[ voice ]

[hostage]

[He's so bored, he can't take it anymore. Asking for trouble, maybe, but there's all kinds of excitement he's missing with the new arrivals, and he's not used to missing out on it. He keeps the video feed off, unlike usual, because both his cell and he himself are a mess. His voice is only slightly hoarse, recovering from a first week in custody that was spent screaming.]

So what's the deal with all you new guys? Usually I do this in person but I'm, uh, a little tied up right now. Anyway, lemme hear it. Where you from? Whatcha usually get up to? How you feeling about being in this skanky shithole up on the moon?

Hope the rest of you guys didn't leave 'em starving.

Comments

[hostage]

You fucking kidding me?

You couldn't pay me to testify in your bullshit trial. If that's why you're keeping me in here, I will sign whatever goddamn paper you want that says I am done with all this shit. Poof. Problem fucking solved.

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, uh, that's not how it works? P.S., once again, as before, second verse same as the first, I'm not a cop.

[hostage]

Yeah, that's why you were barking orders at Ros when she was putting me in here. Newsflash: nobody's a real cop here. It's one big circlejerk and you guys are making shit up as you go along. Which you are making clearer and clearer every time you open your mouth, by the way.

[legal_eagle]

Barking orders? Yeah, uh, you mean advocating for my client after you'd assaulted her?

[hostage]

[He does a decent Sonya impression:]

"You need to arrest him and it's my genuine recommendation that you starve him out!"

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, uh, and did you get starved out?

[hostage]

Yeah, thank god Ros ain't totally psycho like you. She settles for just illegally detaining people.

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, so, your whole point just got demolished. Also, you're gonna get hairy palms if you keep jerking yourself off like that, Pinkman.

[hostage]

I said you were giving orders. I didn't say she was listening to all of 'em. Jesus, lady. How'd you get a law degree with those hearing problems you got going on?

[legal_eagle]

Wow, so now you're being prejudiced against the deaf community, too? Batting a thousand here, Pinkman.

[hostage]

Yeah, keep reaching, Sonya. Maybe you can get me convicted of every single crime in the world.

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, get off the cross. I don't want to see you convicted of anything more than what you did. Which is plenty sufficient.

[hostage]

Too bad about that thing where I'm still not charged with any crimes!

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, which is definitely an outgrowth of evil malice and not the fucking difficult circumstances we're in. You whine and whine and whine like you're being kept because there's some evil plot against you. Fucking newsflash, idiot: it's because there's shit that has to be figured out. Remember when we had hardships upon first getting here? Remember when we went without food? And you're bitching because you're not getting a sufficiently speedy trial for your dual assault cases?

Choke on a reeking foot, Pinkman.

[hostage]

Are you seriously a lawyer? There can't be a trial if there isn't a fucking crime.

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, 'cause, you know, assault isn't a crime. Ohhh, it's not a crime because there's not a code of laws, you're trying to imply? Yeah, uh, obviously you're unfamiliar with common-law systems?

Look, Pinkman, you've been in court a few times for felony pig-fucking. I get it. You like the way they squeal, and you think experience makes you expert. But there's a whole range of law outside what you know first hand.

[hostage]

Dropped.

Charges.

Dropped.

Charges.

Am I speaking another language here?

You can't lock me up for assault when there's no victim. No victim, no assault. Comprende? Is this ever gonna sink in with you people?

[legal_eagle]

You're talking about Tempest. What about Max?

[hostage]

Self-defense. You know, when she beat me unconscious during that, uh, "bloodless" mutiny?

And skip the part where you say you don't believe me, 'cause yeah, we know you don't believe me. But Max never charged me. And if she did, you guys failed to fucking inform me. Which would still make this illegal detention.

Yeah, Sonya. I been around the block. Enough to know my twenty-four hours is way up.

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, uh, cocksucker, you got 24 hours in your home version of New Mexico. It's 72 where I'm from. It's whatthefuckever where others are from. You don't get the privilege of being charged under your own system. You get charged under our system.

Also. Again. "You guys" nothing. I'm a fucking defense attorney, bitch.

[hostage]

Okay, so you're admitting you - yeah, you guys - are literally pulling this whole thing outta your ass.

Good. I'm glad that's out there, at least.

[legal_eagle]

Of fucking course we are, you dumb shit. What the fuck did you expect? God Himself was going to hand it down from on high? That's what laws are. They are always pulled out of someone's ass. That's how law works. That's how government works. Are you actually stupid or just pretending?

[hostage]

Where I come from, people get a fucking vote.

[legal_eagle]

Yeah, and who decided they'd get a fucking vote? Oh, right, it was pulled out of someone's ass.

[hostage]

Ain't how I heard it told. I heard people fought for it and took it for themselves. There's a holiday for it and everything.