001 - Video

[ofthegrey]

[For most of it the view is in far too close. Occasionally it sweeps back to show a table, several empty shot glasses, and two other people seated nearby, Elissa Cousland and King Cailan Theirin. It cuts on and off as he thinks of more jokes. There's no way he's sober.]



An elf, a human, and a dwarf walk into a bar and order beers. A fly lands in each beer. The elf shoves it away in disgust. The human flicks it out and starts drinking. The dwarf grabs the fly by both wings and starts shaking it over the glass screaming, "Spit it all out, you little bastard!"

-

What do you call one hundred forty-four templars? [He pauses and smirks.] Gross ignorance.

-

A Dalish went hunting and killed two bucks. He decided to take them to the taxidermist. The taxidermist asked, "So you want them mounted?"

The Dalish thought about it and shook his head. "Kissing is good enough."

-

Oh, Fiona, this one is for you. How many templars does it take to light a torch?

None. That's what mages are for.

-

An Orlesian noble's wife had twins. He squandered his entire fortune trying to find the other father.

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Did you hear about the Tranquil who broke his leg raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.

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What do you call three whores in the Chantry? Converts, if they know what's good for them.

-

[His eyes are a little too hard and shiny, and he takes his time getting precise focus.]

Three dead people walked into a bar.

[He cuts the feed.]

Comments

[ofthegrey]

You think I'm going to tell you? Ha!

While I have you I have a question, though. Why didn't you ever make a magic bag?

[uncalled_for]

Fine, I'll find you myself.

A magic- What? I'm not answering that.

[ofthegrey]

Fiona, unless you're coming to have a drink, don't bother. I'm not in the mood for a lecture.

A magic bag. They hold things. Lots of things, bigger things than you should be able to put into a bag. I'm not saying you aren't useful with what you can do, but really? Have you ever tried something like that?

[uncalled_for]

Then why provoke one? [You can't name drop her in a line of insulting jokes and expect no consequences... And she's already heading over there now.]

No, I haven't.

[ofthegrey]

You're doing so well already. We need to do this face to face? [He grits his teeth.]

Maybe you should. Maybe you should try it here. Now. It would be a more productive use of time.

[uncalled_for]

[Okay. Yep. Nope. Something's off. This isn't an I am so stressed or a general I hate this place sort of drunk, is it.]

Fine. What is wrong?

[ofthegrey]

Something has to be wrong for me to drink? Since when?

[He lets out an annoyed sounding huff.]

You may as well come. I'm not going to have this kind of conversation on this thing.

[uncalled_for]

Drinking? No. This? [She'll just tap the tablet thing. Bumbling around people you know drunk is one thing but this is... welp...] It's idiotic.

Fine. I couldn't agree more. I'll be there soon.

[ofthegrey]

[He has enough self-control to bite back three different retorts that come to mind, all of them cruel and none of them anything others ought to see.]

Can't wait. [Thickly sarcastic.]

[Voice ---> Action]

[uncalled_for]

[What's more remarkable than the self control is that he's only biting back three retorts.

Give her another 5 min. and she'll have managed her way to the bar. Her original intention was to march over to him, but after spotting Elissa and Cailan she'll simply stand by the door with her arms folded. He's bound to notice the glare sometime.]

[action]

[ofthegrey]

[Is the back of his head on fire? No, it's just Fiona glaring daggers. He waits for an opportune moment and slips away from the table. Maybe he's spotted, maybe he isn't. He doesn't think Elissa will try to interrupt beyond keeping an eye on them to be sure it doesn't come to blows.]

A few jokes are a reason to jump my case and decide something is wrong?

[uncalled_for]

I'm not jumping your case. If those jokes were only directed to me or someone you knew, no. I wouldn't care. [C'mon, she can take a hit. No she can't.]

[ofthegrey]

Pff. Most people have no context for them here. The few who do also probably have senses of humor. [Unlike someone I know, hung thickly in what he didn't add.]

[uncalled_for]

And if they don't have this sense of humor you assume they do? Duncan, what we're planning to do here, we need people to respect us, don't we? This isn't going to get us any respect.

[ofthegrey]

If we're serious all the time, if we're always gloom and doom? They're not going to respect that, either. That's the mistake Genevieve made. You can't hold yourself apart from people and never let them see you with your hands a little dirty.

You need to give them something to relate to that isn't all urgency and anger.

[It's something he has never been able to get through to her, so he doesn't expect that to be different now.]

[uncalled_for]

[Actually, that does hit her kind of hard. She's quiet for a brief moment and then back comes the temper.]

So getting drunk and telling insulting jokes is your solution to this?

[ofthegrey]

No, it's a way of blowing off a little steam and getting some people to relax who have been so tense for the past week that I was concerned something was going to break.

[He's included in that statement, although as per his usual stubborn way, he's not coming out and saying it.]

As crazy as it might seem to you, those people look to me.

[He drops his voice to make certain he's not overheard.]

I can't have them sticking me up on a pedestal and thinking I can do no wrong. At home that was useful. Here, it's going to get somebody killed. So yes. I told some offensive jokes. I hit as many groups as I possibly could, and it's probably not going to be the only time.

You're the last person I'd expect to take it personally.

[uncalled_for]

This has nothing to do with this being personal or not. [There's an exasperated growl and she'll hold her head. Pedestals, huh? That's what this is about? Hopping off a pedestal?]

And it's not crazy. Just. Fine, but can we please not include those damned network things?

[ofthegrey]

Of all the things to worry about being on a network, you're worried about jokes? Really?

What is this about? What has your smalls in such a knot? I know you've never been much of a drinker. Until I'm doing this on a daily or even weekly basis, I don't see the problem. You could stand to loosen up, Fiona. You can't growl at the whole world all the time and expect anything to change.

[He hadn't intended to let things he knows of the future seep into this. But this is too much like growing apart and too similar to hearing she was back in the Circle, of all places, and it's starting to piss him off in earnest.]

[uncalled_for]

[She was not expecting that to twist on her. Her eyes narrow and she'll snap. She's not getting into this kind of discussion right now.]

I'm not growling at the world, and even were I doing so, I'd least of all expect anything to change from it!

[This isn't going anywhere fast, certainly not what she intended. She'll give one last growl of a huff and wave him off.]

Go back to your drinking and your jokes then, don't let me stop you.

[And she'll turn to leave.]

[ofthegrey]

Oh, like the Void you're not. Don't bullshit a bullshitter. Are you expecting me to believe you marched yourself all the way over here with no expectation that you could yank me into line?

[His eyes narrow, his voice flattening.]

Right. Walk away, because I couldn't possibly have said any of that because I give a damn.

[uncalled_for]

At least I'm walking and not disappearing into the shadows simply when I don't want to talk about something!

[She'll gasp as soon as the last words escape her and cover her mouth.]

Duncan. I didn't mean that. I--

[ofthegrey]

You want to talk about disappearing?

[He grabs her by the upper arm and hauls her out the door. There's no way he wants anyone in the bar overhearing this.]

You and Maric had a baby, and who was expected to deal with the fallout? You may as well have dropped off the face of Thedas. Both of you. You know what it's like to grow up without parents. You know.

How dare you. How dare you rake me over the coals for not wanting to go there with you in the sewer! I have never- I will never be a father, but I have done everything I can think of to try to help that boy, and it wasn't just for his sake.

Fuck, Fiona, we went through hell together. Both of us. Give me- Give me a little fucking credit. You think I walked away that night to spare myself? Then you don't know me. Maybe you never did. Maybe I'm- Maybe I'm sick to death of cleaning up other people's messes. Fucking Sophia Dryden's, for the Maker's sake. You think I wanted any of it?

[He's all but panting by the end of the outburst, completely appalled, and yet it was too honest to try to take back. He just stares at her unblinking.]

I should be dead. I'm dead, and it's still not over. If I hadn't died in that Blight, I was weeks away from my Calling, if that. The Taint isn't gone. There's no Calling here. You do the math and tell me how I should be acting.

[uncalled_for]

Wait. I-- [I’m sorry. As if that alone would help right now. When he drags her outside she does nothing to resist. It’s paralyzing to see him this mad, this mad and directed at her. She didn’t mean to push him to that. She didn’t even mean to say that.

Somehow through it all, she manages to tell herself not to look away, even though her expression is nowhere near the rage it was less than a moment ago, it’s not even sympathy or guilt, even. It’s beyond that. Even when he finishes she doesn’t move or speak, only stares as if she were looking for something, like she was lost and trying to find a sign.

The longest moment passes before she finally finds something, anything. And takes her speech with caution,]

But the taint. How long would you even have here then? The others, they never mentioned anything about the taint getting worse or better, so I only assumed… [Maybe it went stagnant, it was a useless hope but there was no way for her to tell.] Does anyone else know about this?

[There’s another pause, as if she’s finished. But it doesn’t last. Even if he’s drunk, avoiding things now would only leave bigger gaps. She wanted to find them and she did, she might as well grab a shovel. Each sentence the caution she held leaves.]

Why even tell me this now? Is this why you’re actually drinking? [She’ll shake her head.] I didn’t even come here to yell at you about the damn drinking. I could care less what you do with that. I asked if something was wrong and here it is. Dammit, Duncan I can’t read your mind. I’ve known you two years, you’ve known me twenty or more. Maybe I did know you, maybe we were good friends or old friends as you keep saying, but I can’t do anything for that if you don’t tell me what blasted happened. You say I disappeared and [A frustrated grumble, though it’s not meant to be directed as anger…], how am I even supposed to know that? When I first arrived here, no one knew who I was, they were all from the future and. Alistair. You know, he was the first person from Thedas I even saw. And he asked me about you. [She’ll point to him.] I knew you were there for him before I even asked you about what happened, he had told me part of it, but only part. And then, I didn’t know what to make of it or if he even… [Nope, not going there.] I’m sorry I did ask you when I did. I shouldn’t have cornered you. But when you just ran like that I didn’t know what to fucking think. I was sure I was dead by your time by Maker knows what and then when I saw you… [And even you were from the future.]

I’m sick of this place. Just as you’re sick of cleaning up everyone’s mess. [She’ll raise a hand like she’s about to say something else but it drops back down to her side and there’s a bitter laugh in its place.] It’s not even this actual place that’s a problem anymore. It’s the people in it. Different times, this is proof as to why this place is so fucked up. No one should see a future or a past or be subject to it. Maker knows knowing about the Blight before it came got to Maric enough to go with us on that suicidal mission.

[She takes a long dragged breath before steeling herself. If she can make eye contact with him now, then she damn well isn’t losing it.] If this means a damn thing right now, I’m sorry. For everything. You don’t have to believe me or even listen to me. [She’ll take a step forward, she’s pleading with you on this one.] There’s hardly anything I can do now for something I haven’t even done yet. You offered to look after him and you did. I’ll always be grateful for that no matter what on earth happens to me decades from now. If I knew of something I could do to help this I would, if you would even let me. But I can’t do a damn thing if I’m in the blasted dark on things I don’t even damn well know about. So tell me then, why I’m the one who disappears or what even happens years from now?

[ofthegrey]

[How long would he have before the Corruption became visible? Before he became a sick, evil shell of himself? Like Bregan and Genevieve. He doesn't know. He only knows it will happen, because that's what happens to Wardens who don't take the Calling when their time is up. He focuses on the easier part of that, though, his voice harsh.]

No. No one else knows, and we're going to keep it that way. [It's as though he thinks he can glare that resolution into her head.]

You come here and get in my face, and then ask my why I'm telling you?

[He lets out a sound that in a better mood would be a laugh and drags both hands down his face. Her words continue to wash over him, most of them sinking in. He grimaces. He's not that stupid, chip-on-the-shoulder kid who ran the Deep Roads with her and Maric, so why is it that every time he sees her that's exactly what he feels like?

She's young. Even if she hates this place, maybe this time it doesn't have to go down the same way. There's no Ferelden to focus on, no order to build. Maybe there's enough of him to go around this time so that he doesn't fail those who mean the most when they need him the most. Maybe the Taint will hold off long enough for him to start them on their respective roads home.

He sets the railing kid aside, no easy task in a drink addled head, and he holds the eye contact she's seeking so desperately. His hands drop away from his face and settle with surprising gentleness at her shoulders.]

I wish I could tell you why, Fiona. I don't- I don't know why. I suspect, but I don't know. Sometimes the right thing is just the least harmful thing you can do. You stopped talking to me several years ago. You never really talked to me much after Alistair was born.

Maybe I should have tried harder. I was what, nineteen, when they made me co-Commander in Ferelden? Dealing with all those suspicious, bigoted- [He sighs.]

I'm sorry. I'm not going to make things more difficult for you here again. You have my word.