[ bariyan pulls martin in when the boy drops, a quick, thoughtless motion. one hand clutched at martin's back, the other curled into martin's hair at the back of his neck.
he can't feel it. he can't feel martin's breath, martin's fall, martin's arms wrapped around his shoulders. he can only see what he sees and he sees so little and he can only guess at the rest and he can't feel, shouldn't feel, hasn't felt....
i'm sorry, he says, again, this time in another language, one that comes harder to him except in his despair. i'm failing you, again. once more, always, again. ]
[he lets out his breath in a puff, sagging into the security of the hold. it was never such a rare thing before, but Martin had ruined all that years ago. he'd been so spoiled before then, and even a little after, for how hard Regina had tried to bring him back to who he was.
it's not the same, and never can be, but it's ridiculous how much he needs to be held.
his head droops further and settles against the cold and silent chest, ignoring both. just a couple seconds, he thinks wearily. he'll let go. just a couple seconds.
[ bariyan doesn't keep track of how much time passes. his fingers press tighter into martin's back, the nape of his neck, curling around martin as if he can protect the boy through this one gesture alone. and he loses himself, for a while, mind shutting down entirely once his apologies are made. it's a strange, gratifying sort of numbness. a release, even.
he needs this just as much as martin does.
but he has to let go, eventually; they both do. there are things to be done, things to fix, an entire universe waiting to be dealt with. time starts to unfreeze itself. bariyan's hands drop, returning to martin's shoulders. he pulls himself away. for a brief moment he feels as if he is losing something. then the moment passes.
he lets the silence stay, though, and merely looks at martin as he straightens up. ]
[Martin's fingers cling a little to shirt until they slack and fall, pulled away too far. his head stays ducked down, staring at nothing. it was good and fine for all the time it lasted, but now...
back to reality: a mess. he can't even wrap his head around it; it's already wearing him out. he just wants to sleep and sleep...
his eyes flicker up first, slowly lifting his head.]
[ so. now what? now there were things to sort out. koltira, for one. perhaps a talk with john about martin's health, though bariyan doubted that the information would mean much in his hands. and martin himself.... ]
Mmh. [that's an answer, right...? a reluctant one, anyway. he doesn't want to go back and face Anora right away, but he's too wiped out to put up a fight anymore.]
Then go. I'll talk to you in the morning. [ Bariyan stands again, wincing as he does. ] And take care of yourself, Martin. Please. [ a beat. ] For my sake, at least.
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he can't feel it. he can't feel martin's breath, martin's fall, martin's arms wrapped around his shoulders. he can only see what he sees and he sees so little and he can only guess at the rest and he can't feel, shouldn't feel, hasn't felt....
i'm sorry, he says, again, this time in another language, one that comes harder to him except in his despair. i'm failing you, again. once more, always, again. ]
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it's not the same, and never can be, but it's ridiculous how much he needs to be held.
his head droops further and settles against the cold and silent chest, ignoring both. just a couple seconds, he thinks wearily. he'll let go. just a couple seconds.
minutes.]
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he needs this just as much as martin does.
but he has to let go, eventually; they both do. there are things to be done, things to fix, an entire universe waiting to be dealt with. time starts to unfreeze itself. bariyan's hands drop, returning to martin's shoulders. he pulls himself away. for a brief moment he feels as if he is losing something. then the moment passes.
he lets the silence stay, though, and merely looks at martin as he straightens up. ]
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back to reality: a mess. he can't even wrap his head around it; it's already wearing him out. he just wants to sleep and sleep...
his eyes flicker up first, slowly lifting his head.]
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How long have you been out? You need to go rest.
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Yes, sir.
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