exsilium | (no subject)

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[ the name attached to this account, and thus with all applicable comments within this entry, reads Haruka Takahashi, as usual.
for those of you just joining us at home, some info. ]

If you're only interested in useful posts, you can skip the rest of this. I'm only out to waste the time of those who want it wasted, today.
For anyone else, color me curious.

Water, Wind, Light, Flame, Earth, or Darkness.

Pick one, please.

To clarify, "light" doesn't mean good and "darkness" doesn't mean evil, or bad. Or vice versa; there's no moral alignment to any of them.
And I didn't "skip heart", so don't bother bringing that up.

[ tetchy. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's right. I'm from Tokyo originally.

[ no she isn't ]

[What is Tokyo

Aha! The capital. Okay. She's still a little blurry on what a capital is...]

Im Sorry That I Havent Ever Learned Much About What Would Motivate Shifting Across Borders I Barely Understand In The First Place So Im Not Contextualizing This Very Well

[A transparent way of asking "why did you move"...]

It wasn't by choice. Parents, business, that sort of thing. Even if I never saw them, it made them feel better if I was closer by.

[ she will absolutely remember this story. ]

So You Were Born In Japan
But Your Parents Moved To The United States
And Then After Such A Long Period Of Abandonment That The Part Of Your Life Endured In Isolation Is Long Relative To A Subsequent Few Years
They Sent For You To Come With Them
Though Not So That You Could Spend A Significant Proportion Of Your Time Together Under Their Direct Supervision And Not Just Indirect Protection
But Instead Allowed You To Reside In The Company Of Other Rather Dubious Individuals To Whom Your Omissions Indicate You Are Not Even Genetically Related
Inducing A General State Of Discontent In The Heart Of Haruka Takahashi Strong Enough That Upon Her Arrival Here In Spite Of Completely Detesting This New Situation She Must Acknowledge She Did Abhor Her Previous Life

How Much Of This Have I Misunderstood

[She will absolutely remember the incoherence of this story.]

I didn't abhor it.
They didn't move there until later on; they traveled a lot, which is why they were never around. Then, when they planned to settle in NY, I went with them. We all lived together for about a year, two years, before they left me.
After that, I lived by myself for a very long time; those guys were people I knew who needed a place to stay. My parents never met them; there was no "allowing," because I don't seek permission from a person who doesn't love me.

This Has A Lot Of Discrepancies From What I Was Told About Human Familial Structures
But I Wont Pretend To Understand Those
What I Do Pretend To Understand Is That Abhor Is A Stronger Version Of
Dislike

[Don't make her link you to her own post, Haruka.

She might really do it.]

I know what abhor means.

[SHE CAN'T SEE HER SMILE BUT SHE CAN FEEL THE PASSIVE AGGRESSION FROM HERE ANYWAY

SHE'S GOING TO DO IT SHE WILL DO IT RIGHT NOW]

Girl dislikes her situation, the way her life is going, the way people treat her, wishes she were anywhere else but there.

What Way
Do You Want People To Treat You

[What Way Do You Want Me To Treat You]

Ha ha ha ha.

[ oh dear... perhaps the fever has gotten her. ]

It isn't something you'll be able to understand. Not yet.

In That Case Would You Like To Hand Down A General Guideline So I Can At Least Make An Effort In The Right Direction
Or Is There Some Specific Benchmark You Have In Mind At Which Point Im Going To Come To An Epiphany About Our Relationship

Oh
no
you care about me, don't you
don't do that that isn't a good idea

[ panicked degeneration of typing ]

[STOPS
STARES AT THOSE WORDS FOR A MOMENT
AND COMES TO AN EPIPHANY ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP
First reply draft: Ok I Hadnt Expected That To Happen Anywhere Near This Soon]

I Can Think Of Quite A Few Cases In Which Ive Cared About People Whom I Think It Was A Worse Idea To Care About Than It Would Be To Afford The Same Treatment To You

I'm not eridan
but it's still a bad idea okay

[A strange choice of comparisons...]

Okay If I Were Who Almost Everyone I Care About But You Wants Me To Be
This Is The Part Where I Would Point Out That Nothing Could Have Been A Worse Idea Than That And That Im Incredibly Glad Hes Gone And Dead For Good So Really Any Caring Decision I Make From Here On Out Has To Be An Improvement Doesnt It
But Im Not Any Of The Above
Thats The Thing
Youre The Only Person I Know Who
Knows About Her
And Doesnt Want Me To Be Her
More Than That
You Actively Want Me To Not Be Her
Which Means So Much To Me

[ hey
shut up ]

Even poisons can be sweet sometimes.

Youre Telling Me
If You Think I Had Bad Judgment With Eridan You Know Nothing About Me And Gamzee
I Think At This Point Im Addicted To The Feeling Of Sensibility Slowly Sapping Away From Me

Theres One Thing I Learned From Both Of Those Affairs Though
And Thats How You Cant Control Who You Care About Or Whether They Fall Victm To The Same Folly
It Takes Two To Friend-Tango
Or Friendango You Might Say
So Dont Worry That Because Youve Unintentionally Lured Me Into Emotional Attachment That You Shouldnt Want To Leave For The Sake Of Hurting Me
If You Decide Not To Desire Departure On The Grounds Of Your Unbelievable Potential Intellectual Utility To The Initiative And By Extension The Entire Multiverse Thats Great
My Account Is Worthless Though In The Grand Scheme Of Things Though Since Im Not Her
What Im Saying Is You Shouldnt Care That I Care About You

[ ugh...
stop being so pathetic... ]
I'm not saying this as a kindness
but you're not worthless

[Pathetic???
are you
flirting with her]

Of Course Im Not
But My Feelings Are

it's the same thing

Do You Think My Feelings Are Important
That Sounds Suspiciously Kind

it's not
your feelings are what make you you

[What was that sound her pumpbiscuit just made

...okey-dokey?]

Okay Haruka I Really Dont Know How Can You Honestly Expect Someone To Believe Caring About You Is A Bad Idea When You Turn Around And Say Things Like That
If This Is Your Attempt To Dissuade Me Its Not Working At All

Edited (tried to construct a less "first thing in the morning" version) 2013-06-09 16:03 (UTC)

ugh
I can't tell you waht to do or how to feel
but I know me and I know what happens to people who care about me
because they care about me
and I know that's not what you want
you've told me that
you didn't know that's what it menat at the time
but i did

[An invisible fist grabs what used to be her stomach and twists. This is fairly explicit confirmation of what suspiciously resembles a misleading incident. She is tempted, suddenly, to search the logs of every communicator conversation they've ever had. The sentences she sends end up arriving one by one in sequence, confused.]

Youve Acknowledged Before An Inability To Compel Me

Pretty Much Everything Else Is Shrouded In Mystery

Which Youre Apparently Doing On Purpose

What Do You Think I Dont Or Do Want

Ive Been Told Before That My Complacence In Exsilium Is Pretty Much A Symptom Of Perpetually Lowering Standards So Maybe Theyve Fallen Even Further Since Then

you wont understand yet