05: † text

[salvagedsoul]

Hello, everyone.

I have been in United Earth territory since June. I was released last week. Although I have been inspected and declared safe by the Initiative, I feel that it is my obligation to notify you all of what happened.

I am very eager to see some of you again. I am staying in my assigned housing at 502 while I continue to recover. Please come by at your convenience.


((feel free to use this post for both network conversations and action!))

Comments

[salvagedsoul]

[The mental message makes him gasp. The feeling of Blue interacting directly with his heart never fails to make his skin crawl and cause a sense of panic. This time, it catches him off guard on top of it.

And what's more... he's afraid. Afraid, because he knows that he will show Blue everything if he comes inside. What happened... and his terror that followed. And that would be too much.

A telling moment passes without any response from Kaworu. He does not even block Blue out, despite his negative reaction.

Then, the door finally opens. Kaworu takes in the sight of his dear friend.]

Please, come in.

[firstroar]

[this kind of proximity makes it very easy to change Blue's perspective from inward to outward: his own feelings matter next to nothing, now. that's right, he's certain. he doesn't need to be offended by the fear.

he steps forward, both voice and expression mild.]

Kaworu. Welcome back.

[salvagedsoul]

[Kaworu nods politely.]

I'm happy to see that you are well, Blue.

[He opens the door farther, welcoming him inside and without a word he leads him back towards his room. Even after he sits on his bed and looks back to him with tired eyes, he doesn't say anything. What is there to say? For a Mu, his turbulent heart is loud enough.]

...

[firstroar]

[Kaworu knows exactly what he invites when he invites Blue in.

his hand passes through what might as well be a tangible miasma of unhappiness to graze and settle against Kaworu's cheek. in the same move, he's bending to bring himself to eye-level, externally exuding a faintly morose-looking calm even as affectionate warmth and concern radiates within.

he's terribly sorry, Kaworu. he should've moved sooner.]

oh god lets see how long this is when I hit post

[salvagedsoul]

[Kaworu knows that this is coming, and if he were honest with himself, he craved that peacefulness that he knew he could get from Blue, with no effort. But as it flows into him, the floodgates inside begin to give way. Something amazing begins to happen. A hot, unbearable sensation starts to rise behind his eyes and blur his vision.]

...Blue......

[he swallows. this can't be what he thinks it is, so he closes his eyes. but it only causes tears to begin to drip down his cheeks.

It's all there for Blue to see for himself. Kaworu's unmeasurable pain when Nageki died in the June epidemic. His struggle with what to do with his rage, and his realization of the possibilities. He was born to eradicate humans, and even without Lilith here to merge with, he could cause immense damage to the UE's heavily technology-dependent infrastructure. It felt so obvious at the time - and his failure to have waited so long surely allowed Nageki and the others to die... His confidence as he left for the mainland, and the way it was almost immediately shattered when he was discovered there.

Helplessness while he was there. No escaping. His AT Field didn't work. The incredible wound to his ego and his identity. For the first time, he was without any power to determine his own physical integrity. Scientists coming and going without words. They discovered that he could heal his body and ignore pain, and the experiments started. Completely sterile interaction.

He'd be there forever. They would never let him go... and he lacked the power to leave. Him, Tabris, Adam's sucessor, a child born to allow his parent's soul to reclaim what was his from interloper humans, subjugated to such indignities.

But knowing that he had subjugated himself even before... How childishly he had enjoyed the warmth and comfort of living as a Lilim. He cast away his purpose to chase a pitiable, beautiful boy, only to want to snatch it back to avenge his pathetic new attachments. He is a fool... every part of him, human and angel, disappointed.

Kaworu takes in a sharp breath. It sounds closse to a sob. If it weren't so overwhelming to show Blue these things under the umbrella of affection he was providing, he would be immensely fascinated by these tears.]

absorbs angelfeels

[firstroar]

[feeling him waver, Blue's hand settles more certainly on Kaworu's face. he moves, settling in to sit at his side and draw him closer to himself. his other arm went around his shoulders, insisting on that closeness in spite of the horrible memories flooding into his mind.

it's hard to quell the kneejerk outrage that comes from flashes of familiarity in his captivity – things he's experienced, felt from others close to him – but he's quick to look past it...and more intently at Kaworu's own heart, rather than his own. that's why he's here.

he closes his eyes, shutting out the present while in the throes of the past, willing to absorb all the boy endured, to justify his suffering if only by feeling it as raw as any outsider can, Mu or not.]

Re: absorbs angelfeels

[salvagedsoul]

[Kaworu has no outward reaction to the more intimate contact between them. He sits stiffly on the bed, seeming to ignore the support Blue is giving. The story is far different on the inside. This may be the only way Kaworu could have ever told another what happened to him. Now that the tears have started, he can't get them to stop; the humiliation piles up as the seconds pass. He is mourning himself.

His mind flows as swiftly as the tears. The big issues were plaguing him now, but they were caused by the small details grating away at his heart. Nageki died right in front of him. He'd been caught in the UE within hours of getting there. The first time he tried to flex his AT Field to perform the elementary task of unlocking his prison door - only to feel it completely nullified. The experiments. Physis finding him in the mud, a miracle...

But with it comes a feeling of solidarity. Blue is rejecting the injustice done to him, but he's listening to Kaworu's self-loathing. There is no immediate resistance with kind platitudes and encouragement. Instead of uttering these things in an effort to satisfy some need to help, he is accepting his emotions without question.

Eventually, Kaworu starts to quiet down. His eyes are raw and puffy now, but they open. Conscious of his failure to react to the closeness between them, he lifts a hand to cover the one on his damp cheek. Where would he be in Exsilium without this man's help?]

[firstroar]

[he is angry for him – angry with him – for all these offenses. truly individual though he is, Kaworu is another lost and tormented child stripped of dignity and strength, yet another one Blue's encountered over the span of his life.

it's infuriating, still, to have had no chance to intervene. but this feeling is his own, for himself, and locked away in the face of Kaworu's torment.

change is always something one is naturally resistant to, particularly when it comes to compromise a strength or confidence one so relies on...and Kaworu's self is redefined in his suffering, as all are redefined in their own. it's not something to wash away or pretend to ignore, lest that pain make it impossible to move forward. it takes a lot of strength.]

It's strength to endure, Kaworu. But I know... [his eyes open, ignorant of free-falling tears.]

It's bitterly unsatisfying.

[salvagedsoul]

[Accepting this impossible form of comfort is an easy way out. I don't want your sympathy, is what he feels like saying. It certainly isn't going to help Kaworu figure himself out in the long run. But for now, it feels good to have his wounded heart nourished again. Blue's calming patience, his sympathy, his stable mind, flowing into him, is what keeps such bitter thoughts from manifesting into a genuine desire.

Kaworu pushes past the hand on his cheek to bury his face against Blue's shoulder. He smells faintly like the medical ward.]

How am I different now? [he asks after a period of silence.] What is the difference between me and a Lilim, now?

[firstroar]

[that hand settles against Kaworu's hair, a consistent, but not terribly firm presence.]

Much...but not as much as you believed.