text

[caligulas_aquarium]

alright im gonna cut to the chase an keep this real simple im lookin for more a permanent an less shitty housin arrangement
but i aint about to lowwer myself to just stickin wwith the first chump wwho throwws out an offer cause i got a feww prerequisites regardin roommate etiquette im interested in actually havvin fulfilled this time cause the pair i got stuck wwith last time i wwas here had all the sense of a couple of howwler monkeys
one a wwhich couldnt stop himself from breakin shit half the time wwith his freaky mutant strength an the other wwith a broken thinkpan an a fetish for the spontaneous combustion of electronics
im avverse to keepin this short an swweet if only cause those a you wwith the attention span of a gnat wwho aint able to focus for the rest a this post probably aint my usual type a desired company
im evven wwillin to forego my usual manner a wwritin to make it a bit clearer for some a you slowwer sorts so be grateful
here goes

no pets
no psychological issues
no noises loud enough that i can hear em through the walls into my room
no unwanted social contact, no trespassing into my room without permission
no breaking anything in fits of rage
no sabotaging of my personal affairs
no attempting to share my romantic interests
no using my things
no guests after 7pm
no introducing me to your guests
no hogging the living room
no social events
no delusional belief in magic
no puns
decent sense of personal hygiene required
if you know, have ever known or are somehow associated with any of the following:
sollux captor, equius zahhak, gamzee makara, vriska serket, kanaya maryam, lalondes, harleys, striders, bariyan e kodhi or anyone who's spoken poorly of me probably on account of a mutual dislike we have of each other, don't bother applying

Comments

[spiderwife]

[ a short pause here ]

wwell ok
also fuck off AGAIN because esteban is a better roommate than you'd be. he lets me make all the loud noises i wwant.

1/2

[caligulas_aquarium]

[oh god why

Alright, just stay calm, plenty of people have done this before. This is clearly an attempt at provocation.

It's not a big deal.

Just.

Don't.

React.]

[caligulas_aquarium]

ok you better drop this fucked up flat forgery of an excuse for imitation RIGHT NOWW copyin my quirk seriously aint somethin thats on the table
you aint evven doin it right thats gotta be the wworst about all this

[smooth]

besides if you wwanna surround yourself wwith a species practically knowwn for slingin its shit around towwards the nearest onlooker you be my guest but i prefer associatin wwith those less inclined to survvivve in their owwn filth day by day

[spiderwife]

dunno wwhat youre talkin about
maybe youre hallucinating stuff?
its probably monkey-based unjustified hatred clouding your mind, actually
you should look into that!

[caligulas_aquarium]

no LOOK okay you are seriously breachin some cultural borders here its practically an insult to the longstandin heritage of a proud alien race vvastly superior to wwhatevver the fuck you are behind all that text
and on top a this world bein populated by a majority of the most sorry excuses for trolls there are i aint about to let MY RACE be further belittled an misrepresented by some wwashed up dirtscraper wwho thinks theyre bein funny

[spiderwife]

look i dont evven knoww wwhat youre talkin about, i think youre gettin paranoid
im just here to send esteban out to avvenge his cultural pride
howw do you prefer to have shit slung at your face?

[caligulas_aquarium]

if anythin of the sort evven comes wwithin fivve feet a my person im gonna decorate the outside a the initiative hold wwith its innards
so howw about YOU fuck off

[a pause...]

and for the lovve of all things sacred wwill you CHANGE THAT FONT ALREADY

[spiderwife]

wwhy

[caligulas_aquarium]

because

[yep]