text

[caligulas_aquarium]

alright im gonna cut to the chase an keep this real simple im lookin for more a permanent an less shitty housin arrangement
but i aint about to lowwer myself to just stickin wwith the first chump wwho throwws out an offer cause i got a feww prerequisites regardin roommate etiquette im interested in actually havvin fulfilled this time cause the pair i got stuck wwith last time i wwas here had all the sense of a couple of howwler monkeys
one a wwhich couldnt stop himself from breakin shit half the time wwith his freaky mutant strength an the other wwith a broken thinkpan an a fetish for the spontaneous combustion of electronics
im avverse to keepin this short an swweet if only cause those a you wwith the attention span of a gnat wwho aint able to focus for the rest a this post probably aint my usual type a desired company
im evven wwillin to forego my usual manner a wwritin to make it a bit clearer for some a you slowwer sorts so be grateful
here goes

no pets
no psychological issues
no noises loud enough that i can hear em through the walls into my room
no unwanted social contact, no trespassing into my room without permission
no breaking anything in fits of rage
no sabotaging of my personal affairs
no attempting to share my romantic interests
no using my things
no guests after 7pm
no introducing me to your guests
no hogging the living room
no social events
no delusional belief in magic
no puns
decent sense of personal hygiene required
if you know, have ever known or are somehow associated with any of the following:
sollux captor, equius zahhak, gamzee makara, vriska serket, kanaya maryam, lalondes, harleys, striders, bariyan e kodhi or anyone who's spoken poorly of me probably on account of a mutual dislike we have of each other, don't bother applying

Comments

[caligulas_aquarium]

as much as im sure that wwas meant as a jab towwards my person id actually agree wwith you there
it aint in nobodys interest to be crossin me

[heartsink]

Hah. Sounding a little overconfident, there. It can always be in someone's interest, no matter how highly you think of yourself.

[caligulas_aquarium]

psh yeah right
i aint the type to make ongoin unpleasantries wwith all forthwwith like half a these dopes feel the need to
im a more vvaluable type to be wwith than against

[heartsink]

I'm so disappointed that you missed how much I laughed at a line like that.
I'm not one to devalue the worth of a person, but what possible value is there to someone like you?

[caligulas_aquarium]

cause unlike the masses a humans an wwhatother wwe got around here wwho aint evven evver had to CONSIDER a life or death situation before i wwas practically raised for these wwartime ordeals
ivve already conquered a planet once before full of ragin feathered monstrosities and my powwer at this points so great the full extent of a high leveled psionics weakass attempts at fightin me off are nothin but childs play to me is exactly wwhy
an thats more than most can say for themselvves around here id stake my fuckin life on it

[heartsink]

So, from the sound of it, you shot up a dove sanctuary, and this somehow makes you a warrior?

Eridan, you were bad at this before, but this is just getting pathetic.

[caligulas_aquarium]

it WWERENT NO FLOCK A HARMLESS FEATHERBEASTS ok they wwere deranged angels intent on splittin me open to decorate their tasteless wwhite cityscape
wwere talkin three or four times the size of the avverage person here an three or four times faster an angrier to boot an all i had wwas a rifle an my owwn wwits about me to survvivve
and i DID IT all by MYSELF wwith threats comin from all angles
so dont start givvin me eridan this that or the other cause you certainly got no clue as to howw fuckin difficult it wwas

[heartsink]

Angles and Angels, huh? And you're the one who gets pissed off about puns.

But I get it now.

You're lonely, aren't you? For all your guidelines, reasonable and pedantic, and aggressive violent bravado, you're concerned most with that hollow ache inside you. Like a little black hole bound up in your ribcage or whatever.

How sad.

1/2

[caligulas_aquarium]

[dfjufbdhnnfs HOW DID SHE]

[caligulas_aquarium]

howw exactly did you wwork out that conclusion from ANY of this
half of it is exactly designed an catered to the idea of all these irritants stayin the fuck awway from me
so im callin bs on your little diagnosis there

[heartsink]

EMPHASIS.

And considering the way your other conversations are going, whale, I don't need a calculator to add two and two.

[caligulas_aquarium]

wwhat
its called basic etiquette evven if i dont like these people i aint about to just flat out ignore em
i got some sense a class about me and an image to maintain a sense of highblooded decency about me
its not uncommon amongst the higher classes of alternians wwe reach out to the common folk on the odd occasion

[heartsink]

Not the fact you're talking to them, idiot. It's what you say, and what you don't.

[caligulas_aquarium]

seriously are you alwways actin like such a bitch or did i just catch you on a particularly bad day

[part genuine part deflection]

[heartsink]

Oh, no, not like this. I may not be out to make friends with any of you, but I'd be a great deal kinder to you if you didn't piss me off so much.

[caligulas_aquarium]

yeah wwell im in no hurry to keep this little bitchfest a yours goin so its not like youre obligated to keep talkin to me
so maybe YOURE the lonely one an youre doin that
wwhats it called
projection
yeah thats it maybe YOURE just projectin all your issues onto me

[heartsink]

[ wwoww who gave him permission to be insightful?? ]

Cute, but no prize. The correct answer was "boredom," so sorry.

Besides, I wouldn't be able to project onto you, anyway. You're much too pitiful a screen for any story but your own.

[caligulas_aquarium]

[baseless accusations, unfortunately

even if he's right he's still dumb]

yeah wwell pretty sure if i pissed you off as much as you acted i did thered be no fun had outta puttin up wwith me for mockin purposes so im callin BS on that

[heartsink]

I take my little joys where I can get them. You're not my first choice for entertainment, of course, but sometimes you have moments.

If you're trying to dissect me, you'll need a much sharper perception than this. It's pointless of you to try.

[caligulas_aquarium]

the only dissectin of any sort id be into regardin you wwould invvolvve repeated lacerations
an it certainly wwouldnt be for scientific purposes
im wworth more than just someones entertainment on a rainy day so wwhy not go find someone else wwhod more wwillingly suffer your company

[heartsink]

Hah! The day you draw blood from me is the day I have you strung up and suffocating on your own internal organs, with your eyes gouged out with the temple tips of your glasses.

Though I don't believe you for a moment, if you're really so unwilling to suffer my company, fine. You stay out of my hair, and I'll stay out of yours.

[caligulas_aquarium]

id like to evven see you TRY to accomplish that wwithout bein jammed into the wwall outside my livvin space as a wwarnin for other smartasses wwho think they can get awway wwith that sorta slander a my good name
but hey fine im all for avvoidin each other its practically the first smart thing youvve said all day

[He just had to get the last word in, that's all.]

[heartsink]

[ this is escalating quickly. ]

Do you want to fight me, pretty boy, or do you want to avoid me?

[caligulas_aquarium]

[well shit he was hoping he wouldn't get called out

at least while he tries to figure out how wings are a weapon aside from "dont work well with capes"]

yeah relax there im not exactly burstin wwith time to spare wwhat wwith all i got to do noww to get myself sorted around here again
so im gonna let you off the hook this time round if only for ivve got none to spare for such a minor thing like puttin you in your place

[heartsink]

Hah. Don't flatter yourself, Ampora. I was never on any hook of yours.