[ It's a cagey answer, and that tells him more than she might think it does. Nikolai misses London all of the sudden; misses the darkness of the vor because there, children might still be innocent, that they know nothing of the atrocities that people are capable of. In London he can walk out of Semyon's restaurant and see people like Anna, nice people, ordinary people who know nothing about the filth that he's coated with, who avoid him out of fear instead of looking at him in the eyes because they already know darkness and they have faced it before.
In a place like this- in Abax- somehow the children are no longer children. They are broken things instead, darkness already corrupting them, and it's almost enough to make him despair because of how little soaking himself in blood has done. But Nikolai has never tried to save the world. Just one person is enough. Most of the time.
(It's funny that he thinks this way, because Nikolai has never been an innocent child himself. He started stealing at an age younger than she is now, simply because it's the only way he can think of to find something to eat. At her age he's already been to prison, and that's even marked on his body. At her age he knows the cruelty of people; knows that even teenagers can be rapists and murderers if they are given enough incentive. Survival is always enough incentive.)
He lingers on the silence. ]
Even gzah who know how to fight still needs to be careful. [ He's giving himself away and he knows it, but it is too easy to break a mask built over decades, and somehow he knows he still wants to remain human. ]
Maybe machine not that random.
[ An offering to change the subject. (It disturbs him too.) ]
no subject
In a place like this- in Abax- somehow the children are no longer children. They are broken things instead, darkness already corrupting them, and it's almost enough to make him despair because of how little soaking himself in blood has done. But Nikolai has never tried to save the world. Just one person is enough. Most of the time.
(It's funny that he thinks this way, because Nikolai has never been an innocent child himself. He started stealing at an age younger than she is now, simply because it's the only way he can think of to find something to eat. At her age he's already been to prison, and that's even marked on his body. At her age he knows the cruelty of people; knows that even teenagers can be rapists and murderers if they are given enough incentive. Survival is always enough incentive.)
He lingers on the silence. ]
Even gzah who know how to fight still needs to be careful. [ He's giving himself away and he knows it, but it is too easy to break a mask built over decades, and somehow he knows he still wants to remain human. ]
Maybe machine not that random.
[ An offering to change the subject. (It disturbs him too.) ]