text

[caligulas_aquarium]

alright im gonna cut to the chase an keep this real simple im lookin for more a permanent an less shitty housin arrangement
but i aint about to lowwer myself to just stickin wwith the first chump wwho throwws out an offer cause i got a feww prerequisites regardin roommate etiquette im interested in actually havvin fulfilled this time cause the pair i got stuck wwith last time i wwas here had all the sense of a couple of howwler monkeys
one a wwhich couldnt stop himself from breakin shit half the time wwith his freaky mutant strength an the other wwith a broken thinkpan an a fetish for the spontaneous combustion of electronics
im avverse to keepin this short an swweet if only cause those a you wwith the attention span of a gnat wwho aint able to focus for the rest a this post probably aint my usual type a desired company
im evven wwillin to forego my usual manner a wwritin to make it a bit clearer for some a you slowwer sorts so be grateful
here goes

no pets
no psychological issues
no noises loud enough that i can hear em through the walls into my room
no unwanted social contact, no trespassing into my room without permission
no breaking anything in fits of rage
no sabotaging of my personal affairs
no attempting to share my romantic interests
no using my things
no guests after 7pm
no introducing me to your guests
no hogging the living room
no social events
no delusional belief in magic
no puns
decent sense of personal hygiene required
if you know, have ever known or are somehow associated with any of the following:
sollux captor, equius zahhak, gamzee makara, vriska serket, kanaya maryam, lalondes, harleys, striders, bariyan e kodhi or anyone who's spoken poorly of me probably on account of a mutual dislike we have of each other, don't bother applying

Comments

[maniere]

you had me aaaaaaaaall the way until 'no puns'.
now i am beary sad.
(´･ω･`)

[caligulas_aquarium]

howw do you evven livve wwith yourself

[maniere]

hahahahahah!!!
do you find my existence unBEARable?

1/2

[caligulas_aquarium]

no but judgin from the fact youre doin this im seariously doubtin i wwoulda wwanted to share a communal hivve block wwith you in the first place

[caligulas_aquarium]

*seriously

[mother of god they're contagious]

[maniere]

i'm already bored of the bear puns. zzzzzzzz.
i wasn't really applying, i already have one intolerable roommate, you know?
though i respect your rules . . . really really really really really respect them.
siiiiiiiiiigh! they're really nostalgic.

[caligulas_aquarium]

wwell at least SOMEONE around here got a bit of sense
it aint like this shits unreasonable its basic fuckin courtesy

[maniere]

rules are ✩~i m p o r t a n t~✩

upupu you could use some adjustments though, you know? things like 'no murders after 10pm!' or 'no hogging the bathroom after 7am!'

[caligulas_aquarium]

im alwways first to the bathroom no exceptions
i got a strict personal hygiene scheme an finishin it before anyone else showws up i got it so dowwn at this stage its a fuckin art to me
but the murder thing isnt that big a deal
aint none a my business wwho murders wwho long as it aint me

[maniere]

wrong! ladies are always first, especially when it comes to the bathroom! i have to do this and that and put on all my make-up! it takes me at least ten minutes to curl my eyelashes just right.

[caligulas_aquarium]

yeah wwell it aint like i crawwl outta bed lookin my marvvelous self as fuckin flawwless as i am evven i gotta wwork hard on keepin up appearances
so if they think they got first dibs they can shovve it

[YEAH TAKE THAT METAPHORICAL NON EXISTENT FEMALE ROOMMATE YOU SHOWED THE-oh wait]

[maniere]

[eridan,,,,, pls,,, ]

you must take a lot of work . . .

[caligulas_aquarium]

my hair takes up most of the time ok i aint implyin im SUPER BAD or somethin
plus considerin they dont got a lot of room for more thorough brands a hygiene products around here i gotta make do wwith wwhat i can find
an it takes a wwhile

[maniere]

hahahahahah!!! let me see then! it can't possibly be more work than mine!

text->video

[caligulas_aquarium]

fine hold on

[Annnnd the video feed turns on.]

Alright?

text->video

[maniere]

ahaha it's totally tame!! unless those horns are part of it??? here i'll prove that mine wins!

[and here is +1 Junko on the video feed, flashing a peace sign. ]

I told you so.

[caligulas_aquarium]

Alright, alright, I mean it ain't exactly awful or nothin'.

[Which is as close to "impressed" as anyone can get from Eridan to admit to.]

But there'd be more sense in me goin' first in this hypothetical scenario since I wouldn't take as long.

[maniere]

But what if you use all the product? That absolutely won't do at all. I need every last drop of product to keep my hair so big.

[to keep all her secrets in, of course. ]

[caligulas_aquarium]

Which is exactly where the "no sharin' stuff" rule would come in.

If we run out it's our own problem. We don't gotta interwene in each other's issues lettin' each other borrow shit only to inconwenience ourselwes cause of it at a later date.

[maniere]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm! I guess that could work.

[caligulas_aquarium]

Right.

An' exactly why ain't noone recognized these as as logical an' reasonable as they are is beyond me.

[maniere]

It's probably because they're super duper dumb. I'm Junko, by the way.

[caligulas_aquarium]

Wh- oh, right, right. Name's Eridan.

An' you're one a the few people here I ain't shy to say it's not that bad to actually meet you, Jun. You got some sense about you.

[maniere]

You too, Eridan-san. Some people just don't understand the importance of rules.

[caligulas_aquarium]

Exactly, structure's important.

So, uh, maybe I'll...see you around then.

[He's so used to leaving conversations angry that this whole concept of ending it reasonably probably sounds a little awkward.]