exsilium | ☼ 002 [audio]

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☼ 002 [audio]

[Axel doesn't usually feel the need to hide his face--he's gotten good at concealing his thoughts and making sure he doesn't give himself away... but everyone has a breaking point. Waking up to find Roxas' room as empty as Xion's suddenly was a less than a month ago is apparently his. He has to keep reminding himself that he doesn't have a heart, this can't actually hurt, it's only residual phantom pains, leftovers of memories... So why can't he just make it stop?

[There's a beat of silence, and then his voice sort of tumbles into the recording, like he tripped over his own tongue. His tone is a little strained, as if his throat hurts or he swallowed something terribly bitter.]

How often do people come and go from this place? I've noticed there seems to be a lot of turnover. A good number of people leave, a bunch of new faces show up, but sometimes old faces show up too. Is there any sort of pattern anyone's found?

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[ there's a grand old pause before-- ]

I left and came back. With my memories.

As for the departures, you're right. It's as random as who's picked to be here.

[That catches him a bit off-guard.]

You did? When? [A quick shake of his head, like somehow this suddenly rekindled a little flame of hope somewhere, and he presses a hand over his mouth briefly in thought.] How long had you been here when it happened?

[ awkwardly; ]

I was here for... I dunno, eight months? Nine? It was something like three or four months ago, I've been here a year.

[He sighs softly and rakes a hand back through his hair. This corroborates the idea that people who have been here a while are the ones who come back.]

Roxas was only here for two.

[It's like he and Xion were just dragged here for a test drive or something and then whisked back home when they were deemed somehow unacceptable. And it rankles him more than he'd like to admit.]

That doesn't mean they can't come back.

[ his voice is firm. ]

Roxas has been here three times. Xion's been here twice.

[He gasps audibly.]

Wait, what? Th-they've been here that many times? [This is like a punch to the gut somehow. Neither of them remembered having been here when he found them. Had they lost their memories of this place?

[Had he? Had he been here before as well and the time had somehow been wiped from his mind? He wants to ask, but can't quite bring himself to do so. There's a sudden tightness in his chest, an uncomfortable squirmy sensation in his stomach. Axel prides himself on his eidetic memory, after all--what does it mean if that's been compromised?]

They had no memory of this world, though. How... many others have been here multiple times?

No one else.

[ he exhales lowly before thinking, double-checking. ]

I've been here from the very beginning. The only ones that've been here a lot of times are Xion and Roxas. Sora was here once. Zexion was here once, Demyx was here... Isa? And... well, Lea. You--but not really you. It was you before you were... you.

Zexio-- Isa? Wait, what? [There might have just been the sound of a record scratch in his brain.] How can that--?

[He stops short and lifts a hand to knead at his brow. Okay. Okay. Riku's from sometime in the future, right? Meaning he himself is from sometime in Riku's past... so who's to say that he couldn't have been here at some point before now?]

Oh, man, this is such a brainscrew. You... you met Isa? [He almost sounds crestfallen at this, like maybe if he'd been here when Isa was here he could have done something about what Isa became. The scar, the coldness in his demeanor... the change had been slow and gradual, but putting them one beside the other would have thrown the differences into sharp relief. Maybe he'll always wonder if he could have done more to change their fates, but... had he managed to actually miss a chance to?]

Dammit... [His voice is quiet, barely audible, but heavy and full of disappointment. Mostly in himself.]

Axel, you can't change the past. Or the future.

[ he knows that tone. he understands it--now that he saw how Lea had reacted Saix. or, rather, Isa under Xehanort's control. ]

You couldn't have changed the way he was, not from here. He wouldn't have recognized you--he and Lea were here together. And even if he did... he'd go back to his world and forget everything that happened here.

[There's a long pause, and Axel tries twice to speak without success before he finds his voice. His words are sharp, and maybe a bit more bitter and angry than he really intends for them to be.]

I guess I should take comfort in knowing that? Knowing that my efforts would be worthless anyway, no matter what? At least if he'd been here I could have--

[He makes a sibilant noise and shakes his head fiercely.]

Forget it. It doesn't matter anyway. What ifs don't change anything either way.

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☼ 002 [audio]

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