( She gives her head a small shake, squeezing him again now that he's resting against her chest. It's only apparent that she's crying, she doesn't need to admit to it, does she? Only it's not like he won't be feeling when her tears start falling onto him. They'll soak through, sooner or later. )
M-maybe. ( Her breath hitches, and she adds; ) Maybe not.
( So much for a convincing performance. She leaves it off entirely to confess. )
I was scared and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if the doctors were coming, or who was there, or who to call for, and you were so sick -- and I thought you were supposed to starve a fever, but then you were so hot, so I got that stupid copper bowl and the water and tried to help but --
( she has to swallow in her ramble, and while it's all a revisitation, it's scarier realizing the cause is still out there. just... waiting for a reason to turn in a new threat, for a new reason that doesn't follow sensible logic. )
-- but you were in pain, and I couldn't do anything. Then they finally got there with the stretcher and they had you in the hospital and everyone was saying, "He's not going to make the next twenty-four hours" and running tests but the tests weren't showing a cause and the antibiotics didn't do anything and all they could do was give you fluids and the stupid nurse --
( These are her own worries, and her concerns. Things she really doesn't want people knowing about, or knowing she thinks about, because it doesn't fit with how she prefers to view the world. Looking for the bright sides, glossing over the dark parts. Not focusing in on the scary things.
She doesn't let herself dwell, and feels almost weirdly guilty to be saying anything at all, but relieved at the same time. He is okay, but he'd almost not been. And he had to know how frightening that'd been. If it scared her, she can imagine how much it had to have scared him, too.
I hadn't realized she'd poisoned me until later. What had that been like? Finding out the threat wasn't for the future, but was already in progress? Knowing anything delaying the rescue group meant feeling yourself die over something so stupid as an unexpected change in plans that kept Cliver safer for the UE being directed and disorientated miles and miles away from his current position?
She gives him another squeeze, cutting herself off. Most of this has been confessed into his neck and shoulder, really, but she won't keep burdening him with the rest. It's not fair. )
no subject
M-maybe. ( Her breath hitches, and she adds; ) Maybe not.
( So much for a convincing performance. She leaves it off entirely to confess. )
I was scared and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if the doctors were coming, or who was there, or who to call for, and you were so sick -- and I thought you were supposed to starve a fever, but then you were so hot, so I got that stupid copper bowl and the water and tried to help but --
( she has to swallow in her ramble, and while it's all a revisitation, it's scarier realizing the cause is still out there. just... waiting for a reason to turn in a new threat, for a new reason that doesn't follow sensible logic. )
-- but you were in pain, and I couldn't do anything. Then they finally got there with the stretcher and they had you in the hospital and everyone was saying, "He's not going to make the next twenty-four hours" and running tests but the tests weren't showing a cause and the antibiotics didn't do anything and all they could do was give you fluids and the stupid nurse --
( These are her own worries, and her concerns. Things she really doesn't want people knowing about, or knowing she thinks about, because it doesn't fit with how she prefers to view the world. Looking for the bright sides, glossing over the dark parts. Not focusing in on the scary things.
She doesn't let herself dwell, and feels almost weirdly guilty to be saying anything at all, but relieved at the same time. He is okay, but he'd almost not been. And he had to know how frightening that'd been. If it scared her, she can imagine how much it had to have scared him, too.
I hadn't realized she'd poisoned me until later. What had that been like? Finding out the threat wasn't for the future, but was already in progress? Knowing anything delaying the rescue group meant feeling yourself die over something so stupid as an unexpected change in plans that kept Cliver safer for the UE being directed and disorientated miles and miles away from his current position?
She gives him another squeeze, cutting herself off. Most of this has been confessed into his neck and shoulder, really, but she won't keep burdening him with the rest. It's not fair. )