exsilium | 03: † audio

03: † audio

[An audio post begins, and for a few seconds it's just the sound of the rain. Then, a piano begins to play. Those familiar with classical music would recognize it as French Suite No. 4, a well-known work by German composer J.S. Bach.

The music goes on for about fifteen minutes. It's a piece with a sense of introversion to it - even as the music turns complicated and speedy in some areas, it maintains a restrained elegance. Emotional, without being passionate.

When it finally ends, there are another few seconds of rainfall before Kaworu speaks.]

The demands of human relationships are overwhelming when you consider just how much love a heart needs to survive.

But, conversely, a heart can give an infinite amount of love in turn. The world is less scary if you simply remember this.

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I offered my love to him, but he refused me.

[he'll tell this to you, Nageki, because he trusts you.]

I know why. He's afraid of being loved. Especially by me.

[Oh no, he definitely remembers this conversation. It's not exactly an easy one to forget about, that's for certain.

The kind of love he's sure Kaworu is talking about when it comes to Shinji is one of the last things Nageki thinks he would be good at giving advice about, but he can't just not say anything. The last time Kaworu spoke about this he was upset by it, even if he wouldn't admit to it, and it would be wrong of Nageki not to try and support him.]

Perhaps it is that loving has hurt him so badly in the past, he is too afraid to open up to anyone again should it allow for the same possibility.

Edited 2013-03-30 20:30 (UTC)

I'm afraid that it's me who hurt him the most. I at least contributed in a big way.

[Nageki can't help but be a little bit surprised to hear that. Surely Kaworu wouldn't be the kind of hurt someone he loves, unless it were accidental? Or...

Or perhaps Nageki knows what it is that Kaworu is referring to. In their most memorable conversation together -- Kaworu told him what his true nature was in his time before his death and arrival in Exsilium, didn't he? And from what he said it was... to destroy humanity, whether he wanted to or not. It was "do or die", as one might call it, or at least that's all the Nageki has been able to understand from his cryptic and enigmatic way of speaking about it.

If Shinji is from Kaworu's time, and has known him in his life, then surely he would know about it as well. Nageki doesn't know under what circumstances, but... if Nageki were to discover something like that about Kaworu now, all of a sudden, how could he feel? Hurt, he's sure, and probably a little betrayed. If it were to affect him directly, Nageki has no doubt that the subsequent feelings would be devastating.]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I think I understand why. He discovered what you really were in your life, didn't he?

Yes. In the end, I died by his hand. I hadn't imagined that it would hurt him as much as it did.

Regret... another feeling introduced to me through him.

[Whoa? Hold on, Shinji... killed Kaworu? That isn't something Nageki would have expected to hear, with everything Kaworu has said of him thus far. It's enough to make him seriously rethink his entire impression of this mysterious other boy, though -- Kaworu did say Shinji is scarred. It would not surprise him to think that Kaworu's death must be at least partially responsible for that.]

It may not be something you're familiar with yet, but losing someone you care for is no doubt one of life's most painful experiences. Being responsible for that loss is all the more unbearable.

[Kaworu doesn't answer for a while. what point was there in talking about what happened over again? Kaworu's frustration is something he can bear. it won't change the problems that were caused by it.

but, finally, another message comes.]

There was no alternative. Either I died, or the Lilim disappeared.

[Kaworu's length of pause worries Nageki significantly. He's just begun to consider sending an apology for his intrusiveness in case he's said something to upset the other boy, but before he can make up his mind Kaworu finally sends back a reply. Maybe Nageki shouldn't be as relieved as he is for it, but Kaworu's opinion of him matters quite a lot. Because of it, his reply is very carefully worded and takes a little bit longer than normal for Nageki's usual response time.]

I know. You do not need to justify your actions to me, Kaworu. I don't hold any ill feelings toward you for them.

However, people are not always reasonable when it comes to feeling betrayed or hurt, especially if it comes in time with something as traumatic as causing another's death. Whether there was an alternative or not likely doesn't matter to Shinji.

Edited (lol words) 2013-03-30 22:58 (UTC)

It doesn't matter to him at all.

And even still, I would not say his reaction is unreasonable.

[undoubtedly, there had been no way for it to end happily. perhaps he'd been selfish even introducing himself to Shinji at the lake in the first place.]

Next time, I'm doing it differently.

[Um. Hold on, Kaworu. What did you just say?]

'Next time'? You told me you were dead, Kaworu.

[no. don't get into this.]

I'm sorry, I'm talking to myself, now.

Anyway, I would appreciate any kindness you could show towards Shinji-kun. He may not show it, but he would appreciate it, too.

[Nageki doesn't need to be a genius to be able to spot somebody trying to change the subject, even if it's Kaworu, but he allows himself to let it be without pressing for what Kaworu was talking about. he's confused, definitely... all the same, confusion doesn't make him entitled to know everything about his friend, especially what he isn't willing to share. Kaworu has already shared more than enough with him as it is, and there's little Nageki can even give in return.

so. he may not know exactly how Kaworu died, but he knows now that it was by the hand of someone he cares for deeply. perhaps it's even a little ironic that such a thing would happen when Kaworu says he was meant to destroy humanity, and yet, he was killed by one of its members -- one Nageki is willing to believe he's fallen in love with. Kaworu is so much more complicated than anyone he's met here, of that much Nageki is certain.]

Very well. I have no issue with making plans to meet him and become friends, ideally.

It is a little bit fascinating in a way to see how much a person's method of death continues to affect them, even in an afterlife like ours. Perhaps coming to terms with it becomes part of the process in moving on.

Such a thing must vary widely with the person, I would imagine. Everyone has their own motivation to live... their own problems and their own hope. The difference in method of death is only a small part of it.

It's being alive again in the first place that I do not wish for. And yet, it's allowed me to see the consequences of the decisions I made. I wonder if it was part of fate for me to come here.

'Fate' is an interesting way of viewing this situation, I suppose. And yet you still wish you were not alive?

Death, the absolute freedom... life, which allows for hope always. Living or not living makes no difference to me now. I suppose that being here lets me indulge in a lifestyle I never knew in my world.

Perhaps your indifference towards life or death marks the end of your passage through acceptance. But... I feel as though there is still much you can do while you are here.

Really? Even I can't bear playing the piano forever.

[he's being cute now. :I]

[JOKES???? ??????? AROUND NAGEKI???????? unacceptable behaviour]

...That is not what I meant, Kaworu.

Your rigidly respectful treatment of heavy topics is so cute.

But in all seriousness, thank you for the sentiment. There's an endless supply of new things to experience in this world, isn't there? Big and small.

Edited 2013-04-01 20:42 (UTC)

I am not cute. I think you are confused, though your point regarding experiences is correct.

One experience I've been able to have is meeting someone as cute as you. I'm thankful for that.

[sorry but u just can't expect kawo to not be playful with somebody like u nags]

Have you nothing better to do than torment your friends, Kaworu?

You'll let me hold your hand and confess my love, but you won't let me tease you. Lilim are so strange sometimes.

[he switches to video now. This conversation is making him smile, and he wants Nageki to see the playful affection behind his words. he doesn't speak any addition to his text message, though.]

Edited 2013-04-01 21:57 (UTC)

[hdjfFFGJFKL KAWORU PLEASE]

When you speak of your affectionate gestures in that way, you make them much grander in comparison. It's not so much to insist that I am not cute.

Edited 2013-04-01 22:28 (UTC)

Are they not grand?

[Kaworu can't see Nageki's face, but he can imagine his reaction to all this.]

Is it that embarrassing?

03: † audio

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