( It'd be different with boys. Ever since Adam it had been different with boys, the shame that sunk into herself and made her withdraw from most physical contact. Corrie was the person she'd always been cuddliest with, and after Corrie had gone, there was Fi. But Fi and Corrie weren't here, and maybe Ellie was just indulging her own need for comfort as much as trying to make it better for Steph. Sometimes it still feels painfully awkward.

She's about to say something about Chris when Steph makes that quiet admission. Her chest tightens, as her mind tugs at tangles of guilt that trip her up more often than she'd ever cares to admit, things she shoves down and ignores when they're on the move, but sneak up and pester her whenever there's a quiet moment. ) When I was little I told my dad I hated him because he wouldn't let me go camping with some of the buys. I thought I hated him when he yelled at me for this or that. When my mum didn't let me go to a school social because there was some family thing we were going to my gran's place for the next day. I said a lot of stupid things.

( All things she'd take back in a heartbeat, if she could. At least one of her parents could be dead before she got a chance to see them again, if the rumours she heard about her dad being a troublemaker at the Showground were true. ) Apparently thinking too much isn't good, but letting your feelings jerk you around isn't right, either.

( She's not sure where she's going with that, just mumbles it a bit, frowning critically at the ceiling as if it had a lot to answer for. ) You can apologise for it when you see her. When you get home.

( When, not if. )