exsilium | 05: † text

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05: † text

Hello, everyone.

I have been in United Earth territory since June. I was released last week. Although I have been inspected and declared safe by the Initiative, I feel that it is my obligation to notify you all of what happened.

I am very eager to see some of you again. I am staying in my assigned housing at 502 while I continue to recover. Please come by at your convenience.

((feel free to use this post for both network conversations and action!))

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[Billy can't say he understands, not exactly, but he listens. He listens, his hand just barely tracing a small circle on Kaworu's back. He tries to be calm about this, but his voice has a telltale quiver to it.]

What happened to break your heart? What did they do to you?

[His stream of consciousness is interrupted by the intensity in Billy's voice. He falls silent, suddenly aware again that the person in his arms is his friend. Even while trying to explain this, he's causing him pain. Kaworu manages to sit up, his weight lifting from Billy's body and his grip around him relaxing.]

No, they... that's not it. I... I'm sorry.

[what was he talking about? Billy had asked why he left. Kaworu looks up at him through his overgrown bangs. He looks tense but the rambling mindset is gone.]

The epidemic. Around my impervious body, people were dying... People who I loved. Me, who was born just to undo their existence. But how could I just stand by, and...

The illness.

[Billy brings that incident back to the front of his memory. He understands a little more, looking up with a heavy heart.]

You were born to end us. You came to love some of us. And we died all around you, while that plague could never touch you.

So you went to the source of the plague?

[He knows that Billy's inquisitive mind needs a concrete explanation. Yes... Billy needs, too. And now he's returned. Kaworu can try his best to give him that much for now.]

I cast off my purpose, but... I reached back for it again. Out of anguish...

[he shakes his head again.]

...What justification do I have to sit by and do nothing? Kaworu Nagisa, Tabris - born to destroy. Adam isn't here for me to merge with, but with its gifts... Human technology is but a house of cards.

You were going to destroy the United Earth.

[He sucks in a tiny breath.]

Or...everything.

......that was the idea.

[Kaworu watches Billy's face carefully. What is he thinking, right now...? Is he angry? There is no sequence of words that could express Kaworu's disappointment in himself. After everything he's told Billy about who he was, and how he changed, is he disappointed in the same way?

He slumps against him again. This is only part of it, and it would be enough to bear alone. It's all new to Kaworu. ]

Obviously, nothing came of it.

[Billy thinks carefully for a moment. When he starts to slot the pieces together, he curls a little closer against Kaworu.]

You're not the first to react that way when feeling despair, not by a long shot. Sometimes despair can drive people to extremes. And...you meant to do it and hit a wall, right?

Hit a wall.....

[As much as he loves Billy, he doubts that it's possible for him to understand the rest of it. He's only a Lilim. These things are a part of his every day life. Kaworu himself has seen it on his face so many times.

The core of his heart, the part that is so disappointed and embarrassed by his decisions, seems to laugh. The warmth and comfort of living as a Lilim... before this happened, he never truly understood the consequences.]

I could not do it. [not a change of heart...] I was unable. It's impossible, but somehow, my AT Field... it wouldn't work.

[he grips Billy tightly again. can he understand it? the humiliation? the powerlessness? but no, not those things alone... but the difference between...]

[Billy nods minutely. He tightens his hold too, taking a deep breath.]

You felt your purpose so strongly, and were so ready to do it...and then you found yourself powerless, with a goal but seemingly no way to reach it.

I've felt that way so many times...though I have to admit I've never wanted to do something that drastic. Then again, who knows the depth of our feelings?

[He's still clinging.]

I would've gone far, risked my life to save you, and yet I would've been powerless too. I know it's not exactly like that, but you're not the only one feeling rotten.

Edited 2013-08-06 02:58 (UTC)

[Ah. A laugh comes out of him. It sounds like the beginning of a sob at first, but it becomes a gentle, humorless chuckle.

He didn't understand at all. Kaworu feels different. That's right - he can't understand. Hearts are separate...
]

I know, I'm not. I've really troubled everyone. I've never been more than a stupid boy, have I? This place has turned me into a fool.

You're not a fool, Kaworu.

[Billy shakes his head and sighs, hating how utterly foolish he sounds right now.]

I am. I want to help you, but I don't have the faintest clue how. I'm sorry.

That makes two of us, then.

[He quietly debates if he should try again. Despite knowing that none of these Lilim could understand, the desire to be understood is the same. He wants Billy to feel what he felt, to know how this has shattered the mirror he's used to look back at himself. But why...? It makes no sense. This is compounding the ways that this entire affair hasn't made any sense to him. Kaworu could go in circles over it for hours. He can feel the panic from earlier creeping back towards him.

No. No more of that. It's quicksand.]

You can't help me.

[He shakes his head yet again, trying to drive the fear away away.]

But, you can be here. Just let me stay here like this. Back then, when I realized I could do nothing to free myself after they caught me, I became certain that I would never see you again. And now...

I'm so sorry.

[Billy holds on, arranging his legs to be more comfortable.]

I'm such an idiot. I've spent so much of my life trying to understand whatever I can, to know everything I want to know, but no matter how hard I try to comprehend I can never know you.

[That gets another laugh out of Kaworu, but this time, there's warmth in it. Isn't that the very reason Billy is attracted towards him? And the reason Kaworu is intrigued by his kind, too. Truly... he has never been anything more than a foolish boy...]

Please... forgive me. Don't concern yourself with trying to understand. [he takes a few slow breaths.] I've betrayed you, but just stay with me a little longer. Let me listen to your heartbeat. I've realized how deeply I need you all.

Edited 2013-08-06 03:43 (UTC)

[Billy can't resist the pull of Kaworu---it's a lost cause. He still lingers close]

If that means you're not going to blow me up with another series of bombs, there's no reason I should feel betrayed.

[There's a pause]

And...here.

[He leans back, making room for Kaworu to shift and listen if he wants to.]

I worried about you the entire time. I'm just glad you're safe.

[Kaworu lifts his head and watches him lean back, his attention grabbed. At the time - he wasn't being literal when he said it... was he? The request had just slipped out of him as part of his prayer for forgiveness. But...

Without reservation, he shifts with Billy, drawing his legs up from under the covers. Billy's chest, shaped by his rib cage and a woven system of muscles, full of blood and organs. He can feel its warmth as soon as he lays his head against it.]

I'm back, now. [The thump coming from inside is such a sweet sound.] I can't imagine ever leaving again.

That's good to hear.

[Billy drapes his arms over Kaworu's shoulders, murmuring into his hair if only because that's the obvious way to go from his direction. He notes how long and shaggy it is now, briefly wondering where on earth they'd find a barber.]

Because I can imagine losing you again, but I didn't enjoy it the first time.

[His intent is more to comfort than to guilt-trip with this. His voice is soft, even more so than usual.]

Did you see how many of us shared our worry when we realized you were gone for too long? You're important to us. To me.

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