exsilium | [INTERACTIVE INFOMERCIAL!]

[The following infomercial is being filmed on location on the seventh floor.]

Goooooood Evening Exsilium!

Are you being bothered in your home by unwanted guests who refuse to move on? Unable to sleep thanks to persistent bumps in the night? Are you at your wits' end? Then have no fear! Here at Urahara Shoten we have the answer to all your problems!

Introducing Urahara Shoten Brand SPIRIT REPELLENT SPRAY SEKIREI X!

[Behold! It is brandished at the camera with a flourish!]

One spray of this will leave you haunting free for up to eight hours, guaranteed or your money back! Or if that isn't your cup of tea, why not try our delightful Green Apple Ghost-Be-Gone Potpourri! Keep your rooms smelling appley good and banish those ghouls for 24 hours, but don't despair, each pack comes with its own refill spray, good for 10 further applications. That's 11 whole days ghost free, guaranteed! And that's not all we have to offer! Come to our premises three blocks south east of the main hold to learn more, and try our extensive range of products designed to assist you in your time of-

[At this moment, a ghost appears behind him to knock his hat off his head, and with a sigh, Urahara swings his cane.]

I thought I told you three days ago when you first partook of this immature behaviour that I wouldn't stand for it.

[With a sigh, he knocks the end of his cane against the ghost's forehead. There's an audible 'pop', a quick flash, and the ghost is gone. Urahara ruefully shakes his head and stoops to pick up his hat, dusting it off.]

I wish I could offer a guaranteed permanent exorcism service but unfortunately I seem to unable to perform those. I can promise up to three days however. Be sure to stop by the store to see what else we have to offer in order to help you deal with your pestilential poltergeists, ghastly ghosts and spooky spirits.

[The hat goes back onto his head and he offers a little bow with a flourish.]

I look forward to your patronage, good evening!

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Dear me, are you planning to turn a profit, preying on the fears of those poor souls? Isn't that a terribly naughty thing to do?

I don't see how providing a service to those who may be in need of it is especially naughty, or perhaps we have different definitions~

[He looks skeptical.]

Man, you are a total snake oil salesman. Nobody's gonna fall for this.

Now that would be extremely bad salesmanship if I were to appear on the network advertising faulty merchandise, wouldn't it? I would be committing professional suicide if I couldn't guarantee that my products worked.

Yeahhh, I'm not sure this place exactly has a better business bureau, though.

My dear fellow, I've not been in the trade industry for a century and not picked up on the importance of good business practice. It pays to have a good name and reputation rather than pull the wool over the consumer's eyes and pay for it when they boycott your services.

What do you usually sell, man? You a real-life ghost hunter?

Household goods, amenities, confectionary and a wide selection of products designed to be of use to those in the habit of policing the extra-curricular activities of your wayward spirit. I had quite the niche market going for myself back in Karakura-cho.

[He has no idea what is even going on, but he's entertained by the pitch. They don't have anything like this in Crystal City.]

[But...]

It doesn't appear to work?

[Not if you have to whack ghosts in the head. Which seems a bit...violent.]

Ah, that's because I haven't actually applied any yet. I'm used to being around ghosts and exorcising them is something of a specialty of mine. It usually works on a more permanent basis though...

Your timing seems, shall we say, opportunistic~♥

[ He's stalked you on the Network, and he likes the cut of your jib. ]

Of course a truly terrible thing would be to make people think that these little friends have expanded their reach, beyond the seventh floor.

Are ghosts really that much of a problem? One of my friends used to be a ghost you know!

I need a bottle. One keeps peeking in on me in the bathroom.

Man, that sounds good, actually. You gotta shop here? I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when I run outta mayo. I don't think the stuff they have here is the same.

Ohhhhhh.

[That's somehow even more interesting.]

Are they dangerous? Are the ones here different from your home?

[Sorry: he has a tendency to ask ALL THE QUESTIONS when he's interested. SIde effect of being hidden away in a city for a few million years.]

That is how one manages to get ahead in business; you look for a gap in the market and do your very best to fill it where you can.

To do such a thing would be exceedingly underhanded and make a mockery of honest business practices.

Mayonnaise? I might just have some of that in the fridge; it's not Japanese but I'm told it's pretty tasty. I'm afraid I've not had the chance to get stock from familiar turf.

These particular ghosts aren't dangerous, mischievous at best, but it's always best not to antagonise a ghost in my experience. These I would classify as Pluses, they're your basic lingering spirit with a certain reluctance to move onto the next plain. I am unsure how things work in this particular reality, but where I come from they're able to be moved on permanently with the aid of a Shinigami who will perform a konso- a soul burial in layman's terms- and that is that.

Now the dangerous ones you need to worry about are the Hollows, who you will able to identify by the masks covering their whole faces and the large holes in their chests- I must ask that should you encounter such a thing you do not engage them and immediately announce its location to the network so that someone capable of dealing with it is able to come to your assistance.

[Conveniently, this one likes to be Mr. Exposition at times.]

Oh certainly not these ones, they're more irritating than a problem. Some people are just unnerved by them and it only seems fair to offer them the means to make themselves more comfortable, don't you think?

How impolite! If it's made all that effort to come downstairs to peep at you I would think you could manage a show for it~

...I'll be right there Yoruichi-san.

I'm hungry too.

[SOMEONE'S BEING A BRAT]

You emptied the fridge already?

Or you could get to know them and then you wouldn't be unnerved by them and everyone wins! Besides, it must not be very nice to be repelled, huh?

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