easier to pretend that he couldn't remember anything from that day instead of explaining who had really been responsible for it all.

It had all been easier for Oz, and that had been the important thing. Another burden that Gilbert could shoulder for him so that he wouldn't have to.]

Could you pass that - [Gesturing at one of the bowls closest to her.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject