exsilium | three. (video.)

( At least this time Ellie isn't in some random, ramshackle building, but enjoying the warmth of the kitchen and a giant cup of coffee. At least she looks marginally better rested than she has on previous occasions. )

So, with that whole swap thing, I've been thinking. ( A pause, and there's a note of self mockery in her voice: ) Because I don't think enough when weird stuff isn't happening. Or less-weird stuff, at any rate. ( Has she really digressed already and wandered off with her thoughts? She shakes her head at herself. )

I was thinking about anger. Or any emotion, I guess, when they get that intense that you feel like all your insides are writhing about like snakes, but anger's the one that stuck out for me. We're all in this war, and some of us have been in wars before and some haven't, and everyone handles it in these different ways.

( She trails off; articulating this isn't going so smoothly as she'd expected, but sometimes you just have to throw things at the wall and see what sticks. Homer used to throw pasta at the wall, a lot, and a bloody lot of that stuck. The memory makes her smile a little. )

I mean, just before I got here, Kev-- uh, this guy in our group, he wasn't doing so well with everything. ( See, Fi, she at least tried not to name and shame. Belatedly. ) Everyone tried different things to get him going, and it was this weird insight-- I guess it just said a bit about the kind of people we are, depending what tactic we used. ( Fi: sympathy. Lee: abuse. Homer: encouragement. )
I was all logic and common sense. ( A beat, before she continues, speaking a little more slowly as she grapples with her pride and tries to think it out. ) Sometimes I don't think that really shows the full picture, but.

( She could say that it definitely doesn't, not when you got anger that just bubbles up and blows being reasonable right out of the water. She could, but does not. )

Anyway, I was talking to this guy here, before, about anger. How you can use it, and that, make it work for you, and I just... I didn't know if that really worked for anyone. If anger's a weapon, or if you got an on/off switch for it, or what? 'Cause there's this quote in uh, this Shakespeare play - “wrath makes him deaf,” I think the Queen in Henry VI. ( She squints, trying to remember. ) And then there's another bit, about not coming between “the dragon and his rage,” in King Lear. I think Lear was already going crazy, though, by then, though. ( Quietly: ) It's been a while since I studied them. Trying to read that stuff and figure out all the language is hard, without those special high school study editions.

( Where was she even going with this? )

So I guess I just wondered what you lot thought about it. Anger and controlling anger and using it and whether it screws you up, or what.

( A beat, and she smiles crookedly. ) Or we could talk about dragons. We don't have any back home, but some of you have to have dragons, right?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yeah, that's what I said. ( Obnoxious. )

Okay. Some people say I just like the sound of my own voice.

[ A soft hum. ]

These 'some people' actually exist, or you make them up?

I dunno. Both? I got some friends back home who'd probably agree. A lot of the kids in my English class would've.

( Her expression sobers. ) Major Harvey definitely would've. ( There's none of that pleasant nostalgia in her voice when she speaks his name. The anger, the hatred, is an undercurrent. )

Major Harvey. [ Slowly. ] He has something to do with this anger of yours?

He's a piece in the puzzle, you could say.

( She wishes, for a moment, that she smoked. Apparently it's good for stress, she's heard, but mostly she wishes that she did so that she could inhale the smoke and feel that burn in her lungs and use those moments to buy herself time when she talks. )

I don't know if I've got a word strong enough in English for how much I hate him. He was a chalkie, right? A teacher. True blue, as Australian as the rest of us. He even painted himself as some kind of hero, leading a group that called themselves Harvey's Heroes and were supposedly fighting the invaders.

( Her voice catches when she tries to continue, and she hates herself for it. Especially talking to Nikolai, because Nikolai seems a man who respects strength and not weakness, who raised the possibility of her being either stupid or brave, and she knows what she'd rather be.

She revises what she was going to say. )

What do you call traitors in Russian?

[ Nikolai freezes for the barest moment before he smiles, unflappable as usual. ]

Many things. [ He tilts his head slightly to the side. ] 'Judas', maybe.

( She scoffs. ) Yeah. Judas.

He got a lot of innocent people killed. ( Would have gotten Ellie killed, too, if the Kiwis hadn't bombed Stratton when they did.

She doesn't feel very good at talking, any more. )

[ Idly: ] Traitors tend to do that.

[ Pause, then you can hear the shrug in his voice. ]

You don't want to be angry, then don't be.

( He's so cool and calm about things... she doesn't know if she admires him or if it pisses her off more. )

What, is there an on/off switch you can tell me about?

Da. [ He chuckles. ] No use being angry, so stop being angry.

I haven't figured out my switch, yet. It might be broken, for all the luck I've had with it.

Maybe you are just not trying hard enough?

You trying to wind me up, Nikolai?

( It might work. )

three. (video.)

voice. how can I resist??? uugguuu

voice.

voice.

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Re: voice.

voice.

voice; fuck me sideways, there are NO physical descriptions in the previous tag

voice; IT'S COOL BB i figured

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voice;

voice;

So sorry for my slowness ;;;;; assignments etc etc