Sortie 03 | Text

[redheadcarrier]

Anyone know where I can get a haircut?

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[salvagedsoul]

[unexpected, again. For a moment he is a bit taken aback. But finally, he answers.]

You're already better, just by making the decision to try.

Go on. You want to tell me about it.

[redheadcarrier]

i don't like it.

everything i'm supposed to be doing feels wrong and i hate it.

[salvagedsoul]

What is it you're "supposed to be doing"?

[redheadcarrier]

i don't know.

[salvagedsoul]

Hmm, let me rephrase.

What have you been doing that feels wrong, that makes you hate trying to get better?

[redheadcarrier]

I don't know.

trying not to hate people as much i guess.

[salvagedsoul]

[even though she's trying to talk to him, she's still too afraid to really say much. He ponders probing her for examples, but perhaps she needs encouragement first.]

You have a lot of anger, don't you, Soryu-san? It's not easy, letting go of it. It's your armor. It's how you learned to survive.

[redheadcarrier]

what else was I supposed to do? turn into a neurotic wreck?

[Honestly, getting angry at the world probably helped her survive.]

[salvagedsoul]

I'm not criticizing it. You've made a good start. I'm saying that you shouldn't feel bad about how hard it is to try to move on. It's scary, but as you continue down the unbeaten path towards healing your heart, there will come a time when you must let that anger go.

[there's a pause, and another message comes.]

Tell me a specific instance where you tried, and it felt bad.

[redheadcarrier]

talking to you now.

[salvagedsoul]

[that makes him smile to himself.]

You don't have to like talking to me. I'd be surprised if you did.

Still, you're doing it because you're searching for answers, and you think I have them. Right?

[redheadcarrier]

you act like you do!

1/2

[salvagedsoul]

I can listen to you, and I can love you for what you are. But you're the only person who can redefine yourself, Soryu-san.

[salvagedsoul]

...You mustn't get discouraged so quickly. It's going to take time.

[redheadcarrier]

don't say t hat.

[salvagedsoul]

[he's certain he knows what she's referring to, but he continues as if he doesn't. he wants her to actually say it.]

You know that I'm right.

[redheadcarrier]

don't say that you love me.

[Because it's raw and it hurts and she can tell that he probably means it.

And that scares her more than if he was lying. Shinji does that all the time. But she doesn't know how to handle sincerity.]

[salvagedsoul]

Why not? I do.

[...but, it's a little different. Asuka isn't like Shinji, at least not in this way. No, she's just the opposite; he had felt truly repelled by her when he first got here. But it's become apparent to him just who she really is. How shattered and frozen her heart is after so many years of living the way she has.

He had been so angry at Seele when he first arrived here - and he still is, but not the same way that he was for those few weeks after his death. And Asuka's surface behavior reminded him so much of them. As he ponders, he remembers that moment in Black Rock when he caught himself judging her for how she treated Shinji.

He's really been quite selfish.]

This pains you. If you'll have me, I'd like to keep you company.

[redheadcarrier]

[Can she do that? Can she really someone in, no matter how much it hurts? She has friends, but they're different. They're crutches for her - people she can turn to for validation. She might move past that, but that's what they are. For now.

Kaworu offers something deeper than that and she's terrified of it. She's terrified of taking a step out of her comfort zone and of possibly being hurt. She loved her mother unconditionally and relied on her and all that earned her was a broken life of hatred.

For a very long time she stares at the keyboard, trying to decide what to do. She hates herself and what she is and she wants to change it.

But she also doesn't want to be hurt again.]

if you want.

[Non-committal. Probably as close to an affirmation as he'll get.]

[salvagedsoul]

I owe it.

Where are you?

[As he waits for her response, he gets up from the dusty floor beneath his piano and starts the walk back to the Hold. Maybe this will be good for her, maybe it won't. In Black Rock she tried to walk away from him a handful of times, only to give him those hesitant glances that said she wanted him to chase after her. If she becomes too stressed this time... well, he'll leave her alone if he must. But he knows she'll just sit where she is and wallow after he's left.]

[redheadcarrier]

my apartment.