exsilium | three. (video.)

three. (video.)

( At least this time Ellie isn't in some random, ramshackle building, but enjoying the warmth of the kitchen and a giant cup of coffee. At least she looks marginally better rested than she has on previous occasions. )

So, with that whole swap thing, I've been thinking. ( A pause, and there's a note of self mockery in her voice: ) Because I don't think enough when weird stuff isn't happening. Or less-weird stuff, at any rate. ( Has she really digressed already and wandered off with her thoughts? She shakes her head at herself. )

I was thinking about anger. Or any emotion, I guess, when they get that intense that you feel like all your insides are writhing about like snakes, but anger's the one that stuck out for me. We're all in this war, and some of us have been in wars before and some haven't, and everyone handles it in these different ways.

( She trails off; articulating this isn't going so smoothly as she'd expected, but sometimes you just have to throw things at the wall and see what sticks. Homer used to throw pasta at the wall, a lot, and a bloody lot of that stuck. The memory makes her smile a little. )

I mean, just before I got here, Kev-- uh, this guy in our group, he wasn't doing so well with everything. ( See, Fi, she at least tried not to name and shame. Belatedly. ) Everyone tried different things to get him going, and it was this weird insight-- I guess it just said a bit about the kind of people we are, depending what tactic we used. ( Fi: sympathy. Lee: abuse. Homer: encouragement. )
I was all logic and common sense. ( A beat, before she continues, speaking a little more slowly as she grapples with her pride and tries to think it out. ) Sometimes I don't think that really shows the full picture, but.

( She could say that it definitely doesn't, not when you got anger that just bubbles up and blows being reasonable right out of the water. She could, but does not. )

Anyway, I was talking to this guy here, before, about anger. How you can use it, and that, make it work for you, and I just... I didn't know if that really worked for anyone. If anger's a weapon, or if you got an on/off switch for it, or what? 'Cause there's this quote in uh, this Shakespeare play - “wrath makes him deaf,” I think the Queen in Henry VI. ( She squints, trying to remember. ) And then there's another bit, about not coming between “the dragon and his rage,” in King Lear. I think Lear was already going crazy, though, by then, though. ( Quietly: ) It's been a while since I studied them. Trying to read that stuff and figure out all the language is hard, without those special high school study editions.

( Where was she even going with this? )

So I guess I just wondered what you lot thought about it. Anger and controlling anger and using it and whether it screws you up, or what.

( A beat, and she smiles crookedly. ) Or we could talk about dragons. We don't have any back home, but some of you have to have dragons, right?

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I'm not sure if it works entirely, but I hear you on everyone kind of having their own thing? Anger doesn't work like that for me. But I know someone... who uses her anger as part of what gives her strength, in fighting?

( Rachel had also seemed to love the fighting. Collette felt some of that, but not the way the older Animorph seemed to... though she only had a small idea of what that love of fighting was like. )

And someone else who's important to me uses anger to help him focus on why he has people to protect. It doesn't always make him easy to get along with, but he gets angry because he cares, and he confronts people being total jerks using that anger as something to help focus and give him strength to argue.

( She shrugs, offering the camera a smile. )

But it means he gets hot-headed and doesn't see things through, or he has trouble laughing at himself, sometimes, which is okay. It's why he's lucky to have people like me around! I guess anger's scary because it can get away with you.

( Now... she thinks of Al. )

You stop holding back and you go too far over the line because you let the anger control you, instead of the other way around. Being rational about how things work... that's not bad! Emotions just don't think rationally. They're not logic. So if a scary one's in control, instead of the other way around...

( She trails off with her hands held up in front of her chest as she shrugs. What's there to say? Her own philosophy is a bit toward the other end of the spectrum. )

Yeah. I mean. Everything you're saying makes sense.

( She has to take a while to process it, rubbing her forehead, trying to remember just how she got so angry and if it even serves a purpose for anything. If she uses it for focus as it is, or if she just wants to think that way.

The silence drags out a long while, until she tampers with the feed to make it private. Her filters aren't particularly skilled, but she can try. )

I, um. I don't think I've got any-- focus in my anger, not really. It's just there and it kind of boils and burns and blisters. I could get through things before, we fought the war, but then I just keep getting angrier about everything. And I've been pretty awful to my friends.

( She's not looking at the camera. Even if Collette isn't there to address, it feels oddly difficult to confront. Eye contact might take the wind out of her sails completely. )

I'm always the one who's thinking too much and caught up in my own head, but I think I might be the most angry one out of the lot of us, back home. Except maybe Lee. I don't even know how to try to work him and his anger out. ( She's angry with him, too, the way his anger pushed them to suicidal plans because they couldn't let one of their own go off alone. )

Why is that when you try to talk things out they never make any sense?

Probably 'cause it's when we ant to make the most sense, so we get all tongue-tied and the stuff in our heads doesn't come out all smooth.

( She shakes her head, smiling at the camera even if Ellie's not looking to see it. For her own part, she wishes yet again that someone else was here: Cassie had seemed to get people. James did too, in his different way. They had a way to make people feel better.

Collette didn't find herself overly blessed with that kind of skill. )

I don't know. Maybe that's what you need, is some okay way to like... let that anger out? Some people I've met do that with being active and physically, you know... violent at people or situations where it's okay to be that way. Focusing it where it's useful, learning how to keep it control so you're not hurting yourself or your friends or even whoever you're up against more than you can live with yourself for.

( Sometimes you killed. And that was necessary, too, but doing so in anger strikes her as somewhat more wrong... if understandable. )

Hey, if you know you're angry, that gives you someplace to start! And talking about it. From one girl who's done a lot of living in her own head to another who thinks a whole lot up there, sometimes the sharing part is the most important par. Probably the hardest, too.

Hah. Yeah, probably. That's when the pressure is on.

( Conversing with Collette seems so normal that it's weird. Even on big, unwieldy topics like this. One day she'll have to tell her that she appreciates it. Eventually. Maybe. It was weird to think that once she'd been someone to help provide positive energy and get people going, when now it felt like she was the one that took them apart. She bullied Kevin into moving, taking action.

She sighs a little. )

Yeah, that's sort of what this other bloke said. That you channel your anger so that when you need it, it can take whatever it is that deserves it apart. ( Which, when she says it aloud to someone else, sounds terrible. It sounds unhealthy and wrong, to focus some vile, dangerous part of yourself into a weapon to unleash. ) That doesn't seem so good though, does it? And yet-- ( Yet she wants that. )

No kidding. I couldn't talk about this with any of the group from home.

Sometimes the people we're closest to are the ones it's hardest to be totally honest with.

( She lied to the people she was closest to, for months. She'd do it again. She does it now, just in different, less obvious ways. But she was working on all of that. )

Anger's not something I use a lot of? It doesn't really work for me. It just leaves me feeling jittery and gross and wired, so I try to let go of as much as I can and deal with what's left over. So I can't say I'm talking out of personal experience, but from second hand... it can be okay, using anger that way! It can also be not so good. I think finding ways to manage it, any and all ways that work, is the important thing. Using it sometimes to like... make you more determined to learn and protect what's important to you? That sounds smart! But letting anger guide you in a fight? It'll get you really hurt. Maybe even killed.

( She bites down on her lower lip, not sure how to say what she really wants to say. Collette isn't sure. She's not the good-talking person. She's just the chatty one. )

I don't know. I think I got so used to adrenalin and anger and-- and hate, it's weird trying to go back to ating without those things. It's like I want to be angry, sometimes, because it's easier to do than all the rest. Anger feels more natural. ( God, she rolls her eyes at herself. ) I'm like some bloody kid who has a temper tantrum and can't control it, Christ.

( Her hands press against her eyes for long moments before she rubs them through her hair. Suddenly, Ellie looks extremely tired, worn. )

Sorry. You probably have better things to do.

( Stiff, awkward... embarrassed, really. ) I'll try counting to ten.

Have you thought about finding something to do to relieve that energy? It's part of why I swim, other than to have awesome trapezoids and good cardiovascular health.

( She offers Ellie a smile, wondering if there is any one kind of exercise that could help exorcise those demons. )

One of the people I knew like that did gymnastics, anything to challenge her body and keep her mind off the other stuff, or distracted for a while. The adrenaline is kind of addictive, you know? It is for me! That thrill of doing something that really gets your heart beating, even if it's the scary thrill, there's a kind of rush. Major rush!

Well... Control's something you can learn. You see it, so you can work on it, right? I know you can. You'll figure something out, Ellie, I believe it!

( Collette gives off all the calmness of someone not expecting an immediate reaction. She's relaxed, making sure that whatever tensions she feels aren't showing visible to others. It's not about her stuff right now. )

Eh, I think you count as a pretty good thing to stick around for. Besides, friends are there for each other, however they can be, and no matter what.

I go running, sometimes.

( There's a flicker of a smile, but little more. ) Tiring out the body can help. There's still the mind going, but. And when your body is worn down and you just gotta try and sleep, there's still a whole heap of things your mind can keep going over and over. Adrenalin's good, though. You get so caught up in that thing in that second, that everything else kinda goes away.

( Her smile returns, but it's a cold, humourless thing, sharp and painful round the edges. ) Dunno that people'd think much of explosions and car chases, though.

( Some wheels are turning, though. Some possibly dangerous and unwise wheels, to be quite honest, but they are turning none the less. Very quietly: ) I'll think about it.

( She's not really used to this much praise. Well. She loves praise, but she's more used to it coming from people she's familiar with, people who've had to put up with her shit, who know that worst sides of her and praise her anyway. It feels a bit weird, getting praise from someone else. )

Geez. You're getting all sentimental on me, Coll. ( But she does look pleased. Sort of. )

Action movie people think a whole lot about those! But hey, sentiment's just one thing I'm being. I also like to think I'm being practical, fun, and possibly -- woah!

( She glances offscreen, toward her window. )

The rain just kicked itself up a notch! Anyway, where were we? You'll figure out what works for you. Every person's different. Like my Mom used to say, "Thank god for that!" Training your mind to quiet down is the hard thing, but it's totally doable. By distraction or shoving things in tight little boxes in your head and closing them until later.

The gentle, quiet people just trying to live their lives in Exsilium, then. They wouldn't appreciate it. ( She hadn't, either, when she'd just being trying to live her life and people started bursting in and tearing it apart.

Despite herself, she smiles fractionally at Collette. ) I think Shakespeare was a fan of that. Rain and storms kicking up when things were all messed up in the minds of men. Like Lear, actually. ( Apparently she's on a Lear theme today. Her English teacher would have been so proud. )

I hope you're right, though locking things up in boxes doesn't seem all that healthy.

Yeah, well, no one really appreciated the three days of non-stop bombing, but that's kind of a given.

( She makes it sound almost like a joke, this even that had been so serious at the time. )

The trick with the boxes is to not throw away any of the keys! No one ever said dealing with everything up in your head all at once was a smart thing to do. Taking time to go through those boxes up there sounds like a better plan to me than letting everything rattle around together and get all tangled up in what it means!

( For just a moment, a split-second, Ellie looks physically ill at the mention of bombings, their immediacy. ) I bet.

( Brush it off, it's fine. Don't think about it. )

I feel like you're gonna twist this into a metaphor for why I should keep my room clean.

( . . . ) Not that it isn't. My room's immaculate. ( That might be the very slightest inaccuracy. )

( Collette gets a sense that what she's said hasn't been... without an impact. She makes a mental note, responding to the last of what Ellie says. )

It better be! Hard to have sleepovers if I can't even navigate the room!

You might have to fight Steph for the covers, unless I get an inflatable mattress.

( She doesn't think about how that could sound. )

That'd be fun, though. Actually getting a few of the girls together, or something.

( Collette, however, does, lips quirking up at the corners even as her eyebrows reach for her hairline. Well, there was something new! And news, which tickles her fancy. )

Oh, you can always shove me off on the couch for the actual sleeping part. Steph, you say? She's a lot of fun! I bet she's great to be with.

( Smile. GOOD CHOICE, ELLIE? )

Oh, like a sleepover? ... A real one?

Yeah, she's really decent. She's a good mate. ( ALL OF THAT IS FLYING OVER HER HEAD, COLLETTE. ) I dunno. I sleep better when she's around, that's all.

( Awkwardly, she rubs the back of her neck. )

A sleepover or... or camping, or something. Hell, we could invite some of the boys, too.

( And thus the camping trip idea was born yes good )

( At least she doesn't take the mate the wrong way. No, that's too much something meshed into Australianisms even from pop culture alone for Collette to mistake that as anything other than friend.

The rest, however? Collette's smile softens, expression smoothing out. )

I'm happy for you, honest. Getting a good night's rest is pretty much what the doctor always orders, right after apples and taking asprin and calling them the next day.

( Said with a wink. )

Having someone there who cares about you to help you get that's pretty wonderful. Ah, yeah! Camping'd be fun! Girls and guys -- just not Caesar. Not that I think you know him, but yeah.

( That I'm happy for you seems like a... weird thing to say about sleep, but Ellie just shrugs it off, assumes it's part of Collette's general enthusiasm for everything in life.

However, the wink makes her raise an eyebrow. ) Yeah. It's good?

( Hmm. She's just going to file that away. ) I don't know any Caesar. I was thinking Pete and Cedric. Do you know them?

I know Cedric! And a Peter -- ( she hesitates, remember Al had said that was his middle name. just a coincidence, but something her mind picks at nonetheless. ) -- which is where I'm guessing the Pete comes from. Is the one you know kind of a super-smart geek?

You call him Ricco, all right? He prefers it. ( Ellie, don't be mean. )

Peter, yeah. Good guy, bit squeamish, though. I don't think he's ever seen where a good bit of steak comes from.

( Seriously, Ellie. )

Them, and Steph, definitely. Asami my roommate, uh... Mitsuki, some others. I'll ask them. We should just-- do it. Soon.

Sure, get supplies together, grab the people, and go! Though the supplies thing is really smart. I didn't realize how much was involved until the first time I went, and that was with someone who knew what they were doing!

( She grins. )

Call me when it's decided? Ricco, you, me, Pete, Steph, Mitsuki, Asami, whoever else!

Supplies won't be too big a deal, hunting out there isn't too bad. We'd get enough for all of us. Uh, them lot-- Katniss, she should come with us. ( "She needs more friends," Ellie almost says, but she puts a lid on it. ) And Fifi. Um, she's a friend of mine from back home. Fiona Maxwell.

( Hmm. She likes this plan. ) Let's say this weekend. I'll bully everyone into coming along.

( Did she say 'bully'? She meant persuade.

Don't trust that grin. Ever. )

Fifi and Katniss?

( Collette grins. )

Sounds like we're going to have a regular Animal house out there! Good, I'm looking forward to this.

[But Steph, obviously stalking most of Ellie's conversations (private or otherwise, sorry Ellie), may have just choked on her drink. Unlike Ellie, she actually picked up on the implication here and isn't sure if she's more amused, or facepalming at the fact Ellie managed to accidentally make it seem like they're dating.]

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three. (video.)

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